f.a.t.i.g.u.e.

so many thoughts, too many thoughts, are threatening to overwhelm the emotional capacity allocated for this purpose. exhuastion is appropriate in every single sense.
if i were to open my mouth to speak, torrents of words, yet incoherent sentences will spill out, but will anyone listen?
there is no one, because even i have become a stranger to myself.
who can explain what makes up a human, and who can unravel the mysteries which lie within us?
we declare our cravings for simplicity, but ironically work against it. is this an innate sense of hunger for the other side, or has it been nurtured because we haev sown the seeds of danger ourselves. we are all gardeners perfecting our craft, but we spread this art not only in our own gardens, but we tread in others too.
we point fingers and wear crooked smiles, yet our grievances always matter more than others.
is this selfish streak more permanent than we give its due?
can changes occur as quickly as we want them too.? they say time is essence, but time is relative too.
is our world a complicated jigsaw puzzle with pieces impossible to fit? or do we just not have patience, is this impatience nature detriment to the good things which lie ahead.
our brashness, our brusqueness, ego and all other deadly sins masks and blinds us from all the goodness we were given but we did not receive.
we dont see the fault lying within us, and we just repeat this cycle.
pathetic? definitely.
but also heart wrenching.
the mind and the heart, factors of our very soul should be the forces which drive us. but like all forces, if channelled unwisely, ultimately lead to a downfall when it could have been a triumph.
so how do we counter attach and elimate our split persona or have we created alter egos of ourselves to make up for what is lacking in the person who we really are, to the extent that we lose ourselves and we dont know who we are anymore.
the unfamiliar face you look at, you dont realise that its your own.
the weird logic and warped way of thinking was specially moulded to fit our lifestyle. sometimes, we live a life without regret, is because it's easier to deal with the guilt.

the drizzle turned into rain, but rays of sunlight still shown through.
but it now escalates to a downpour.

i await my rainbow, my sunshine after the rain.

perhaps you have been learning all along, but sometimes, you grasp the lesson really quickly.
it just a dawning realisation of something you may have subconsciously knew all along, or a sudden slap of how wrong you are.

i guess i am not the same person anymore. none of us are. we all evolve, grow in more ways than ones. that's what we call change i suppose.

i thought there will be certain moments where time will be at a standstill, moments where you can take yourself back in time and none of it will ever change.
it is true.
but that's all it is, just memories.

i understood.

ive been so hard for so long, i almost forgot what it was like to be a softie.
i forgot about how difficult it can get, how emotional one becomes.
is it worth it? no way.

and now i understand.

i understand the difference the big difference between love and tenderness.
what i felt then, and what i felt now.

but somewhere in me, an iceberg melted.

with just a turn of thoughts, you can be transported to yesterdays. almost with a flash, some people seem to grow up before your eyes.
be thankful for your constants, because they are fixtures of permanence which comforts us in this era of changes.
some things and people grow in importance, others fade through time.
and some things just become so trivial.

sometimes you are drawn to the temptation to stoop low and be childish, and yet you know you've grown up a little when you realise that some things are really beneath you.
sense of pride? accomplishment?
wisdom really does come with experience.

and you know, you really cant compare certain situations. because the depth of feelings towards similar situations are always different.
no matter how many similarity boxes you tick, it can never be the same.
time, can be relative.

how mature we can be, how philosophical we are, with deep thoughts spewing out of our mouths like masters of the situation.
yet, despite the recited words, the distinction markings of sentences,
how ignorant we sometimes are.

*pauses to think*

this is totally random. and maybe it's mushy, overly romantic i dont know, and frankly i dont care.
all i know is, ive never met someone who makes me so happy, and someone whom i can be so real with.
someone whom i can laugh so hard with until my stomach hurts and i cry with laughter.
someone who truly will be there through ups and downs.

someone, so that when the question of 'how are you' is posed to me, my thoughts flicker to her immediately and i respond automatically but sincerely, 'life is good'

even in the midst of worries and shit, they can be shrugged off.

yea, life is great. because she's really my blessing.
im blessed that she loves me, even when i had nothing to offer.

i'm lucky.

i love you k!

they call it the circle of life but too many things in life arent the least bit circular at all.
circles never have beginning or an ending.
but our lives do.

when the door closes, it seems like you shut the light out together with it. no matter how many people tell you that the sun is still streaming in through the window, you fail to notice because you are too busy hiding under the duvet, being angry at the one who's pointing out all these to u.

and when you finally decide to pull the covers down and think that he was right all along, sometimes some irreversible damage has already been done.

how often we do not think or look ahead, but are so wrapped up in our own misery.

it is true, that there must be sadness, only then you can appreciate the good around you.

received some emails recently and one sentence leaped out. 'we had some good times yeah'
no it wasnt from an ex lover.

on the contrary, it was from a friend. not my friend per se, but a friend. complicated? a little.

anyway, it did set me thinking. certain things end with certain things.
when you sever ties with someone, sometimes you cut off contact with a whole lot of other things as well.
perhaps that is a sacrifice, perhaps it was just part of the game which we willingly played ourselves into.

some things are not meant to be. it's better to let go.
the hardest part is telling someone that.

