HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ZEN!

it's time to party tonight~ !

glued to a world of perceptions... but im getting myself unstuck now..

my world is changing.

i cant decide if it's a good thing or not.

sometimes i remind myself that love is not everything. i stubbornly cling onto that. and i do still believe it.

but then, there comes that little irritating voice which asks 'why not?'

i sigh and reply:
love IS not everything. there are so many other things.

and that irritating voice says:
it's how much you love that is everything. which still amounts to love.

and i say:
maybe. or maybe not.
you may love someone so deeply, yet...

irritating voice:
whatever sacrifices you are willing to make, whatever obstacles are in the way, what determines your choice to stay or leave?
love right? see see it's love!

i say:
fuck off!

gee why the hell am i entertaining that stupid little voice anyway??

trouble is...
im starting to agree with that stupid irritating voice.

or maybe i just want to believe in that too.

stole this from jasmine...

go watch... ITS DAMN FUNNY LA! my stomach still hurts from laughing...

http://www.guzer.com/videos/numa_numa.php

http://76492.shoutboxes.com/go/?u=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1408042087100463223&q=asian

hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaaahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

hope you guys enjoy it as much as i did!

' a few moments after feeling vulnerable and sad, they reverted to angry talk. their pain was big, and they were afraid to feel it'

how carefully chosen these words were, and how wonderfully they fit into my jigsaw.

in that sentence alone, it reaffirmed everything i ever understood about myself.

Random Jem

1. today is a special day, because my one in a million turns 21!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOSSY!

2. chatted with rainey! over msn and had quite a revelation! hahaha! i still cant believe i said that raine! pretend pretend!

3. maumau comes home today! after months of anticipation! yay!

4. deb is home too!

5. yun makes me laugh when im angry.... :D i can send her an sms complaining abt something and her response is always so un-typical and they're funny! keep it coming sweetie!

6. i talk utter rubbish when i am half asleep. to k: haha i'll think abt the old lady joke ok?? next time let me sleep!

7. when im tired, i am cranky and whiny. such a small kid....

8. in spite of everything, i am actually feeling quite happy...

coolness.

9. i actually miss zen. ZEN! I MISS U! ZEN!

as you grow older, and you're in a relationship, who poses a bigger threat of taking your partner away from you?

equal chances for both sexes?

i think it's the opposite gender of your same-sex relationship.

because when you become older, issues such as society's ostracizing or acceptance become larger than it once was. they shldnt matter, but they do.

it's plainly difficult to lead double lives.

so if you're in a female-female rel, and this guy comes along, vs this girl who comes along, you fear both right? but i'd bet on it that you'd fight harder for your girl if it was against just the female rival. and it's easier to let go to the guy. because, well, he's in a better position to be with her than you.

what an ego smasher. but ah, that's life right? the things you must give up, or the right thing to do are always the hardest.

they're not sacrifices for nothing you know.

everyday, i see myself understanding a little bit more. they say each rel you go through teaches you new things. how right they are.
i realise why people do the things they do, or the feelings that they feel.
because experience brings empathy, and you learn to step in people's shoes and walk around, and feel their level of discomfort for yourselves.

i can only stare into space and reflect....

Rules: Post 5 Weird and Random Facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this.

1. i can gloss over most nagging feelings and doubts for a long long time when it comes to affairs of the heart, even when they are right in my face. i can just pretend, act whatever. what a loser i can be at times huh?

2. i am completely, wholly, totally (my thesaurus vocab doesnt stretch that far) obsessed over duey. my life revolves around him and life will never be the same without him. and you know what? obsessed is the understatement of the year.

3. my greatest fear in life is to have my loved ones leave me and i'll never be ready to see them leave, because i have not done and said all that i wanted or needed. im struck by paranoia and sometimes it borders on the line of unhealthiness because i can get so insecured at times.

4. i dont know how to study.

5. i have major self displine issues. especially when it comes to finances and academics and piano and work. which is pretty much everything.

list:
yun
lizard
valerie lim
jas
dele

what you should do vs what you want to do.
heart vs mind.

follow ur heart? not so easy.
i know.

but for this, just follow your heart gawd damn it.
dont give up what may be a good thing

so i sat there, and stared at the book, it's title jumping off at me.
was it that obvious that i had a problem?

