watch this space for pictures of tonight's halloween party at zouk, with guests of honour jem goh.

hehehehe.

hey it's my first halloween party you know!

gwen and i were running all over spore yesterday trying to find out costumes. ok not running more of cabbing and not spore just town and holland and dhoby ghaut.

anyway, im going as the masked crusader ala zorro. whahaha. sort of anyway. got a mask, hat and cape. and some toy fencing sword which came with the mask. wanted to rent the whole costume but oh well they ran out. i wonder how many zorros there will be tongiht.

we saw many weird characters at the costume shop! one thing im really looking forward to tonight is to see the costumes. shall go take pictures with them.

anyway, at toys r us.....

hey jem!
i turn around, talking halfway, and AHHHHH!
i see a stupid monster staring at me.

my heart skipped a beat.grrrrrr stupid gwen.

you see? if gwen can scare me successfully in a toy shop with one stupid mask, i wonder how it'll be tongiht. i told gwen i hope i dont cry. heh. what a wuss.

hey im zorro. nothing scares me man.

;p

just returned home from church, the session of miracle healing.

felt a little ashamed because this morning i was sulking away because i was reluctant to go -chose sleep over worship.
sheepish.

anyhow, i needed that spiritual uplifting. needed to be stirred from that half awaken stupour that i had sunken in.
and now im definitely jerked awake!

many went up to receive the compassion of christ today, due to emotional and physical problems or whatever other personal turbulence they were facing. it's been some time since i was surrounded by so much anguish, i almost wanted to cry myself. the desperation on some of their faces were so evident, the anguish in their cry for help....

some shivered, some were slain. others just wept quietly, others teared in silence. different body languages, different composures, all united in one aim - they needed His reassurance.

makes you wonder what drives people to such a state where they are completely helpless and the burden of loneliness they undertake.

all the whatever shit that's been going through my own mind recently vanished in that instant i set my eyes upon them. as wrong as this may turn out, sometimes you need a comparison to show you that your weight of your own problems are feathers compared to the tons of bricks these people have on their shoulders.

you learn to become a little more unselfish all over again.

can i admit something?
during the service, i found myself caught in the debate of the strength of the mind vs the existence of God. willpower vs divine intervention.

because i always wondered, do the cripple start to walk again because they believe that they will? or was he given God's embrace?

then i remembered this verse. cant remember its exact words but it was something like 'ask and it shall be given but you must believe and work for it too'
something like that anyway.

and it dawned on me that hey sailor, pray to god but row for the shore.

ive always loved that. shows that if you want something, He'll give it to you but you must have faith. so in answer to my question, i guess it's a balance of both.

so faith can waver, and your will can dampen.

but it's ok. it happens. we all have our spiritually down times.

try this. every night before you sleep, take the time to count your blessing. thank Him for your family, your friends, and most importantly, the gift of life He has given to you.
unburden to Him all your daily troubles and have a fruitful sleep.

because you're not alone. you're really not enough.

we're God's children. you're His kid. did you forget that?

i shall go as a masked crusader. sweep everyone off their feet.

go as witch la. you carry broomstick, also can sweep everyone off their feet.

......................

knnbccb. what a spoiler right?
haha but i thought my friend was so funny la.

anyway, i'll be going for zouk's halloween night! initially wasnt that hyped up at first but suddenly it became more and more exciting.

apparently if you go as something scary your entry will be waivered. but erm.. nah. i scare easily. shit just realised there'll be plenty of scary ghosts on monday. shit~! i'm really afraid of these kinda things you know!

anyway, JASMINE! go la go la! you go as princess jasmine and i'll go as aladdin. ok? deal? hahaha

caught the legend of zorro yesterday and it was so exciting!
maybe i shld tk up fencing or something.

p.e.a.c.e.

how wonderful that word sounds. and funny how reading a simple email can make me think... hey i think i kinda just found it.

headed down to nus to support zen's play. she acted as a spoilt and peevish girl.. (psst.. it was so zen!) anyway nice job babe. and yes i miss you too it's been ages since i saw you.. and we couldnt talk properly today.. :S call me when you see this ok?


