they say time heals all wounds, and they are right.
but there are some kinds of pain which cannot heal, some which you cant forget, and some which you simply get used to.

there are some words that should not be said aloud, words that depict a situation where it should be understood and need not be vocalised, and words from the world of a forbidden. so if it's at the tip of the tongue, to be carelesssly rolled out, exercise the discipline to swallow it, because what does one have to lose? are the words so valuable that they must be heard?
the trick, is knowing when to distinguish when you need to be listened, and when you just want to talk.
it's easy to lose ourselves in the dramatics of a situation, and given the sex we are born with, we can blame it as part of nature.
the trick, is knowing how to act 'seh', not matter how cut up you are inside.
because everyone loves a happy man.

i think the notion of it, is quite sad. it accentuates a world of impatience, where the weary are frowned upon, and everyone has too many troubles on their own back to help others with their burden.
but something which is sad, is also realistic.
which again then makes you wonder if realism's nature is one of sadness.

i think it takes a really big person, one who has a big enough heart to bestow tolerance and patience to people, even to those who do not deserve it. ive always admired the profession, like chatline counsellors, nurses , forgive me if i have missed any another noble occupation out.

everything is ephemeral. even sadness. only memories are eternal, unless by luck/bad luck, you get amnesia. i'd like to say i'm lucky, that ive never had a memory that hurt so bad i wished that upon myself. because ive always been a believer that everything negative that happened made you the person you are. and bad memories are just that. bad memories which you can be strong enough not to be affected by it. and sad memories, are well, punctuated with the once happy smiles, which makes you strong enough to deal with it too.

i remember many things, many little points which unconsciously filter in, which leave me sad, but comforted. because it's fine. the chapter may be over, but it was one of the best written chapters, because you put such effort, such soul into writing in. and though, before it could end, the manuscript was brutally torn up, it's still ok. because you dont always need something tangible.

i read ur blog entry dated 10 dec.

there are many things that i'd like to say, but it seems like all has been said and done already.
sometimes, i feel indignant on your behalf, and i used to think that it was ego when i thought that no one could ever take my place in that sense. and all those people that you met were such losers, how could they ever make you feel what i made you felt?
does that sound arrogant or what?
but then i read ur entry, and i realised this wasnt cockiness-talk after all.
after the whole tiring mess, i thought that when i thought about you, it would simply be frustration, relief, and those tinges of bitterness. and it was, for a long time. i know it's mutual. but that means that, whatever we had was real. it was not a fairytale, an illusion etc. it was real life shit and shit happens.
but i'm glad it happened anyhow.

i didnt think anyone was good enough for you, not because i always wanted to be number 1 in your life. ive gone past that stage.
i realise that after the whole gamut of emotions and dramatics we went through, you are such, well, a special girl. ( and i dont mean special in that justin kind of way. aahahhahahaha )
but i didnt want you to get hurt.
as cheesy as it sounds, i just want you to be happy. and thus, when i supposedly scoff at the new ones, it's simply because, they're not good enough to you, and that's shiningly obvious to me.
for all your faults, you have a whole lot of good points anyone would search for an eternity in a gf but never find.
trust me, when the one who finds you, you'd hear me go 'way to go!'
because you deserve a whole lot better than me, than them.

love u babe.

this just reaffirms everything.
when it comes to certain things, there will always be the iota of doubt.
but, despite that, i guess, you do know when it's time.

we had to euthanise her. but it's ok, she's not hurting anymore.

' it is only for your own sakes'
when do you know when it is time? and how do you recognise the point where you begin to think for her and not for yourself. and how to you see the truth, and what you should do next.
euthanasia.
we're not ready.
for selfish reasons or otherwise, we're hoping for a miracle.
at least we can say, we gave it one last shot.

yl's dog. 17 years. pray hard everyone.

:,(

in response to a friend's blog, i have to say, our sentiments are similar. i like to be told ' i love you' every single day too.
it makes me feel special ( omg did i just say that out loud) and it's comforting that in the midst of this troublesome world, there is beauty in your life just from being loved, which makes up for all the nasty things that happened during the day.
and it's a perfect end to a day, so that , god forbid, should anything happen in the night, you can take an even sweeter comfort from the fact that the last words uttered are the 3 most meaningful words in the world.

zouk out last night! virgin go-er. was forced to try the euroslide. let me reiterate. i.do.not.like.heights. in fact, even a pedestrian overhead bridge i already my butterflies make their appearance.
but i'm glad i did it, twice too. woo hoo, fear factor/ amazing race style. :D

one of the high points of the night was that, in a one in a million chance, i ran into my one in a million. haha ok was that lame?
anyway, man, that did leave me smiling, especially since i received what i requested.
*grin*
i STILL think it's a sign, the way i (almost) always call you at the right time, and (almost) always run into you at the right time too.

anyway, due to very different tastes, gwenniepoo and i were at different arenas. wahah. of course she was at her hiphop, i was at my trance/house. but the dj/band was good!! the drummer's beat and the strong bass, you give a whole new meaning to 'getting lost in the music'

:) i'm glad i went.

the more beautiful it is, the harder it gets. perhaps this is what they call the epitomy of beautiful disaster. play with fire and you're bound to get burnt. the flames draw you close, it's hypnotic. beause you allow it to be.

'what power has love but forgiveness?
In other words
by its intervention
what has been done
can be undone
what good is it otherwise?'

- William Carlos Williams

you wish to apologise, but there are some words you cant unsay, some actions you cant do. and there are the holes, in the places where you neglected, there is sorrow, in failure. when one makes a mistake, what else is there to do, but apologise.

but some mistakes are one too many, or too grave.
'I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat'

but you will turn around and say, 'it's too late to apologize'.
and i would nod, because it's what i would expect all along.

life changes fast, in many ways. people move on, turning back occasionally, to look at who they left behind. what do you see in their eyes? you see regret, you see longing. but you only see it, when their heads are turned to your direction. when they turn away, they are looking forward, looking at someone else, with different feelings. you hold your hand, but no one sees. because you were the one who was left behind.
when can i pinpoint the exact moment where i turned my head? i dont know. but i know i did it with a heavy heart, with a head bowed.

people assume that the one who leaves has it the easiest. and it's true. no matter the defence that you hurt too, that it was the hardest thing you ever had to do, the one who makes that final choice, left gaping wounds for the victim to clean.
it's true , there is no denying it. i know i am the one who left. but you are the one i hurt.

and in the process, i hurt too. so much so that i wonder who i am. i became someone else, because when i left, i gave you a part of me no one else could ever have.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
it's too late to apologize, it's too late

is it really?

the other her said 'denial is always better than acceptance'
well, ive always made a big deal from shutting out unpleasantries successfully. and i've always been a big advocate that there's always a story behind every word said, and some things are not what they seem.
and when messages are passed through unreliable sources, there is inevitable miscommunication.

ive got the theory down pat.

but just like how it stung, i'm starting to wonder if i'm just being a fool all these while.

you know how it feels? to have so much faith in someone, only to have it taken away? some things take so long to build, but so easy to crumble.
i know how she feels, and there are things i desperately want to say.
but everyday, its a one sided conversation.