i advocate that life is too unpredictable and we should spend several minutes in solitude each day thinking about who and what we could have lost, but didnt.

to: you

that's when i love you

when u have to look away when u don't have much to say
that's when I love u i love u just that way
to hear u stumble when u speak or see u walk with two left feet
that's when i love you i love u endlessly
and when you're mad cause u lost the game
forget i'm waiting in the rain
baby i love u i love u anyway

cause here's my promise made tonight
u can count on me for life
cause that's when i love u
when nothing u do can change my mind
the more i learn the more i love
the more my heart can't get enough
that's when i love u
when i love u no matter what

So when u turn to hide your eyes cause the movie it made u cry
That's when i love u i love u
A little more each time
And when u cant quite match your clothes
Or when u laugh at your own jokes
that's when I love u I love u more than u know

and when u forgot that we had a date
or that look that u give when u show up late
baby i love u ,i love u anyway

so here's my promise made tonight
u can count on me for life
Cause that's when i love u
When nothing u do can change my mind
the more i learn the more i love
the more my heart cant get enough
that's when I love u when i love u no matter what

when duey was young






literally the size of a ty beanie baby..


but now.. duey is big and fat and lazy..


but he's still the centre of my world!

every once in a while we come across an event which makes an unexpected impact on you even though you have no direct relation to it whatsoever.

but it succeeds in making you feel ashamed. of how we waste time on mundane things, or get melodramatic over issues which are not important. how we neglect what makes us grow, and sadly, how easily we hurt the ones closest to us.

life can be stripped away so easily, yet we fight over stupidest things, we do not bother to take the effort to understand, to emphathise, to symphathise. all the values that we grew up with we throw away so easily in the face of our materialistic world and selfish desires.

it's scary.

sometimes i think that's why bad things happen to people. maybe it's to teach us a lesson. a crucial awakening for all of us.

maybe that's what God's plan is for all those unfortunate people? and maybe they'll be aptly rewarded later on?
i dont know.

all i know is, dont let all the bad things in the world be in vain. let's all learn a little something from them.

cheers,

jo, jem and pooja


ange and i. we look so sweet!


jem, mich and jo


the crowd of us minus ange and jas


the 3 Js

AHEM!!!

and it isnt about tolerance. or resigning yourself to accept.

it's about understanding. and it takes a bit of effort.

and there isnt enough in this world.

all i know is that the kind of happiness i feel right now cannot compare to any feeling of euphoria i ever experienced in the past.

it's deep felt and genuine.

and i hope its mine for keeps.

it's not easy to be me..

you lead a double life. you have to mask certain areas of your life and your orientation to adapt to others, to survive. because there will always be a problem of discomfort.

and there is also the matter of breaking a family's heart.

you have to begin their endless debate with yourself whether to come out or not because you are ready.
you have to be aware of their feelings. what will they tell their friends, their relatives. they have to come to terms that it is no longer a phase.
but you have to accept that they will sit down and try different angles of pep talks to see things in their light, and to convince you and maybe themselves that you are still young and therefore will grow out of it.

but all those lies are bad for one's soul.

you cannot change people's minds. that's the problem with stigma. it takes too much work and too little result to get people to empathise. you cant really teach these sort of things. you can only create tolerance. at the end of the day, it is up to that particular individual.

you have to deal with cynics who say 'oh that was expected' because you come from a convent.

you have to deal with the Church. because you are a sinner.

yet you stubbornly are convinced that as long as you are a good person, God will see you in that light. and you will face thousands of people who will go all out to prove you wrong.

nature vs nurture? no. they go hand in hand.
but does it matter why it happened?

you have to spend the rest of your life explaining.

you cant claim to give a flying F*** about what the world thinks because you do care and quite rightly so because you need the world and many of its aspects to survive.

*thinks*

is it all worth it some may ask. that's not even as issue. it's just.. love happens.
why must love ever be limited to a particular gender?

everyone is different.

homosexuality is almost like a race at times. you gotta deal with racism and all its shit. yet who can blame anybody?
it's just the way the world works.

celebrated jo's birthday at double o yesterday. inititally it was not bad, but then the crowd thickened, temperatures rose, and feet got tired.

haha michele said i am old and i think i agree.

i was trying my darndest not to fall asleep in the car on the way home because mich was giving me a lift and it wouldnt have been nice but considering how zombified i was it didnt make much of a difference.

i kowtow to those who can club every other day. where on earth do you guys get your bountless energy from? how about channelling some to me?

anyhow, my clubbing days are officially over. ( not that they ever started)

i havent eaten prata for so long and yesterday i ate it and i was reminded of how much i love drinking the curry and how much i love crispy prata.
i miss the prata at shenton house.

funny how restless and unsettled i can feel at times till i feel almost on the verge of panicking.

and funny how someone can calm me down almost instantly.

it's irrational. but ah, that's just me.

i hate myself sometimes.

i really really do.

why cant i control, just like everyone else. why must i be different.

i hate myself. arg.

h.a.t.e.

and no one, no one knows what it's like. or its depth.

no one will ever understand.

in some things, you stand by yourself.

and in this,

i am a.l.o.n.e.

anyhow,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BUDDY JOANNE!!!!!!

yikes you're 22.!

sorry for making you worried yesterday. i didnt mean to disappear handphone no reception la! haha but yes i am safe home not stranded anywhere.