jem, joey and kim


picnic(?)


finally a picture where zen and jem looks good together and this one is f-ing fantastic!
right right zen?


awww.....


the fans around the star. haha
kim, jem, amanda, joey and zen the star ;p
but ok la zen looked really hot today. *slurps* ;)


the happy bros!


one more!

let's bare our souls.
or rather, let me bear mine ok?

when we first broke up, the voltage of anger surges through me honestly scared the hell out of me. everyday, i had to fight to keep myself in hand, battle to keep it under control, because i never knew i could be capable of such anger.
i was bitter, resentful, and whatever vocabulary you can get from the thesaurus.
someone also thought i didnt have a right to cry, because i broke up with you anyway.

see how wronged i was?

and yes, i blamed it all on you. i pointed every gawd damn finger at you.

i harboured this for a long time. i was emotionally exhausted, i didnt want to see anyone, didnt want to meet anyone because all the spoke about was you. i didnt want to pick up calls, dreaded to read messages in case it concerned you.

then there was that guilt trip. because i didnt know how to be there for you when you needed me.

and then there was that anger all over again because you forced me to a point where i didnt know anything anymore.

and now, im just sad.

sad that even after a break up, we still seem to be staring daggers at each other. so full of hatred, where love once was.
how did things reach this stage?

yes i still think about you, not thing we used to do, but just you. and those times i have to look up and will the tears not to fall. and then, that makes me angry. you know me, you know how im like. i just dont want to go through any of that emotional stuff. im not used to it and im not planning to get used to it.

i try not to think about you with someone else. but i guess i resigned myself to the fact that you will find someone else more compatible. we both will.

you are irreplaceable to me. i thought you would know that. ive never loved anyone else the way i love you. remember some things dont change? we may move on, love someone else but we'll never forget this right?

now, im just sad. plain sad. maybe im too tired to be angry anymore. but yes it makes me fucking miserable to know that you hold untrue thoughts about me or whatever else without asking me or whatever. so you're bitter. but is it fair? dont i have a right anymore? did i forgo that right and respect when i gave it up?
i want us to reach a mutual understanding, a simple agreement of 'hey we loved each other, we always will but it just couldnt work out.'
that's all.
no more talking about lies or illusions or how you were blind and never saw things coming or whatever.

we love each other. cant we let all the bad stuff go?

please. no more fights ok?

yes, i know we've already broken up. hell you dont have to tell me that.

and yes, whatever we do is none of mine or your gawd damn business.

but when you read an entry, it gets to you. because it is obviously for a loved one. ok am i benig presumptous here by assuming it's for me? maybe. but you know what? i dont care.

i mean, read it ok? just read it.
just read what you wrote.

of course im angry. because it isnt fair. you owe me the right to hear straight out from your mouth about anything and everything concerning me or us.
yes you owe me.
after what we've been through, those words dont do justice to me. no point explaining you may say? bloody hell i dont need to explain anything but i want to know what on earth is going through your head.

none of my business? screw it, screw you.

if it wasnt meant for me, then fine, it's for the loved one after me then. or before me, or during me. whatever. but yes i think you owe it to me to tell me who it's meant for then.

because you cant deny how it sounds.

so why not come clean and admit it?

dont fucking play with me.

and dont ever fucking lie to me.

i thought i taught you the importance of communication.
how quickly you seem to forget.

fucking shit the anger just came back all over again. you know that?
because even at this point of time, i dont understand why you do the things you do and i dont understand why i cant get through to you and i dont know understand why you still get to me.

f.u.c.k.

ok sorry for the last feeling-sorry-for-myself post. im okay now! you know why? look below!

i keep uploading pics these days. it's my turn to be a photo whore. :S

the coke ambassador


the erm.. dont know what to say




the so-cute!;p






the look-who-we-ran-into-and-forced-to-come-with-us


the cool








the best!

my heart bleeds for you like how it will never bleed for anyone else.

how and why did things end up like that?

everything happens for a reason. *takes a deep breath* and unfortunately we are the epitomy of 'never meant to be'. cheesy? maybe. the truth? heartbreakingly definite.

i miss her.
i didnt remember us, neither did i reminise.
it just hit like a ton of bricks. and hurt with the same magnitude.

i have times of emptiness, the places where she used to fill. i have broken pieces, the ones that she has broken.

it's not like i havent moved on. i have. i carry on with life and i'm happy and contented.

it's just that i never loved anyone the way i love her. and i just feel down at times, that's all.
im entitled to that right?

the anger has finally subsided, only to be replaced by immeasurable sadness.
i dont know which is worse.

