i'm frantic because i'm convinced i have become woolly-brained and can absorb nothing.

damn exam.

i'm waiting impatiently for my darling's call so i can dash over and i can study and she can test me.

nothing like last minute work to kick the adrenaline in.

and adrenaline in this case is just a pretty word for panic.

so ask me, why am i still here typing away when i should be at my table

i told you. ive gone woolly-brained and i need cher to turn it into sponge-brain.

takes a deep breath.

SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

to answer yun's question on my tagboard not so very long ago.

cityspeed is a car sharing scheme, inclined to people who will not use the car everyday and hence monthly payments becomes unnecessary expenses.
you pay a membership, and it's a pay -as- you- use thing.
the most worth it packages are the overnighters ($30) and 24 hours( $40)

it's way less than renting a car.
especially since you dont have to pay for petrol.

and judging that i am not quite familiar with the roads (although years of cab taking helped a great deal), a lot of petrol goes to just driving around and driving around and driving around just to get to my destination.

so for now, this is perfect for me!
:>

quite happy with the arrangement.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
some little updates.

my Evidence paper on thursday was... well.. evidently not very good. heh. oops.
ok, let's start again.
my evidence was paper was not very good. but it was not horrendous.
it's always the same case.

i'll either fail with flying colours or scrape through.

yes yes a failed mark is a failed mark.
but if that's the case, why are people so hyped up over As or bs or Cs.
a pass mark is also just a pass mark.
see?

the logic of jem. i like!
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i dont believe in studying on sunday.
anyway, as the weather was pro-tanning for the past few days, i decided to join bessy's and cheryl's trip to sentosa.
took the car, picked bessy, and the 3 of us went on our way.
only to be caught in a huge deluxe thunderstorm.

and a few days ago, i told cher that i will never drive in such a weather.

because visibility is almost zero!

and damn, it just had to pour when we were on the highway.

after crawling for some distance, we spotted a sign and then we went to.....

the Singapore science centre!

haha.
it was pretty interesting.

so there we were, quite soaked, cause we had to run from the carpark to the centre which was about 70 m away.

we went to omnitheatre and blah blah blah. all the stuff you usually do at the science centre.

and then... we went to the jurong go-karting!
which was deserted.

and looked quite.. desolated.

and it costs $35 for 10 mins. .which we were actually willing to pay since we were in a mad mood.
but seeing the state of the place, we left and we went to........

jurong swimming pool!!
the one with all the slides and the wave pool.

please note that the rain just stopped and the water was freezing and it was about 7.30pm.

are we spontaneous or what?

jem rescued a moth that was drowning. :>

ended off the day with 'zi char' at 7-11 where we ate and ate and ate.

burp. bliss.

my life officially halts on 26th may, thursday.
resurrection will begin 5th june, friday, 12.58pm.

kids. no wonder they say upbringing is vital.

months have passed. i now know each kid as an individual.

you have kids who are fat. kids who are pudgy. kids who are average. kids that are skinny.

you have kids that are talkatative. kids who cant shut up. kids whom you wonder is mute. or tone deaf for that matter.

you have kids who are hardwoking. kids who obviously practise. and kids who obviously and blatantly do not.

you have pri 2 kids claiming they have all the time in the world because homework is very easy and few. and you have pri 2 kids claiming they have no time because the homework is very difficult. it is also interesting to note that these 2 kids are classmates.

you have kids who greet you and say thank you. and kids who march in and march out without even an eye contact.

you have kids who have lost their front teeth and look cute when they smile. let's not talk about the other type.

you have kids who are so eager to learn. and kids who think that i'm such a bother.

there are kids who i shall admit who became my pets. and .. let's not talk about the other type either.

then there are the parents.
you have parents thinking i dont seem qualified. bloody hell i AM pursuing a diploma so fuck off.

you have parents not knowing shit about music and they ask me why i am taking so long to teach a song when it's their bloody daughter being unable to grasp the technique. or rather, not even trying.

then there are the parents who push their kids. and piano which becomes a joy turns into a nightmare for the kids. and i bear the brunt of their black faces as well as their parents' black faces because their child's progress is slow.

on the other hand.
you have parents who express admiration for me.

