Somtimes I look up to the ceiling, either seeking restraint or patience, or merely searching for the slightest trace of possible sense. but maybe I look up too much.

One of my favourite quotes is not from Socrates,nor is it from George Santayana. Quite the contrary, it comes from a fairy tale boy by the name of Peter Pan. 'Think happy thoughts and you can fly'. When I was intellectually more immature, I took it literally. Now, I can discern the scopicness of it, and appreciate the impact they words actually carry. Trouble is, as so many have often told me, I think too much. Or to put it in more details, I worry too much. I worry about how things are going to turn out, I worry.. and it's making me a pessimist. But sometimes I just deliberately worry with no ill intentions upon myself, but for preparation and mastering the art of stoicism. Marcus Aurelius is my teacher. We have to utilize all our inner senses, but ok I admit, maybe I am exploiting my sense of 'steeling myself against hard knocks'. At least I have recognised this.. so now, it's time to inspirit myself and embloden myself with golden thoughts. who knows? you might see me knocking outside your window with wings one day.... haha okok lame joke. couldnt resist. ;p let's all fly together huh.

I'm gonna be a thinker and i'm gonna fly
I'm gonna grow wings and soar real high
I'm gonna abandon all burdens when i'm up in the sky
I'm gonna let bygones pass me by..

Who can fathom what we have? Anybody who has been in love before can....

It's ok cause everything will be fine one day

It's ok cause I can find the inner strength within myself

It's ok cause I am neither coquettish nor dissembling

it's ok cause I am who I am.. no false pretences

It's ok cause I am trying my best

It's ok cause there are many little miracles everyday

but mainly it's ok cause I have you by my side.....

oh it's gonna be ok....

happy birthday to me....

This is my last teenage year...
I think my life so far has been like a roller coaster.. the ones which turn 360 degrees... It goes up.. and then there's those dreadful drops.. turns round and round.. but at the end of the day, there's security provided and nonetheless, you enjoy the ride. I enjoyed my ride anyway.

I used to think that birthdays are just another day.. no big deal.. and in a way it hasnt changed. But today, I feel that I grew up.. slightly more.. in terms of mindset.. and responsibility. many of my erstwhile views have broadened and became more flexible? yet with this seemingly positive change, the drawback is that perhaps it goes hand in hand with cynicism, and the fact? that life isnt quite like a fairy tale.. however, the naivety in me, or perhaps the inner rebellion still stubornly holds on that there is such a thing as a dream-like euphoric world.

To you:
I thought that maybe you were just a good classmate, and maybe I confused you with a friend. I thought that our sharings were conveniently available to each other because of the everday involuntary meetings. Maybe this might still hold true. But you know what? I'm glad today we took the first step to prove that maybe this isnt the case after all. you're still my bro....

Life isnt perfect... but when I'm with you.. i think to myself.. why not?

A big thank you to Joanne, Cheryl and MIchele for yesterday.
My birthday celebration pictures with the 3 of them are up! :) Anyway, I simply do not know how to express how happy you guys have made me... yeah.. thanks for holding the dinner for me.. taking the trouble to get the presents.. I'm really sorry if I left you guys dry! yeah...and Mich, this is absolutely the first time somebody took the trouble to bake me a cake!! was so touched... haha ahem.. ok very paiseh now.. mk sure ur egos dont get too inflated huh? haha but seriously, Thank You...

Things do get better... and I am glad that although along this seemingly endless journey there has been so many fluctuating emotions involved, it seems like finally.... for once.. I get a tinge of plenary sense of self worth and happiness... I'm still afraid of many thoughts, and what may eventually happen again.. but maybe I should try to stop focusing on how bad it might turn again and concentrate on how good it might be... and I'm not going to set my alarm at 5 anymore...ok.. i'm sorry if you cant follow this.. Im kinda like just putting my thoughts into words right now..
But you know, in their own little ways, things do change.. and sometimes they do change for the better... and I think I have it in me to start believing in the world again.


The night spent with you is etched in my memory... and engraved in my heart......

Are you an atheist? Today's topic: God.
What follows does not aim to convert; leisure reading, directed at self reflection.

Judges interpret the law, priests interpret the Bible. Lawyers do crime study, children of God do religious study. Simliar to the other times of study, some score higher than the rest. And simliar to all types of scores, the amount of marks obtained do not necessarily protray your amount of knowledge and application.And likewise to any sort of education, sometimes the teachers arent always right. ok. do you see what I am driving at?
I believe what is right comes from your own self worth. Why refrain from crime if your only sole purpose is to escape the gallows of prison.. and perhaps hell? We receive so many teachings of right and wrong in the Bible, but each has his own application right? For example, the commandment thou shalt not steal. Some might teach the literal meaning, which could be defined as taking without permission? But if we take without permission and we intend to put it back, what do you call that? See what I am getting at? There are so many loopholes in everything, so, whatever anyone teaches you, think before you believe. You must learn how to question.. and find the answers from God.. speak to Him. I am sure He understands that all of get confused many times and He does not want us to suffer.. so in your own quiet time, dont think.. but feel...