Princess, Aladdin, and.... Abu? hehehe kidding!!!! Jas, Jem and Ange!


oohhh....porn potential. ;p


jas's hand position is so strategic!!


jo! u pervert! why you never wait for me! ahahaha


the big boss and the 2 PAs. action on the table...


charlie and his angels? nah.. Anil and his 3 devils and 1 angel. (the one on the far left. do you all see my halo? if you cant it's ok cause only fellow angels can see it. hehehehe)


mafia and his gang


ahem.

song recommendation of the day.

until i get over you- christina milian

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I'm with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain, every time I hear your name

The sun won't shine since you went away
Seems like the rain's falling every day
There's just one heart, where there once was two
But that's the way it's gotta be, 'til I get over you

Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can't escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say that time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

When will this river of tears stop fallin'
Where can I run so I won't feel alone
Can't walk away when the pain keeps callin'
I've just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go

------------------------------------------------------------------------
i tried to allow certain thoughts lately, not a confrontation but more of opening up to let them enter, and i realised that it's still way to difficult to handle.

maybe that's the trouble with me. i never really let go. i just carry on walking, stacking more things above my load, so that the previous stuff are just left underneath all the new.

i never threw them away, nor set them down. i just piled more and more things over.

and when i try to reach for the old, i find that it's too hard, because they're buried underneath. yet sitting down to sift through and pack is too much of a chore because it has reached a point where it'll invoke too many memories which i aint sure i can handle.

how did i let things reach such a stage? i dont know.

yup, in a quiet moment, thoughts abt her kinda wandered into my head, and i didnt push them away. not agressively anyway. but maybe i did it subconsciously, because after a while, they disappeared....

yet it still hurt.

see? what's the point?

arent you thankful that we have people around us to lend us a shoulder for our burdens?
if we carry our loads by ourselves, it'll be backbreaking work.

the only thing we need to learn is how to hand it over.

so we all know that storms are a daily, almost integral part of our lives, and to weather it through doesnt always depend on how expertly we handle our ship.
you may be the captain, but without your crew, you're gonna go down too.

Extract
He's had 10 cancer operations in 8 years. He's been at death's door three times. When you talk to him, you come away almost disbelieving that he's carrying this pain. He's positive, he's generous, he's joyful, he's encouraging.
John made a simple but heart-rendering statement to me. He said, "Ron, you don't handle it well when you try to handle it without a Savior." And that's the difference - the Savior difference, the Jesus difference.

came across this website by chance. not about to do agressive or active evangelising here, but you know, how true that sentence reigns. if we dont learn how to entrust to Him our ups and downs, the fulfillment, i believe, will be different.

i know many have questioned before, the famous questions of 'if He is so great, why not make all the problems disppear?" as well as " if He already decided your life plan, why bother?"

sigh. you men of little faith and so much doubt.

ok so i dont have a substantial answer to that.

i just feel that it's not up to us to question Him. it's not our right to. that's why it's called faith you know.

and besides, we're always so quick to point out the bad, how come you questioning people never stopped to thank Him for the good?

anyway, as far as i am concerned, without Him, i wouldnt have a lot of things in my life that i have now.

a little random here, but it's always been a dream of mine to have a pet tiger!


and also to ride a bike. sigh. unfortunately i dont have a licence and this is val's bike.