you have parents thanking me for making lessons a joy when their child's previous teacher was hell.

you have parents giving me ang baos at chinese new year.

you have parents wanting to take pictures of their child and me so they can frame it up at the piano.

i have to remember the good.
especially when i have a bad day.
no, make that a fucked up day.
because of that and everything else.

and why is my blogger in chinese.

ok, because i cant seem to reply my tags on my tagboard, nor be able to tag anyone else, here goes!

to all who congratulated me, please congratulate me again! hahahaha ok just kidding.
thank you!!!! :D
but for all those who asked me to be their chauffer, i have to say, sorry, no car. haha. YET.

yun: thank you for being so supoprtive and doing my quiz! EVERYONE PLEASE FOLLOW YUN'S EXAMPLE.

A: honda jazz? hmm i'll think about it! i kinda still have my heart set on a white mazda 3. or wait. my bmw 7 series. haha. ok yes jem wait long long. yes yes i know.
and A, stop insulting my basketball man! he's doing a bball stunt! it's a stunt! a cool stunt! haha

twinkle: haha yes!! i so remember the down there thing! obscene!!

papayachick: hey!! is it me or has your tagboard disappeared??

val: omg.. yes basic theory. i remembered i didnt pass~. oops. haha

lenny: yes yes i'm itchy to play too. but i'm having exams next 2 weeks. after that we play everyday also can. ahha i'll go arrange no prob. drag everyone down.

zen: hey dont say sorry man you didnt bring the crowd in! haha gee. but yes, reiterating your blog, remind me not to zouk anymore. yes!! rouge!! rouge!!! we shall go to rouge after my exams!
anyway, sorry couldnt fetch you back!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
rented a car for the past few days. cherdarling and i went driving everywhere.
we went to sijori wondergolf to play minigolf. cher is so much better than me.
on a certain par i hit the ball so hard, it richoted and landed into the murky pond, forcing me to lie down on algae-rish stones and put my hand INTO that murky water to retrieve it.
yes, miniature golf and i can do that.

i also went to pick mummy up from work at changi! felt so good doing that.

the driving experience was really fun. thank you cher for sharing and accompanying me everywhere and being my directory!

the good about driving:
1. Driving! haha
2. not having to worry about cabs or transport.
3. highways arent that scary after all.
4. convenience!

the bad:
1. many drivers lack courtesy! i felt to sad by that actually. no one seems to like giving way.
2. parking. i cant seem to park without my poles. hwahaha
3. hmmm.....

no more!

ok back to studying.

i dont care you must do this on your own blog.
yun! u do quizzes at times so you must support mine. ;p

am i demanding or am i demanding.

hello! this is called 'Jem's too-free-thought-up-own-questions-with-help-from-cher Quiz!'

Antidote for misery: wallow in your misfortunes for that may be part of grieving, but after that grit your teeth and snap out of it. an act may have ended but the show goes on. and it cant carry on without its director. go easy on yourself.

Brands favoured: Levis. ( I want to get my 501 jeans. you know the advertisement the black guy with his low slung jeans. that's how we do it baby~ that one!) Zara. (dinner jacket here I come) Hugo boss ( their stupid jacket is $1000) Adidas. that's my shoe! Lee Hwa. hey diamonds ARE my best friend and im an avid leehwa fan. Esprit. I just started to realise that their clothes are nice. Armani exchange! their prices are more affodable than hugo. (stupid hugo and their $1000 jacket) and their range looks better lately.

Cash or credit card. which payment is cooler: Cash, but only if you have lots of it. It's not exactly very nice if you have to fish about your wallet for coins and spare change to make up your bill right? I dont condone flaunting though.

Drive?: hahahah *gloating laugh* you see, i created this quiz, hence the question so i can you know, continue reiterating the fact that i just passed. oops. did i just say that again? haha ok cut me some slack i'm really very happy about it!

Epitomy for: hmm. charm. haha! gentlemanly. haha! really.! let's add in humble. :D

Future: um. gee. lawyer? probably not. i have no idea. anything that rolls in happiness and money.

Growing-up years: young, immature. never thought about consequences. leaped before looking. but they made me who i am today. it's because i have such a comparison that in time i realised that it was time to grow up. and grow i did.