Anyway.. I'll be out with Jo, Cheryl and Mich.. gonna celebrate my birthday! ha.. i cant wait.. :) Thanks you guys.. and to mich and cheryl for going to forum to fnd the non existent caterpillar which i promise u it was there before! CANDY! REMEMBER THE TIME WE WENT TO TOYS R US MANY YEARS AGO? WE SAW THE CATERPILLAR RIGHT? PLS TELL THEM!
haha. ;p grinz.

My heart and my head battles... my heart should win.. but it involves another's happiness.. either way I lose... somebody teach me to be at 2 places at one time.. and how to make everyone happy...
Did i mention I feel like such a failure sometimes?

" Corgito, ergo sum" - Rene Descartes, 16th century Philospoher.

When translated, the above reads 'I think, therefore I am'. The solitary instrument in us that does not have to abide by societal set rules is our mind. It has liberty, free will, intellect and is more powerful than anyone of us gives it credit for. But so many of us abuse this gift.
Think about it? How many countless times do we commit a 'mind crime'? How many of us murder.. or sexually harrass or grievously hurt another being in our minds? Or even -- and this is just as serious-- verbally assault? And no matter how technology is advancing, how many nuclear weapons are hidden, how much cloning research is taken place and all the other changes that is currently taking place, the human mind is guilty of this -- dare I call it a sin? -- at one point or another. It is easy to argue and maybe you can win if you are scintillating enough, to put it down as part of human nature and everybody does it anyway. That is a strong point. But to call it nature?
Maybe I am still considered naive, but I still do believe that Man is born unblemished and unmarred. And maybe it isnt Man's fault that our growing up in conditions such as these have transformed us into not perfect but still good beings. But surely we can be better? Since our mind is so surpassing, as I have mentioned before, we should channel and direct it into good thoughts. And I'm not only referring to our attitutudes towards others. We should always think about ourselves. Dont think you are not good looking enough, or that you are not smart enough. We all do feel inferior at times definitely, but hey, let's all give ourselves a break and believe. Just simply believe.

Most people look forward to the sunshine because it symbolises a brand new day, but I look forward to sunsets cause it is an enblem of nights.. and it is in my phantasms that I can live in the euphoria of you and I.

It is weak anthropic principle that there is not such thing as fantasy... even if it is a delusion, it doesnt matter, cause it is real in your eyes.

I've been dreaming a lot of teletransporting lately, where a person can be transposed from one place to another in a matter of minutes, or to go a bit further, instantly. Yes, all cynics out there, I know that according to the present laws of Physics this is impossible.. but you know, if you really want to debate this, I think that it can be there... only.. it just exists on our minds.. How true is your word Zen, that we all exists in many different realms.. and you know, the power of the mind can do wonders. ..

Do you remember all the ambitions that we've had when we were younger? I wanted to be a policeman, a fireman.... (dont laugh!).. but now I know the difference between childhood ambitions and grown up career ideals. Not that being a fireman or a policeman is bad, in fact I really hold such people in reverence. (*nudges Jo* :) ) But those lines dont really go for me. Actually, I would like to be a gerontologist, the study of human aging. I think I have this certain obsession with the way the mind works, and the consciousness and soul of humanity. But ah well.......
Anyway, I just want to tell whoever.... every path appears differently, if your passion is in the Arts, find that passion within yourself to pursue it. It's not easy, and there may not be many supporters in the way.. but you have to define yourself individuality, and singularity. Just want to tell you I am behind you all the way.. your greatest fan!awww...


I want to be the DJ of our music channel....
I want to serenade love songs to you....

I want to be like refined wine.. where the older you get, the more mature and tasteful you become,, instead of being like just a normal soda..where you remain puerile.. or even worse... deteriorate. So, all my experiences, I shall put them in a positive light, and know that I am on my way in getting where I want to be.This is the art of positive thinking.


"...can do it... it just takes a little more faith" "it takes more practice" "faith takes practice".

ok that was just a little extract from the book that I am currently reading.. called 'A prayer for Owen' lent to me by Cheryl. Anyway, thought the phrase highlighted in bold was rather intriguing. The last few days when i was regurgitating all the admonition and advice upon myself, i kept telling myself to have faith. When i read the book, I realised that hey.. faith doesnt come just like that.. so.. I am going to have faith.. or rather.. I'm gonna practise to have faith. I think we all should learn. It's really a trait. and it's not negative.
Some casual words of comfort passed my way last night.. things have a funny way of working out. well.. bearing this in mind with addition to faith, soon i shall be on my way to savour the fact that one day.. I shall be able to relinquish the detrimentals in me.....