some of my lovely ladies! dele, mau and gwen. and me. :)

met up with the vips for dinner at coffee club just now. enlightening session. :) missed you ladies so much. we'll do it more soon! esp when maumau comes home. maumau! we were thinking of you the whole time and everyone was soooo happy when you called! you called at the very exact moment we were bitching....oops.. i meant.. talking abt u. heh. :D just kidding maumau you know we all love you!

anyway to my bestest louey, you're the best! (haha does that sound lame?)
pls know that i care very much for you, no vocab can ever be sufficient to describe its extent. i love you... you hear me?? I LOVE YOU!

ahem. let's not get overly mushy huh?

anyway yun put up the pictures ok? esp the one of oh so cute me with my oh so cute dimple.
;p did i just say that out loud?

not shy.

off to work in a few hours time.
why arent i in bed?

i wonder why.

duey's been extra affectionate lately.

i wonder why.

and my brother bought me a pair of roxy berms! very very nice.
he knows my size.

i wonder how.

and he bought it for no reason. just said he saw it and thought of me.
so sweet right?
my bro is usually so stone and dour. (heh) and we rarely talk.
but once in a while he springs this kinda surprise on me.

i wonder why.

and why you take my cigaretttttteeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssss?

i wonder why. :S

ok jem shut up and sleep.

pooja, ange, and jem


mr anil and jem (tt's my fav lecturer!he's the only reason why i'll go to school and why i passed)


piercing in action


louey and jem! best buds, best tongues. :)


ahem.

the trouble with sentence structure is you can phrase it till it sounds ambiguous.
great for secrecy, but frustrating for others.

i settle down and let the words sink in, and suddenly it doesnt not make sense anymore. it's obvious.
and i have to fight that anger all over again. because i know that if i were doing the same thing, your reaction would have been by far greater than mine.

life sucks?
hell, not only that it's unfair too but yes yes dont we all know that already?

i wonder when the time will come when i will look upon the memory and smile, instead of trying to confront it, only to turn away each time i do.

but well, time is always on my side.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
we've always been taught to share.
but how do you share someone?
ultimately, selfishness is bound to take over.

i'm not that generous.

everyone is unique, each with their own differences and personality and methods of handling things.
chemistry is not the only thing that a relationship needs.

neither is it about compromise.

it's simply whether the 2 different people clash, or 2 different adapt.

it doesnt matter the extent of difference or similiarity.
it's just merely, this or that.

yup... this or that..

currently in love with this song.

love is on the way

Lonely sidewalks, silent night
Bring the evening, deep inside
Hold me darlin, touch me now
Let the feeling, free tonight

Love is on the way
I can see it in your eyes
Let's give it one more try tonight, baby,
Love is on the way
I can see it in your eyes,
Let's give it one more try tonight

Time of season, wipes the tears
No rhyme or reason, no more fears
All the dreaming, far behind
You are here now, everything's alright

And in the morning I'll be gone away
All the things I left behind
If you need me I'll come night or day
Lets stop the hands of time

you know, i never once assumed anything about you, or us.
sad to know that right up to the end, you still harbour insecurity thoughts.

ive been waving the white flag for sometime now. it's too tiring to keep up with those wars raging inside. just that if you let go because you feel exhausted, it isnt really letting it go at all.

detachment, lean on no one and fall not.
goodness knows how long ive been living by this.

isnt breakups just a whole cycle?

you meet someone, (be it old or new) you fall in love, the fights step in, ultimately break up.

the similiar weariness, the exact wariness.

why experience deja vu all over again?

i wonder.

why do 2 people fall in love?
must there be a reason for everything?

sigh.

knnbccb.

this is mr vignesh- he retired last week. :(


this is jasmine the princess. and yours truly doubles up as aladdin.


all of us.


the love of my life. im obsessed. so shoot me.

you know where the problem lies in?
it lies in my non-refusal to stop playing with my tongue stud. i persist in rolling it over my teeth and irritating the people around me. heh.

today, my tongue stud came out again! thank goodness i didnt swallow it.

i drooled all over my friend's hand while she fastened it back for me.

*sheepish*

received a really sweet email from gwen today. it was one of those reminders we constantly need every now and then.

it's still a rollercoaster ride, but the angles aint so steep anymore, heart doesnt plummet that far anymore.