Hungry for: sex!! haha ok no. it was just the first word that came to my mind dont ask me why and no i am not deprived. let's see.. i'm hungry for ... some minor straightening of my life to get me back on track.

Illusions of life disproved: *pauses* i'm not a cynic. illsions are sometimes beautiful. and miracles are everywhere. maybe it's just not your turn yet.

let me tell you a good Joke: One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" hahaha ive got nothing against blondes though. i would like to be a blonde. and i like paris hilton. but this joke, so FUNNY RIGHT!

Key to winning the lottery: haha. buy all the numbers in all combinations. guaranteed. dont forget to give me a cut for this fabulous advice.

Life mantra: many times in life we forget to slow down and look at the many gifts God has bestowed upon us. lament your troubles only for a while, but at the end of the day, someone with more troubles are wishing they had your troubles. and hey! most of the time, things are not always as bad as they seem. it always seems to be some innate sadistic streak to be melodramatic.

who and what Motivates : mummy's love for me, cheryl's love for me. i dont like to disappoint anyone. i try not to. although sometimes my trying isnt that hard enough i know.

best ingredient Needed for winning the Amazing Race: Luck. sure, mutual chemistry and physical and mental strength are elements too, but if you're really lucky, no matter how shit you are, you'll get it.

ever been Operated on? Nopperz

Personality: they same as most. serious, yet crazy. talkative, yet quiet. crazy, yet shy. outgoing, yet mellow. everyone has a bit of each in them. i'm no exception. except i guess generally i like my serious side.

Quote : He who loses faith loses all. it's true. when you're at your lowest, what is the only thing that can really revive you.

Rabbits or guinea pigs for pets: RABBITS! haha yes remember it's my quiz so of course i have to have this in. i love my duey very much. although he's more like a dog.

Sporty lifestyle: basketball. tennis. erm. dancing? does that count?

what Turns you on?: self respect. intelligence. confidence. and how about a pair of bare shoulders. *winks*

carry an Umbrella? : no. unless my mummy is home. or unless it's a thunderstorm and it's madness not to carry one.

Vainpot? please answer honestly(heh!): er. a bit. ahaha isnt every girl? i like to check myself out in the mirror, NOT to admire myself but to you know, check!

Why do you think flowers are made the way they are: because God is one heck of a great artist. and creative imagination. and maybe He made stinky flowers like Rafflesia cause he had a sense of homour? heh. or maybe he wanted us to learn the importance of looking beyond the exterior.

What is the first thing you think of when you see the letter X: ok i cheated. i thought of this question cause i had no idea what to ask for X. anyway the first thing i think of is 'expensive.' and then my stupid hugo boss $1000 jacket.

Your 2 cents worth about this quiz: say something nice!:D

Zebras. describe: erm. horses wearing prison clothes.

uncle oliver: congratulations!
me: hehe thanks
uncle oliver: so how you want to celebrate?
me: oh how about buying me a car!

uncle oliver's eyes pop out of their socket.

me: hehe joking.

ok. not really.

;p

I forgot to blog my exciting news.

i passed my driving! yay! i can legally drive now!
quick congratulate me.

thank you mummy for sponsering.
it's a dream come true!
i promise if you buy me a car i'll chauffer you around.
ahaha

ok i really am kidding. i'm not THAT spoilt.

i passed my test yesterday. see, Fri the 13th isnt unlucky after all.

it's frustrating, it's downright maddening that the one person you love so much doesnt have much idea how much she is loved.

but, it is sad too.

you start to think that maybe you didnt do enough to show it, but then you counter with a defence because that idea is just so absurd to you, seeing how you know you have done your fair share and you know your heart is simply bursting with so much love!

haha ok sounds cheesy i know.

ok but seriously.

a relationship works both ways, and sometimes we dont always love someone the way they want us to.
give up then? walk away?
i might have. i did.

but i will not.

because i do want to make this a lifetime commitment. it will takes years to truly understand or compromise with each other.
but i cant do this alone.

you need to have faith.
you need to believe that i wont be unfaithful.
you need to believe that i wont lie to you.

because i will not.

i only have one heart.

i love you.

i repeat.
i love you.