'breaking free from anger and forgiveness'

hell, the book is all about anger management.
do i really need that?

apparently.

but i beg to differ.

in fact, i violently protest.

i think my self control is in its place.

sigh. it's always the ones closest to your heart, your immediate loved ones that push you over the edge. well for me anyway.

anyway, i took a glance at the book anyway, and there was this phrase which said 'determine not to raise your voice'

haha. well, that i really fail dismally huh?

you know, most of the time, like what i always say and which i will reiterate, my anger is really, just another form of sadness.

i wonder why though. i never had to fight to be in control. i was IN control.
what changed?

seems like things just got unsettled again. just when i thought perhaps we had a special understanding and reached a mutual conclusion, im just proven wrong all over again, and reminded me of why and where we went wrong in the first place.
different conflicting views leading to battles. it's the same damn thing again and again.
goodness. enough already.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEYBRO!



jem and zen


*smirk*


joey and mandy look so nice. zen and jem... looks nicer! :D haha

so we're back to the endless questions on our very purpose of life here.

the result of a miraculous creation, yet we go on an exploration for the answers to our very existence. we look at the path in front of us, yet our destination is far from certain. that long and winding journeys that cause our feet to ache, sometimes accompanied by an equally heavy heart.
and that's when we attempt to wander, with a hope that we may reach where we are supposed to go in an easier route. but like all wanderers, we are apt to get lost, the terrain gets worst than we expect, we meet with the same if not more dangerous obstacles on the way.

the business of living, -let's not even talk about living life to the fullest- demands so much energy and attention from us. mountainous problems, rocketing emotions, they all leave us drained every now and then.

from the exploitation of our innocence, to the growing of our soul and experience, we realise that truly, there are no answers, except to carry on.

how many dreams have we had, that vanished with the sunset at the end of the day?
yet how many dreams awoke with us at dawn?
how many days have we drank from the cup of disappointment, yet eaten from the plate of satisfaction?
how many days have we wept, yet sang with heart so carefree the very next day?

and we learn so many things.

we learn that with every hello, at the end, you may have to say goodbye.
we realise strength of character, when we meet troubles with grace and dignity, not the grief of a child.
we realise maturity, when we refrain from judgement, and understand.
we realise wisdom, when there is more to life than intellect.
we learn love, when we hold out our arms to hug and accept.
we learn the art of endurance, when we break down, yet we smile through our tears and get up again.
we learn empathy, when we look at someone who fell, and sit down with him to cry.

yet learning never limitations, never comes to an end.
there is so much out there, so much to see, so much to behold.

we learn what balance is. the good and the bad.
and then we learn to carry on.

my piano exam is on the 13th december.
i am such a goner.

anyway.. here goes!

the best friend quiz

who is your best friend? make that friends. LOUEY AND YUN!
how did you meet her? yun: first day of sec 1, she lent me her pen and we were in the same orientation group. it began from there. it's been 9 years! louey: in sec school but we only grew closer aftet that! no idea how actually. haha
why is she your best friend? because i can tell them the most scandalous things under the sun and all they will do is smile at me. heh. plus their undying loyalty and support. plus.. they are...them. i dont know they're just my best friends cause they are the best.
have you had a crush her before? haha no. sorry to disappoint guys. heh!
are you in love with her? i love them. :)
do you have pet names for each other? yun is my sweetie! cause she's candy.. ;p and louey is my aqualover..
what do you like best about her? yun: she's pretty! haha i like it that i can call her anytime i want just to whine and ask for her advice, esp for girls. ahha and i like louey's guaranteed success to make me feel better when im down. and louey's pretty too. sorry all your public out there i get all the pretty ones. whahaa
what do you think she likes best about you? erm... you better ask them.
what do you dislike about her? i wldnt say dislike. more of a disagreement? hmm i guess for yun is her cynism at times and indifference and for louey is her insecurity.
what does she dislike about you? oh man. for yun i know it's definitely smoking. haha. erm.. i dunno. prob too many to name.
will she be your maid in honour when you get married? if i get married yes. wait, am i only allowed to have one or?
what is your most memorable time with her? oh man i cant think of a particular time! well i guess it has to be at mau's bday at her place, and yun and i were just in our own world feeding each other chicken wings. haha i dunno if u rem that. or that time you gave me a photoframe to put my picture and my best friend and you were blabbing on abt how you know it wont be your pic and the look on your face when i told you i put your pic in it.. yeah.. :)for louey.. hmmm.. i dunno the time when we gave her a bean bag for her bday and she was carrying it like santa claus. haha the image is always fresh in my head.
name the craziest thing you ever did with her: haha showing/trying on her my moves on other girls and getting caught and misunderstood by teachers. ;p for louey: TOO MANY TO MENTION! let's see... all the drunk times... esp when i climbed over the gate in the pouring rain during halloween and scared her maid cause i was in my cape and mask... guys thinking that i am interested in them because louey told them so when it's actually her who likes....gee....
when was the last time you confided in her? wow! super recent.