*grinz*

thanks for meeting me on saturday. and i have no idea why everytime we meet i alwasy do the same thing and that is to eat. haha oops
'i'm so hungry i feel like i have not eaten for one thousand years!' haha sounds familiar right.

anyway, ure growing up! (haha yes me and my you grew )

may you have a great birthday! stay strong and happy and may you have showers and showers of blessings!!

love u!

yesterday seems so surreal.

it was a dream. that came true.
:)

and i have yet to wake up.

cool..

i think growth is so important. when you widen life's perspective and gain the courage to change or adapt, increase in tolerance and more importantly, understand.

there are some questions in life that can never be answered and i guess at times we need them for closure. but what if you know that the answers arent there? it's about acceptance of the inevitable, and then you move on, and then you grow.

but it's always so easy in theory. it's so easy to say all these right things at the right time. i admire those who put it into practice, because it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do.

sometimes i take a step back and examine my life and i feel a little lost about where im heading but hell who doesnt go through that every once in a while. ive learn that sometimes its not so important to have a goal for the moment, and just take it step by step. i mean of course you have to plan for certain things but when times get rough and you get stressed, it's time to take a breather and relax.

i was just thinking about my friends and i marvel at the changes that they have made. they seem so much stronger, and i dont know how to explain, but they grew.

and i admire them.

let's highlight 3 of my very good friends that have made the strongest impact on me.

A.
she has to juggle work and studies. i hear her on the phone doing business and im like wow. she has studies at night. i mean what the hell i cant even handle going to school regularly.
she makes an effort for friends, family and bf. she puts up with a lot of shit.

J.
i cant say much without revealing, so let's leave it as she didnt crack under pressure. and trust me, lots of pressure. proud of you buddy.

Y.
you used to be so sheltered and you didnt even know how to take mrt and i had to order food for you. (haha oops) but look at you now.. you look after a guy, a house and a dog. you study. you work. you cook! you take out the trash. ok enough said.

i dont know.. it's like just so wow.

i feel so pampered suddenly. yet why do i feel so dissatisfied?
i like who i am, how i think etc. i am proud of myself in some ways.
but in other ways, i feel so ashamed. because there is so much more for me to achieve, yet i cant muster the drive to do it.

how does one cultivate discipline?

"i love you."

"i love you."

*takes a deep breath* that's the way it should be and will be.

sometimes, we all need a little reminder that some things dont matter, and this is the only thing that does.

before it's too late.

as it progresses, my course changes. they say it is experience, not age, that brings about wisdom and i nod in agreement to that.

our life is like a train journey. i have planned the type of track my train will take. (not my route or destination, mind, im still a lost sheep in those terms) but i had certain principles and ideals and have always prided in being a realist. i always thought the kind of workmanship and tools i used in building that track was the best.

such arrogance i know. but in my defence, i learn.

my mindset can change, just like the modifications of any train track. to give the driver and its passengers are smoother ride. i can cushion the seats and increase the quality in food and beverages.

i bray loudly in dismay at the stubborn donkey that lurks in me.

but im not about to lose any of my loved ones because of poor management. let's face it, who would face a train journey with a driver that loses his temper half the time. last thing i would want is for any fear to be instilled.

i will make the necessary changes.

and i am offering you a free ticket on the train of the newly improved jem.

or tryin to be anyway.

hyper sensitive. yes that is the perfect epitomy of jem.

i always thought that insecurity is based on the other party's lack of reassurance. now i feel it stems from the other party's insufficient reassurnace. and we all know that insufficiency is relative, for what may be enough to one is hopelessly minimal to others.

i wonder why it never seems to be enough. is it human's nature of innate greed?

or perhaps it's a feeling of fear so overwhelming that it threatens to spiral out of control.

one minute t it soaks in contentment and happiness, the next tick of the hand is accompanied by a sheer drop of the heart for no apparent reason. irrational or not, rollercoaster emotions are exhausting.

my only defence is that love is not supposed to be logical.

everytime i look at you, i thank God that i am not blind..

i hereby announce that honolulu IS a flower!

why didnt anyone believe me!?

life can be so sadistic.

i think it is tremendously fearsome how something precious can so easily slip from your grasp and shatter into pieces.

it's also scary how no matter how much time and effort you put in, sometimes the damage is irreversible.

but the scariest of all is that not many people realise how careless they are being till they make the mistake.

and no matter how apologetic and remorseful you are, nothing ever changes.

is this the way life works? that we are being taught lessons in this harsh way? to slap us in the face and punch us in the gut.?

whatever happened to second chances? the one true time to turn things around? has it been something that should be given to us, or has it been a priviledge that has been abused by humans, time and time again.

we understand the concept that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. but understanding its theory is useless without application. yet, it is almost impossible to live as you will die tomorrow, realistically speaking.

i guess the best balance is to cherish every waking moment you have. dont understand this. apply it. the benefits to be reaped is one of earth's most precious treasure to offer.

i laughed so much till tears came to my eyes. then i realised that i was laughing at myself, and they were simply tears of sorrow.

till you came along to kiss them away.