I'm SO happy that Uchenna and Joyce won the Amazing race!

:'''''''D

I'm so proud of them. They played fair and they had their intergrity intact too.

I'm SO HAPPY!

May God bless this beautiful couple with an equally beautiful baby girl/boy.

:''''''''''D

There is someone looking out for the most deserving after all.

I am starting a Uchenna and Joyce fan club. heh.

why must one insist on pressing the rewind button and replay scenes in life that you previously gave up, which all too often serves as a reminder of what you lost, in stark contrast with what you gained.

perhaps it is innate, that we possess a self sadistic nature to think about past encounters as well as the remembrance of the type of emotions present then.

someone once said , 'let go, just let go.'
to which the other replied, almost in despair ' i wish i could but i dont know how'

well,
it all lies in the truth that time brings.

time, accompanied by each individual mentality to want to as well.

undoubtedly, some things can never be replaced.
and some memories are etched more deeply than others.
but they remain that way, irreplacable memories.

but if you keep looking backwards, you're bound to fall. and no one in your past is going to help you up.
do yourself a favour, and look ahead. there are many beautiful things out there.

happy dreams everyone.
forget today, forget yesterday.
tomorrow is a brand new sunny day. give the day a chance and make the most out of it.

things to do and look forward to after my exams which officially ends on the 3rd June. this list will motivate me to study cause only if i feel more or less secured about my exams can i enjoy all these with abandon.
let me close my eyes and fantasize for a while...

1. sort out my finances. my allowance and pay ( yes mumy still gives me allowance but i'm only working part time! --defence!) where was i? ok yeah my allowance and pay vanishes, (must be some dark magic at work!- defence!) so i need to do something about it. i need to put some money in my fixed account, as well as save for other stuff!

2. cher's and i bintan trip! plus the shopping for it. it'll be fun buying our bags, shorts, suntan lotion.... plus the jet-skiing (i cant wait to show my jet ski skills off. wahahahhaha! oops did i just say that out loud?? )

3. buy my electric guitar and amplifier. yes i'm no rock star but i can pretend to be one in the privacy of my room. cher is president of my fan club. you can contact her! ;p

4. shopping!! i received my first ever wedding invitation recently. at shagri-la! wow! i've been to wedding dinners before (obviously!) but it's the first time that the card is addressed to 'Jamie and partner'. i feel so grown up. :) anyway, i want to buy my zara dinner jacket. this is a good opportunity! (haha or a damn good excuse to buy it) cher is gonna pick out a dress too. we mroe or less decided what is nice. ( actually i chose it. i think i have good taste. :D )

5. wala wala with sic friends after the wedding dinner!

6. mau's returning to spore for hols. need i add anything else?

7. perth trip!! yun and mau. enough said.!

8. all the time in the world with cher. :) cant wait.

i have a very intense phobia.

i am paranoid about my loved ones leaving me before i'm ready.
or me leaving them because i'm not ready.

make it extremely paranoid.

and yes, paranoia not properly gripped can threaten to escalate out of control.

but with the loved ones i have, who can help it?

everyday i thank god for giving my family friends and i the gift of life. the very precious gift that i am terrified of never receiving it one day.
i also ask that He gives us tomorrow. for it isnt something promised to everyone.

i request that He look out for my mummy too. keep her in the pink of health. and most importantly, happiness.

because my mummy is undoubtedly the best mummy in the whole world.

yes yes i know, everyone thinks their mum is the best.

but it's true. mum IS the best.

happy mothers' day mummy! i love you!
and happy mothers day to all mummies and future mummies in the world.

a funny incident.. no make that incredulous!

my student: byebye! *waves*
me: bye
student comes back in a minute:( says in a sweet but nonetheless loud voice) OH YEAH HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY MRS GOH!
me: !?!?! are you talking to me?

I'M NOT MRS GOH! AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT A MOTHER!

i think HER mother didnt know whether to laugh or not.
ok, maybe to a 7 year old i may look old. but....!?

maybe i exude maternal instincts vibes.

ah, that must be it.