last of all, tell her you love her!
i love you!

if i continue to mature, if i become more sensible, more independent, maybe, just maybe, you will grow to rely on me, like how you did for her.

in the meantime, my fingers are crossed.

everyday brings new challenges, new faces, new changes.

tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
time spent together is not a gift that we are allowed to take for granted.

but let's pray at least, we are facing the same direction.

and hopefully hand in hand.

we normally run away from people we dislike.
or people we like too much.

we all grow up a little everyday.

views that we have clung onto slowly start to change, perceptions, certain theories no longer hold the same weight anymore.

everyday, if we are reflective enough, we experience changes. changes in our mentality, our outlooks, our mind spectrum broadens a little more.
because sometimes, we are more observant than usual, and we realise, either slowly or with a jolt that we're not quite right all the time.

suddenly, it aint about you anymore. it isnt about you in your own world anymore. it's about people you dont know, people you may meet, and people in your life. and the complement, the compliment or the colliding of your world and theirs.

everyday we watch soap operas, either the dramas of our lives or others.
and sometimes we laugh. sometimes even sneer. because of its absurdity, its complexties or its downright stupidities. or maybe we just find it hilarious because fake racous laughter beats tears anytime.

and like the characters in those soap operas, we have to deal with ours. our interactions, our conversations, their presence. and then we learn to adapt.

or sometimes even fall in love. or out of love.

and then we grow up. and learn a little more.

we learn to live with certain memories. we learn to let go.
we learn to accept some changes, we learn to tolerate others.
we learn how to deal with our emotions.

we learn that some people are just wrong for you, and they shouldnt be in any episodes with you.
we learn that some people are just wrong for you, yet you continue to work with them anyway.

we learn that some people are right for you, just not for this season's show.

we learn that some people are meant to be together, but just not now.

it's a whole melodramatic learning process almost.
a whole damn soap opera within a soap opera.

--------------------------------------------------------
my spiritual buddy:
i am sorry.
i really am.
and your words will give me strength.

to my one in a million:
im sorry too.

you guys shld know who u r. but just to be on the safe side, do drop me a tag when u see this.

oh oh oh and i forgot to say this just now.

go and watch 'saving face'. the joan chen movie.
GO GO GO GO GO

im serious. it's such a sweet movie. arg.

i'd really want such an ending too.

uncomprehensive recent feelings that i cant seem to grasp.

in this universe in which we reside, i am but one amongst the billions. i stare out at the vast world which surrounds me, the complexities which it contains and i find myself trying to answer that endless questions of the meaning of life.

suddenly i am gripped by fear of the very existence of us. the facts of how fragile life is looms larger than life than usual.

what if something happens to you or me tmr?
wld i have said all that i wanted to say?

treasure life, yet ironically i defeat its purpose by throwing paranoia in.

to live by such, is not healthy.

i look at strangers around me, familiar faces. and i want to tell them life is precious. that sometimes we waste to much time and energy on things that dont really matter. yet i dont practise what i preach.

i look at my lifestyle, certain vices that i indulge in. healthy? duh no. regret? im sorry to say but no too.
does treasuring life mean we should live healthier? maybe. maybe not.

i step into a room full of confidence. that hasnt changed.
yet, insecurity has been seeping in through cracks that have been allowed to appear. yet the mind is full of self defence mechanisms. the emotional make up that i wear far exceeds the literal make up i ever will put on.

i used to be so detached, devoid of emotion, heck care whatever.
needy? clingy? i scoff at those words.
yet i almost feel like i may turn into that.
ok not to that extreme but characteristics of those anyway.

suddenly, im just afraid that my loved ones might leave, in some way or another.

that's my greatest fear you know.

lapses into silence and ponders

is this what i have been reduced to, or is this what i have grown to be?

too many questions, no explanations, no answers.

if promises are made to be kept, why the silent trepidation that it may be broken?

faith, trust, hope and love.
the very essence of everything, yet how slowly they nurture, and how quickly they vanish, only to be replaced by their antonyms.

the endless battles of the heart against the mind. which the heart eventually triumphs, but winning is always with its price. there is no such thing as a painless victory.

but ultimately, you are the farmer. you reap what you sow. and with tolerance, patience, and all other virtues, your harvest will not fail you.

and that, is what i shall hold on to.

unconditional love? not quite. but trying.