-sings-
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day
I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away, oh to find a better day I'm walking away ..

see? this always works best for me.

the other night, whilst i was having supper, i swallowed my tongue stud.

:S

:S

yeah.. dont ask me how i did it.. but i did. ha.

so there i was absolutely convinced that my hole would close cause i had work the next day and didnt manage to get a new one.

friend purchased one for me but i couldnt pick it up till after work.

i was without a stud for almost 24 hours!

but miracle of miracles!

it didnt close.

yay.

:)

for all my shit and philandering ways, for a little while there i never dismissed the idea of sharing a future with someone without feeling its absurdity and the shrewdness which i viewed this romantised idea.

for a little while there, soul mates seemed real enough.

loss and grieving came all too soon for you, all too sudden, but when you put your head down, the shoulder wasnt there anymore. so the timing was a fucked up coincidence, or may we call it the intertwinings of fate.

guilt ate me up, the same way your burden brought you to your knees.
responsibility, self rebuke, self chastising, the whole damn world came crashing down on me.

i was bitter, i dont deny that. because everyone only saw your tears. everyone only knew that you were going through a tough time.

yet i could not find it in me to blame anyone. because i blame myself. because who am i to need someone, to rally support, to be there for me?

perhaps maybe i felt i didnt have the right to.
perhaps i felt maybe that's cause your loss seemed by far greater than mine.
perhaps.

but do you know why i am so angry? right up till today? because i could have been around, i could have been there. i could have been there to wipe your tears while you wept, to hold you to sleep, anything and everything you wanted.

but you took all that away from me.

did you know that?

it was easy for others to say i can put aside my feelings. honestly, i dont think i am selfish. but it would have been a wrong thing to do. because it wldnt be the same. you understand me better than most people. you know why i couldnt be there for you. you wouldnt have wanted it too. do you understand? i need you to tell me you do.

do you know what how it feels to have someone taken away from you?

i felt it once, due to natural consequences. out of my control.
and now i feel it again.

do you know how it feels to have something felt right get taken away and you couldnt do anything about it because again it was mostly out of your control.

is that a dumb reason? i dont know. because all i know is that im angry. and i dont know why or what anymore.
and it scares me, this anger. because it is far deeper than any temper i have ever lost on you, even a far cry from that one fateful time i lost it with you.

and you know why it's deeper?
because it's fucking filled with pain.

do you know how it feels like to go through a persistent internal struggle to find.. i dont know.. peace?

anything which reminds me of you, my heart has to turn away to hide the tears cause i'd never show it on my face. every single time your name is mentioned, i wince, and man... it hurts. it hurts like shit, like hell, like fuck and every other explicit language you can think of.

you're a very special girl. we're just not meant for each other. i think we just learnt that lesson the hard way. even though i blamed you, i know that a part of you blames me too and i deserve it too.
but you know, like i always said and try to live to, it's not about faults.
it's just the way things are.
who's to say what went wrong?

you know how im like. yes i move away from things because all i need to do is frown and it'll vanish. yes i know one day it may catch up with me in snippets but i guess im just used to that form of dealing.
maybe i just disallow to appear weak because i think i am superman and the whole world depends on me.

and you know what the funny thing is? i actually kinda mean that. not literally, but to an extent.

i'm a little confused and concussed right now, because sometimes i think about you. but then when that happens i wage a war in my head. and you know? it's really exhausting. i want to give up the fight.

but again, i dont know how.

i will always love you. as you said, there are certain things, which you just know.

it's important to me that you know this too.

enough is enough.
let it go jem.

i have many people to thank for last night.

thank you to you, for listening.
thank you to you, for your support.
thank you to you, for coming all the way down.
thank you to you, for your late night reassurances.

i hope you guys know who you are.

though at this point i feel so sheepish i dont think i can face you guys!
as quoted, 'really throw face man'

:S

one of my lecturers had his last day today. :(
he was the rock of the school.

oh well.