how do u open your mouth to someone who harbours so much hope, that every onuce is depended on every alphabet that comes out of your mouth.

dont shoot the messenger. but the messenger feels bad too.

gwen jo and i had dinner together last evening, and we talked about.. old times. or rather lamented.
i have so much to say but unfortunately restrictions restrictions.

oh well.

all i can say is, i love k.

sometimes i wonder if i am morphing into someone else.
the manner in which i get appalled at others' mannerisms, the disgust i feel at certain lifestyles, and the terrible i get prejudicial just because a member of a certain race offended me, and the lordly manner in how i shoot people just because they provoked me.

wow i sound like a first class bitch.

maybe it's not that complicated. perhaps my tolerace level just went down.

and probably i dont understand all over again, why people do the things they do.
take things easy man!

and i have to remind myself too, that just because i dont agree, doesnt make them wrong or make me right.
not all the time anyway. *sniggers*

okok im learning.

anyway, to digress a little.

it's been about couple of weeks or so, and i have not blogged about work experience!
initially, i thought it was really complicated, and the responsibility pressure was enormous! but of course once we got used to the procedures, everything went smoother and i no longer think i am underpaid. hwahah

bosses and colleagues are easy to get along and of course i have my dear audrey and jo whose tables are just right next to mine.
at work, we have interesting discussions. hahah
and we talk about clothes.( how bimbotic.)
but im fortunate that they accompany me on my first real job because it just makes work so mcuh easier.

and not to forget gwennie!
come let me tell u a story. gwen sent me an email titled 'A MAN WITH A BIG COCK'
it was in caps and in bold no less.
now dont get excited, it' s just a man with a stupid huge rooster.

one day, my email ran into problems and seniors came to help me.
so they could see my mail la!!!! of course they didnt open it but just its title is big enough.
i almost wanted to open it and shout 'it's not what you think!!'

i went green in the face.

grrrr.
:D

it helps that jasmine is working nearby too. but unfortunately meeting for lunch is difficult cause of conflicting lunch schedules and the 3 of us usually eat in the office.

but here's one of us where we ate at golden shoe foodcourt and we swore it's the last because it's just so hot and sticky and jostling with the office crowd is no fun.


:)

im one day late, but i wanna wish K and I a happy no. 8!!
as she said, we have really gone through extreme ups and downs.
she makes me really happy. and im gonna keep her!

we went to watch the NDP preview , and very luckily got the seats right under the fireworks.
the experience was soo magical! we were so near that we were given clear umbrellas to open up in case it rained on us. haha
for pictures of that, go to k's blog!

i love u dar. :)

to think that pizza sort of brought us closer, and ironically, i dont even really like pizza.
:S

it's like a constant war begin waged. you battle with feelings that you are not supposed to feel, you suppress emotions, you resist temptations.
the battleground is set on steep hills, so that you are either trudging uphill valiantly, or rolling downhill hopeless.
for every two steps you climb, you slide down three. do the mathematics and you realise the peak is nowhere near.
but in the middle of it, sometimes you take time off to admire the scenary, or smell the flowers that have yet to be trampled on.
in the midst of chaos, you actually feel contentment. such is peace.

this is life and all its aspects aint it?
sometimes you have your ups, your downs, your neutrals.
they say you are one to decide which category your life falls in, but self is not strong enough sometimes.

you rely on others, on situations to determine it. when life is smooth sailing, you grin.
when life sucks you cry.
yes, they say that it all depends on how you view.
but certain moments, especially when you have dedicated your whole being to that, you experience the danger of losing control.

so what makes it worth it? that we are able to sacrifice, do away with shreds of diginity or ounces of pride?
why are we so smart at some things, yet a bloody fool in others.

it's about making choice.

maybe it's not the right one, or the best one.
but sometimes, that choice is what makes your life worthwhile.

sometimes you toy with the idea for a while, weighing the pros and cons. you think about how much you can benefit, at the price of many sacrifices.
one day, you begin to ask yourself, 'it this all worth it'
and there will come a day when you will answer 'no.'

who can say why and when it happens? it does not need a significant event, it could very well be a built up. or maybe it stems from nothing at all.
so many reasons, but ultimately they dont matter,
because when you want to go, whether they are reasons or excuses, your heart has already been set.

i have been at that job for almost 2 years. what started out as part-time fun began to take over as indisposable income. the reliance on this income was the main prevention of me going, the coaxing factor willing me to stay.

i wanted so badly to walk away, drop all responsibilities, and when i decided to end my contract come november, i had worries.

but they say money is not everything.
and yesterday, i learnt that lesson again.

being in that job, robbed me from any passion and interest i had for music. my students' grades went up, mine spiralled downhill.
i no longer viewed it as enjoyable, i looked upon the instrument with much distaste.
my piano, a newly bought german piano, was only instrumental in collecting dust.
i refused to practice, and it showed in my playing, my results.

when others tell me i play well, it is met with much disbelief and scepticism.

my art suffered because i turned it into a job which i no longer look forward to.

come november, i will celebrate. and the best part is, i can celebrate with a big big smile, on the outside and on the inside.