------------------------------------------------------------
to you: we learn new things everyday. sometimes we need more lessons before we understand it. and sometimes we need time to absorb it. but either way, i'll get it in the end. just..erm.. dont give up ok?

to audrey: thanks for meeting me, and no thanks for scaring me. haha just kidding. (or maybe not!) anyway glad i confided in you.. and yeah... will bear your msg in mind. love ya buddy.

anyone knows where i can repair s sony t3 cybershot camera relatively cheaper than sony distributers?

remember some time back i told you guys i cracked my lcd screen?

it'll be costing be 400 bloody f- *toot toot toot!* bucks!

400.....

people, if i busk at orchard with my guitar, will you all spread the word and support me please?

anyway, i did this and come on man give me a break it's so not true

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-) You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person. Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/">What Kind of Seducer Are You?

life is so predictably unpredictable, that some moments slip out of your hands the minute you learn the art of grasping.

suppose we step out of our lives and look at ourselves from a stranger's point of view. what would we see? would we nod in admiration or laugh and point fingers? would we notice things that we never ever saw before?
people always say the 3rd party knows best, the one who looks from the outside sees the best.
maybe, maybe not.

does it really matter?

its even scarier when you begin to depend heavily on someone. not financially or emotionally, but just his presence. because life is so unbalanced at times you never know when it will tilt towards your favour or crash on the other side.

so why take the risk and light that candle? you never know when the flame might go out or you never know when you might get burned, whether you play with fire or not.

should we then look from the unlighted candle from afar and simply imagine its beauty when it is lighted, but never making it reality because we are afraid that you will become so captivated and enchanted you may never stop looking at it.

but of course, we all know life is all about risks. and all the life is short go for it etc etc.
yes yes theory is everywhere.

it's just a matter of conviction.

i had leaped upon it expectantly before i remembered one must not harbour unnecessary hopes. so i began erasing all the expectations, till they vanished, all but one.

quantity is not equivalent to significance.

ive learned, over a course of time, that when you shrug something off your shoulders, it'll get hooked on your belt in the process of falling, so it follows you. you screw your head to look at it but you cant see it. yet it's there. and its presence almost irritates you.

and im learning too, that genorosity only goes that far. extend it to sharing and i'll score lower than the temperature in the north pole.

sometimes i wonder, why we do the things we do? what are the reasons to spur us, and explanations we give ourselves that hold us back.
is the truth blatantly in our face, so close that we cant see it?
or like many truths, did they go into hiding.

what causes us to embark on particular paths, even if you may feel is is an almost inevitable journey of frustrations. do we do it to prove ourselves wrong, or perhaps we seek to dig for happiness we know we will find within.

i think we humanoids are strange beings.

but that's another thing that ive learned. we know that certain things are vices, they aint good for us. yet we stubbornly do it anyway.
simply because it makes us happy, and it's a basic human inclination not to think so far ahead.
or we await something, almost with desperation, we seek for answers to questions that need not have existed.

i should sing that eagles song 'the things that are pleasing you, can hurt you somehow'
hello i should even be singing desperado why dont you come to your senses.

how appropriate.

but it contradicts the cliche of good things come to those who wait.

when i have a glass of water, i just say there's water inside. it's neither half full, nor is it half empty.
but this time, i'll go with the cliche.

if im lucky, the pay offs will be fantastic.

CLICK LINK FOR MORE HALLOWEEN PICS >>>. http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8IZMnDFo5avag

sometimes i think i dig my own pitholes and i blatantly step right into it.
and then when im in it, i look up and stare at the whole blue sky and wonder how i got myself into such a mess when such wonders are above me.

knowledge equals to wisdom? sometimes ignorance is really bliss. but even knowing that, some stubborn idiots just have to extract that information to satisfy curiosity? the urge to know?

unfortunately, upon hearing what you saw was coming, it's still a shock. ego enters and you almost feel like you want to demand whether she's really better than me.

and then one starts to wonder if she'll ever take my place.
and will the love you had/have for me be replaced by the love you may have for her?

it makes one want to smirk and say 'good luck dude. she'll never love you as much as she loved me. i'll always be THE ONE to her'
and i may say with such conviction and attitude i may almost believe it myself.

well all is inevitable really.

the end of something is always the beginning of another.

we're all moving on, and you and i will become nothing but a past memory.

ANNOUNCEMENT

i know some people are waiting for pictures of halloween to be up, but due to some mishap, im sorry to say that my camera is currently not working. yup.. rain got soaked into the lcd screen.

therefore, i am unable to upload any pictures onto this website or even onto my com.

to the girls we met at the coffeeshop.
SO SORRY! you gotta wait some time before i send you the email ok??
pls drop me a tag if you read this.

updates on the party and others soon.