--------------------------------------------------------
because of you, i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you, i learnt to play on the safe side so i dont get hurt
because of you, i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you, i am afraid.

it has succumbed to a quiet desperation for the need to be understood.
give me an explanation for me doing the things i do, and the thoughts that i think.

i feel like im in the middle of a cross junction, and each road looks long and winding.

and lonely.

i realise ultimately the only person you can depend on is yourself. when you're all messed up, the ironing is all up to you.
even when you cant comprehend yourself, it doesnt matter.

this is probably one of the rare times in my life when i'm actually in severe danger of ... for the life of me i dont know what.

sigh. i just dont know how to vocalise my ponderings anymore.

feel like ive been caught in a hurricane.

how is it ever possible to feel so many different emotions all at the same gawd damn time?
thank goodness for those moments of happiness and sanity.
thank goodness for friends who still love me. ( i love you yun!)

please dont mention or talk about it anymore. i cant run away if everyone keeps pulling me back.
let me fly ok?

even if i dont know the reasons myself, they are there.

im so overwhelmed by guilt i think it may almost consume me.

i feel the urges to apologise, even those sheer common sense prevents me from doing so and upon rationalising it, i realise that those senses are right.

it's not your fault. that's what i shall recite to myself each time i feel overcome.

but im still sorry.

sometimes i think my body, my mind and my heart are 3 separation of powers, bonded and binded at times but never a fusing.

we have always been taught to follow our dreams and our heart and let love lead the way.
doesnt that sound beautiful?
so why doesnt Man just follow that motto and live happily ever after?
because things can be that simple if you allow it to be.

but here's where complications nudge in. in the sly forms of wandering thoughts, tainted emotions and all the other terrible things which emerge that make life a little harder to get by.
maybe it's just innate in Man to make things more difficult.
maybe it's just a subconcious for a sadistic yearning for that bit of black humour in his life.

but probably it's because with love, it can never really be that pure all the time.

my blog seems to be my only outlet, and even so i find myself aware of restricting its portrayal, that i want to mosiac the truth, because maybe sometimes its repercussions aint just what i need at that moment. how can you truly be honest? some amount of tact and fear has to exist right?

but i cant also keep everything in me.

sigh.

do you know why i am such a major fan of detachment? i practically put it on a pedastal.
because when i allow my train of thoughts to head to a certain direction, i know that train will simply run faster and more erractic, and inevitably head for a crash. yet sometimes i dont think the driver of my brain train is me.

so here's where my mind steps in forcefully to get rid of that train. of course it cant make it vanish, but it makes things invisible. so that even though i am aware is is there, i cant see it. and pretending to be visibly impaired isnt always a bad thing.

when i was young, i brought myself up in a background where i look out for people. my protective instincts have been nurtured to such a large degree that others looking out for me would somehow.. i dont know hinder me or something. do i sound weird? i mean of course i want people to care and stuff but it's not a necessity. not anymore.

maybe i blame my circumstances that i turned out this way. then, there simply wasnt room or space for me to feel for myself. that's how i learnt detachment which developed into a fine art overtime.
things happen for a reason you know.

you know, it really sucks when you lose someone you love.
and it sucks even more because you know things didnt have to be that way.
it's not about faults i know, but yes, i admit i am pointing fingers.
though at the end of the day, i berate myself, and remind myself that to make a clap, it takes two hands, but to make a clap of thunder, you need two hearts.

i cant put an exact point to where it went wrong exactly. there seems to be a hundred reasons, a thousand excuses yet a millions questions.
all i can do is simply shrug and say it ran its course.
i loved it, i love it, i loved her, i love her.

you might ask me why not rectify the situtaion, and i might ask myself the same question.
but it's the same, i have no answer.

as i said, it simply ran its course.

am i a bastard?
am i a jerk?

yes, maybe some fervent noddings to that. but i vehemently shake my head.

i made mistakes, some terrible ones.
i had weak points, weak moments.
but i tried.
not enough?
i tried my best.

yes, actually it tore me up inside. in fact, it still is in the process of tearing. everything's all messed up inside, everything's a whirl, a whole bloody vortex of emotions.
sometimes the need to shed a tear is countered by the grit of teeth.
sometimes the temptation to reminise is countered by sheer willpower because im not ready.