You know, I think it's almost uncanny.. and almost hypocritical, how one's body can be at a certain place, yet the heart is far away.. in a fantasy like trance. I have always had a firm conviction in whole-heartedness, and honesty.. and the above contrasts against my beliefs. But i realise that maybe when it happens, it isnt a question about ethics, nor is it a question of choice. Perhaps sometimes you just have to be a some place though you dont want to... but perhaps if your soul is where u want to be..........

I want to dwell with you in my fantasies, though I know I have to wake up sometime... but maybe in time.. fantasies come true.... and you will be mine.....
then i shall kiss you.. and kiss you .. and kiss you... and kiss you...

i'm weary.

Trepidation of the day... VS the anticipation of the almost minute events that unexpectedly occurs to mk me smile...fortituous...

The inordinate desire.. the yearning.. the hanker... for simplicity... Vs the truculent, impetious slap of reality.

The crave to escape...Vs the chains.

Wanting to be devoid of all emotion..unmitigated detachment... apathetic...Vs affectivity.. sentiments...me.

triumph. Vs. my life. Thank you God for the little mercies.

Let me be... i'm exhausted. nothing seems to be going right at the moment. except perhaps for one thing. but even that cannot be perfect. but.. nothing's perfect right.? right. i acknowledge it. i accept it. maybe i lost the all fight in me. maybe not.

today is the worst day ever.

When someone you love leaves, you dont lose her all at once. you lose her in pieces over a long time..the way her scent fades from your pillow, the memories of a once in a lifetime togetherness hurts you instead of making you happy. when the day comes when thre's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that she's gone forever..

i always thought that when it striked me, i'd fall. i thought this would be a struggle, the way you climb a mountain, and the higher you get, the more oxygen you need. this was true for the past days or so, when occassionally, i'd feel a huge urge to beg for an oxygen tank. but suddenly, i am at the top. it was almost instantaneous. but i felt free, i thought i had the liberty to live my life the way i want.... i was so wrong.

suddenly, i found myself unwilling trapped... ever heard of trappings of love..? well.. let me introduce you to a new phrase.. trappings of a one-sided love. and suddenly, i fell in love with someone else. sounds complicated? if it seems so messed up on paper, can u imagine what the inner turmoil of those involved? so what do i do now? am i entitled to self-pity? self-centeredness? i am tempted.. so tempted to be selfish.... but you know the last thing i want to do is to hurt you

somethings are just out of my control.... and when i acknowledge it.. all stubbornness and defiance rise up against the fact.. just because i acknowledge it doesnt mean i have to accept it.

To that someone very special: the late night conversations, the night spent together, the piano duets, your voice.. especially your smile... everything about you.. i dont know the reason behind the suddenness of this, but reasons dont matter anymore. things are not easy for us.. in certain ways.. i almost feel like romeo and juliet.. star crossed lovers..ha.. i never wanted things to turn out like that.. and i dont know where to go from here... i only know that.. if it's not right to love you.. then i'd rather be wrong.

I want to become a better person. Do you....?

The lines between right and wrong are so fine and fuzzy now.. It's not a bold separation line anymore; it has become a dotted line. Examining the events around me both direct and indirect, it seems like many of us are slipping in our good old traditional morals. One ideal way to become a better person is to not judge someone so easily, friend or otherwise. HOw many of us are guilty of being meanly avaricious, or engage in sordid humour? Sometimes, really, it is time to take a breather and open the eyes in our hearts to increase empathy and get a wider perspective. Let us all accept that we are all born with different tendencies and temperaments. Some of us are melancholy;some with perpetual grins.Some are social; some anti. But character can be built or demolised from habits. so let's dig and fertilize the goodness that is innate in us, and just simply learn to share a little.

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of change

Why is it that when things are getting a little better, something just has to happens to make you crumble again. Not that I crumbled, but it slid me back down a little further. I never denied it would be an uphill climb all the way, but all these setbacks just acts as a catalyst in enhancing the bitterness that has been gnawing at me since it began.. or shld i say.. since it ended.

