for all my shit and philandering ways, for a little while there i never dismissed the idea of sharing a future with someone without feeling its absurdity and the shrewdness which i viewed this romantised idea.

for a little while there, soul mates seemed real enough.

loss and grieving came all too soon for you, all too sudden, but when you put your head down, the shoulder wasnt there anymore. so the timing was a fucked up coincidence, or may we call it the intertwinings of fate.

guilt ate me up, the same way your burden brought you to your knees.
responsibility, self rebuke, self chastising, the whole damn world came crashing down on me.

i was bitter, i dont deny that. because everyone only saw your tears. everyone only knew that you were going through a tough time.

yet i could not find it in me to blame anyone. because i blame myself. because who am i to need someone, to rally support, to be there for me?

perhaps maybe i felt i didnt have the right to.
perhaps i felt maybe that's cause your loss seemed by far greater than mine.
perhaps.

but do you know why i am so angry? right up till today? because i could have been around, i could have been there. i could have been there to wipe your tears while you wept, to hold you to sleep, anything and everything you wanted.

but you took all that away from me.

did you know that?

it was easy for others to say i can put aside my feelings. honestly, i dont think i am selfish. but it would have been a wrong thing to do. because it wldnt be the same. you understand me better than most people. you know why i couldnt be there for you. you wouldnt have wanted it too. do you understand? i need you to tell me you do.

do you know what how it feels to have someone taken away from you?

i felt it once, due to natural consequences. out of my control.
and now i feel it again.

do you know how it feels to have something felt right get taken away and you couldnt do anything about it because again it was mostly out of your control.

is that a dumb reason? i dont know. because all i know is that im angry. and i dont know why or what anymore.
and it scares me, this anger. because it is far deeper than any temper i have ever lost on you, even a far cry from that one fateful time i lost it with you.

and you know why it's deeper?
because it's fucking filled with pain.

do you know how it feels like to go through a persistent internal struggle to find.. i dont know.. peace?

anything which reminds me of you, my heart has to turn away to hide the tears cause i'd never show it on my face. every single time your name is mentioned, i wince, and man... it hurts. it hurts like shit, like hell, like fuck and every other explicit language you can think of.

you're a very special girl. we're just not meant for each other. i think we just learnt that lesson the hard way. even though i blamed you, i know that a part of you blames me too and i deserve it too.
but you know, like i always said and try to live to, it's not about faults.
it's just the way things are.
who's to say what went wrong?

you know how im like. yes i move away from things because all i need to do is frown and it'll vanish. yes i know one day it may catch up with me in snippets but i guess im just used to that form of dealing.
maybe i just disallow to appear weak because i think i am superman and the whole world depends on me.

and you know what the funny thing is? i actually kinda mean that. not literally, but to an extent.

i'm a little confused and concussed right now, because sometimes i think about you. but then when that happens i wage a war in my head. and you know? it's really exhausting. i want to give up the fight.

but again, i dont know how.

i will always love you. as you said, there are certain things, which you just know.

it's important to me that you know this too.