The rose- bette midler

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves the soul to bleed.
Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need...
I say love it is a flower
and you, it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes a chance.
It's the one who can't be taken
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter,
far beneath the bitter snows,
lies the seed that with the suns love
in the spring becomes the rose.

love this song.

what is the right answer to a dilemma?

the popular questions: lifeboat example - tossing some overboard in order for others to survive.
or that fat man stuck in the mouth of the cave: killed so the others within the cave can get out?

similiarity lies in that element of sacrifice. fatal sacrifices.

i cant imagine being caught in a such a situation. i wouldnt for the life of me have any idea what to do.

conflict of right with the good.

but thankfully,
we rarely have to face such moral dilemmas with our choices resulting in dire conclusions.

but yet we face so many dilemmas everyday. each with their own share of heavy consequences.
and most of them cant really be solved, because some important aspect may be left out.

i guess at the end of the day, it's a choice. and the belief that what you do is right and there simply wasnt any other way.
and because of that power of believing, you end up really convinced.

which is good. because we cant go through life living in between.

if you embark on something without any expectations, the experience is more rewarding than having set a standard -- sometimes, you end up disappointed, which is a pity, because it need not have been that way at all.

i got reminded of this lesson when i was at the buffet luncheon at this certain hotel with auntie and mummy. the last time i went there, i was a kid and had no recollections about that place at all. mummy and auntie were reminising about their weekly coffee days then and their salivating description about the food (esp the carrot cake) made me really look forward to satiating my hunger.

well, i couldnt enjoy lunch because it was crowded. yes, another signal about its popularity. but i guess i like places where i dont feel claustrophobic because the area wasnt very huge.

the quality of the food was ok. nothing to complain about but nothing to rave about either.

and.. there was no carrot cake. what a pity.

*pauses*
ok yes im a little ashamed. because it's not as though the food was horrible. plus the company was great and that's what matters.

so ok! i shall shut up now.

psst. i saw this really nice white dinner jacket from zara.

AND I'M GOING TO BUY IT!
erm.. when i have money.
;p

at one point in time not very long ago, i told myself, detachment may be a temporary solution, but do not be so guarded to the point where you forget how to feel.
it was a reminder i had to keep by my side, because then, i was in danger of erasing the line to becoming one incapable of penetration. but by choice, i inched forward and for a long while, it felt like i was void of any intimate feelings, simply because i didnt want to feel. or didnt have the energy to.

being me, i take everything on its extremes, this being no exception. right now, i opened up to a new world, savouring the euphoria that even little joys brings, and experience pure blissful happiness that had desperately needed a catch up.
As the law of principle applies, everything must be in balance. and scales tipped more favourably to one side spells trouble. And trouble comes in the form of vulnerability.
little things may bring a smile but little things may also bring a tear.
but they are inversely proportionate.
ie. little things bring big smiles. little things bring big tears.

you have the aptitude to love on a level you have never loved before because you allowed yourself to give wholly. something which you thought you would never do, but you realise now that maybe because you didnt care for that person enough to feel on such an altitude.

and loving someone is really the best form of giving.

but it also means that that person has the power to hurt you. and i mean, really hurt you.
your sensitivity is at its max, and it's not always an advisable thing.

but if i had to make a choice between loving less, armour myself against hurt and loving you more and have no shield, i'd take the latter anyday.

only for cher, i will.

glance at the mirror, gloss over your flaws.
gaze at it, and they jump right out at you.

what happens next?

a burning desire to decimate. or protest and sink back into the stupor of fantasy.
because they sting.
they make you become half the person you think you are.

project that mask of confidence. to ensconce that depleting self-esteem.
reject all responsibility of consequence.
but you live with that knowledge that your character is marred. but even worse, the awareness of that lack of courage to produce any form of counter action. coward!
and also, if it continues to hurt those around you.

maybe we should all examine ourselves.
face our flaws. and make conscious efforts.
for all the excuses we make for our wrong-doings, they remain excuses.

sometimes the one you love provokes you and pushed too hard. they over-stepped the mark which you might have been previously so tolerant before.
and because you feel so strongly for that person, those emotions, in these moments, can go dreadfully awry.
but anger, for all its reasons, are passion gone wrong, and taming it is a challenge of life.
more so for some than others.
but it has to be done.
anyway, self control is an art to be mastered. and mastering it brings bountiful rewards.

i'll remember that.