it even hurts when someone simply mentions her name.
and even that hurt is countered by the air of detachment i always carry around.

can i get any more raw?

look at me. do you all see any hint, any sign? no you dont.
sometimes i wish you all could, yet other times i'm grateful and tremendously thankful you cant. because i'd hate for anyone to see through me, to break me down, or make me break down. im just like that. im just me.

im almost desperate for all to understand, because maybe if you can, you can explain me, to me.

we found out that gen has a secret ambition to be a flasher.
louey feigns shock, even though her heart was bursting with adrenaline! heh~
(she told me in secret after)
gen! louey's got the hots for your bod!


joeybro and i. looking a bit off in specs but oh so cool otherwise. ;)


when jem's hair was much shorter and mau's hair was much longer.
MY vips! though some are missing.
anyawy this was like... 3 years ago?
nostalgia....

do you feel?

i am human. of course i have feelings.

i have the same range of feelings all of you have.

i know how to get angry.
i know how to fall in love.
i know to care.
i know what bitterness is.
i know how angst feels like.

i know everything.

sadness?

yes of course i know what sadness is. i feel sad too you know.

so why not cry? let it out?

what for?

to feel better.

but im okay.

you can be better.

dont need to be.

you gonna go through the rest of your life like that?

nurtured since i was young.

you need someone to look out for you.

i look out for people, not the other way round.

why?

why not?

is it that difficult to get through to you?

no of course not.

then why are you so defensive?

nature.

when you get angry you lose your temper. when you are happy you smile.
so what's the difference between sadness and the other feelings?

oh.

it's just that for sadness, i just forgot how to react.

is that very hard to understand?

yes i think so.

i think so too.

exciting life.

1. went to far east with bestest yun for her to do her waxing and for me to extend and touch up my tattoo.
and i think we're both pleased with our results.

I THINK MY TATTOO IS DAMN NICE! haha. erm oops.

i would put a picture of it up but then it's not exactly in a very appropriate position so let's leave that.

2. met cher in the evening and did 2 piercings at the top of my ears cause i saw this really lovely loop diamond earrings with my mum the other day and i want the ear holes to wear it but i dont think i can carry off wearing it at the bottom. too feminine for me somehow.

3. THEN, the two of us decided to do a really crazy thing and thus pierced our tongues. all cher's fault la. haha :)
there's this saying that piercing of the tongue is not painful. i am here to dispel that myth.
I NEARLY FAINTED/CRIED/BLACKED OUT/ SCREAMED and everything else.
*glares at everyone who told me that piercing tongue is not remotely painful at all.*

i would rather withstand the pain of many many tattoos than withstand THAT pain.

apparently you're supposed to relax your tongue while they pierce. and apparently my tongue and the pierced had a tug of war.

but i love it.

:)

until this morning.

because i have sinus, each morning when i awake, there will be phlegm and mucus collected at the back of my throat so i have to gag or cough it out. and you know, with the tongue piercing, i cant spit. therefore i was unhappily drooling over the sink wondering why the hell i did that for.

then, i showered. and my tattooed hurt.

then, i brushed my hair and the brush got caught in the earrings.

*wallows in self pity*

though i cant really eat or speak, hey my motto is, you only get to be young once and i wouldnt want to have all these piercings when im old. so do it when you have the opportunity man!

and i love them all once again.

seems to me that some people let anxiety take over their lives.
it's fine to analyze and think about certain situations or issues, but you gotta be firm with yourself at the end of the day, and not let your thoughts run away with you.

you control your state of mind not the other way round, through sheer willpower and faith.

that's how othello met his downfall remember? iago successfully played with his mind and he fell into his trap nice and easy.
and jealousy is really a monster that can eat away at you.

but look, the ending concluded with everyone getting hurt.

isnt there an important lesson to be learnt there?

it's not essential to know what you want in life, because pondering over that can lead to personal conflicts that are difficult to resolve.
but you have to be certain about certain aspects, about particular directions you may be heading.