An email was sent to me, stirred up many of my sensitive emotions.. it's a bit too long to type it all out but here's the part which touched me the most. Hope all of you will not merely glance or look at the words but read it.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike.
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one right.
If tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day
That you didnt take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were to busy to grant someone, what tuned out to be their last wish.

ok.. let's all now perk up a little and let me tell you about my day! :) went to cjc.. saw jean yeow.. no comments.. but no negativites there..ha.. went to SPE.. played bball.. walked by botanics.. saw swans..ducks..terrapins... nature lover..hah
went to Cheryl's house again after that.. watched Vcd.. Jo cooked noodles for me!! haha but it was great.. Mich when am i going to try yours? ;p anyway.. it was a relatively good day... save for some minor glitches.. but it's ok.. one cant have high expectations.. or demand a perfect day.

memories lessen pain but sometimes they haunt;mks u happy..mks u forlorn..

i'm gonna drown myself in the bathroom.. where my tears will merge with the shower... but it's ok.. cause my towel will come in handy to wipe away the droplets.. and i'll be clean and ready to face the world... a fresh new start both literally and figuratively.It is time to move on.


I think I have found the courage to finally face reality instead of dwelling in my fantasies... but it's ok.. cause I know the reservoir in my life isnt running dry.. and I have cultivated the attitude that there are emotional flutuations in life and I must have the belief that things do get better. And with the help of those ard me plus all the distractions I have set up for myself, I know I can get through this.

Had an ok day in sch today..as usual.. slacked in class but I did some work today... and had dinner at Cheryl's place.. i ate so much! ha.. :) But hey you guys today (after sch) was really fun. You guys have really been my major distraction man. But it's good cause it makes me happy. :) awww.....



your smile makes my heart a little lighter, and those dimples make me melt
when ur arms are around me it makes me think... ' was it love I felt?'...

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
So eden sank to grief.
Dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay..... by Robert Frost

When it seems that nothing good last forever, can memories of those good times take its place instead? I think it's something I have to find out on my own...

Michele and Cheryl came over to my place today.. and ahem.. Cheryl was happily trying out all my clothes.. sorry Cheryl, but I dont have shorts or anything.. not my style man. Anyway, to all, pictures of Louey's birthday celebration is up! and to all who view it, pls say thank you to Michele cause once again she did everything for me. ha.. thanks girl.
Jo, thank you for that conversation you had with me. It did make me feel better to talk about it. But yeah.. I'll find my way around in time again.

When love dies, you never have to die with it. And if it doesnt die, learn to live with it.. I will.

It hasnt sunk in yet.

But before it sinks in, I have prepared myself.. going to recite all the past advice I have bestowed upon others before. Look towards the sun and your shadows fall behind. There are many fishes in the sea. Be strong. Stay tough. The list goes on and on and on. But perhaps what would be the most helpful advice would be time heals all wounds. Yep.. it does. problem is, the scars remain forever. Therefore, once more, it is all up to me again. No cliches to lessen the burden, no verbal affection to decrease the.... whatever words are appropriate. But I'm prepared.

Celebrated Louey's birthday today.. had lots of fun. Although Candy was in another continent, it's ok.. she was in our hearts and part of our conversation too. We gave her a huge bean bag.. haha.. but today was great. one of the best days i have had in a long time.

outward tears can be wiped away, but silent ones scar forever. I know that too. BUt for now, please let me be and let me stay silent. But words are words; I never did hear/ That the bruised heart was pieced through the ear

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one.
Maybe.

how do we conduct ourselves and pride ourselves on no regrets? what kind of steps and actions can we take to determine what would constitute as a happy life? when situations and circumstances and eventuals all do not contrast with feelings and ur emotions seem to swirl and thoughts are so confusing.. what does one do? In the bigger scheme of the the universe, what we can do is limited. our thought life has a tendency to reflect our real life... note.. OUR.. equivalent to own individual.. therefore we cant control what other people think or feel. so what can we do?how to u know what to decide if ur choice does not only affect you? decisions decisions.. somebody help me out here..

anyway, reflections aside.. went to watch hollywood homicide today. erm.. it was.. to be polite.. i'm sure the directors and producers and actors all put in their fair share of effort. ahah ok. well to those who like josh hartnett the show is worth it.

Love is not about ' I wish you were.... ' but 'I'm thankful you are...'

i would like to say a big thankyou to michele for helping me with this blog.. would like all to note that this lazy jem just sat back and watched the construction of the blog without lifting a finger but erm.. you know.. i'm not exactly it savvy.. but seriously mich once again thanks for the effort u put in.. u always seem to do so many things for me! but i appreciate it. :)

well.. what else can i say.. my first ever blog.. well.seeing tt the owner of this blog is an interesting person (as quoted from ahem.. pple).. ha hopefully this will go hand in hand with the owner huh.. hah ok tt was so narcissistic...
anyway.. remember to tag my blog ok!?

hi jem, hope you like the blog i created for you. haha. erm. i hope this whole thing isn't too girl for you. oh well. i'll drop by every now and then and type in your blog. haha. have fun. :)

(mich)

hi i'm jem.