you might choose this road for example, with all the determination of crossing the big boulders. but we tend to forget about the little cruel pebbles too.
or what about those who stand at the side coaxing you to somewhere else.
do you really have the strength to fight all that?

there are moments where we 'll tend to fall into the abyss of self depletion. you begin to wonder where you can search for hope when it feels like there's nothing else left to give?

well, maybe some of us look to hard. and maybe we're all chasing after the wrong things.
there are definitely times where we want a certain possession of something, thinking it may fulfill a need in you whether materialistically or otherwise, only to gain it and realise that it served only temporary purpose, and it let you down? your bubble bursts.

but that's what many of us seem to be doing. we're chasing bubbles.
and we get soaked in its aftermath.

so what happens next?

well, personally i turn to prayer. and let its soothing and calming effects take hold.
it's simply to put things into perspective, no burden is too heavy if you learn how to let go of baggage.

have you forgotton the power of prayer?

ok contrary to what i said on my tagboard, i managed to post. (duh jem obviously!)
yet i dont know how to explain it, my 'create post' page still looks distorted and weird!

bro took my com to play his games cause his labtop had a problem, only to realise that my com had so many viruses. (i bet it all came from the auto download of porn! grr) so instead of playing, he had to fix my com up for me. ;p

anyway, just a little warning here, this entry is going to be .. like that. cause i'm just recollecting what's been going on the last few days.
expect rambles. or mere words.

singapore recreation club's swimming pool is super duper nice!

met audrey ralphie on wed on my birthday! was so excited! ive known her for almost 3 years (doesnt time fly by) and i have never gone out with her before due to certain circumstances then. anyway, i went to her house! GRINZ. only to be met by a super fierce dog. but your milo was delicious dude.
headed to siglap's pizza hut for lunch where she called me a klutz cause i spilled a few drops of soup on the counter and the next minute all her soup was everywhere. see! whaha ure right buddy i am protected. ;p ;p

and thanks kellyn... ;) owe you one.

ps: audrey! pls ride safely! dont speed! and change lane properly! dangerous you know! hehe but ok la i feel safe with you

had a meeting in school on thurs morning at 10am. come on!! 10 am! and it turned out to be totally unsubstantial. but jo pooja jas cher and i had a road trip in singapore. haha
we went to the museum to see the vatican city artefacts and it was such a different experience!

you guys remember st francis xavier?
his body is one of 300 people who is resistance to decay! the other 299 people are all saints and matyred people too. wow! so cool right.
his body still rests in gower, india.

and st helena, (constantine the king's mother) had a calling to find the 3 crosses (jesus and the 2 thieves) and she found them! the exact ones!

cool.

information courtesy of mrs chong my piano teacher whom coincidentally i ran into there too.

picked harnie from school after that to have dinner at tiong bahru so i cld drive cheryl home and then drive jo home after that because she wasnt feeling too well.

then,

drove back to school with only jas and pooja. from a car pool of 6!

then,
drove to pick zen.

then,
drove to holland v for supper with joeybro and ah zi.

then,
drove home.

basically i was driving the whole day. fatigue..

i miss playing basketball. ok so that was reallly random but i miss it like you wldnt believe.
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ever gone through phases where sometimes you're just so exhausted that you're immune from everything around you? you just automatically and subconsciously detach yourself and you live in another realm. your own fantasy world where there is such a thing as perfection.

i wonder why we cant keep ourselves in check at times. we always seem to be yearning for that extra contentment or just simply greedy for more.
is it really because we are not satisfied with our lives?
yet, there doesnt seem to be anything unsatisfactory.
it only seems screwed up when you read into the intricate details, which matter to you but shldnt.

cant we all give ourselves a break?

as far as im concerned, life can get better, but maybe we should stop thinking about going further. of course im not talking about career choices here.

speaking about career choices, ok actually more of job, but i was thinking of working at a pub. not club mind you i'll never work there. but just a simple non sleazy pub. need the higher than average pay man.

but....

dilemma.

ok i did warn you about this entry.