lessons in love and life.

death can hit anytime, even when you're on a holiday. death doesnt wait for an appropriate moment to strike, or cater its timing to your best schedule. death is defiant. and death doesnt care.

guilt can be so overwhelming, then its danger of controlling you is all too real. self preaching has to turn into much rebuke for one to awaken and not be consumed by its poison.
sometimes, it really isnt your fault.

a love so real can only be kept alive by sparks. once that fizzles out, you can relight it again. but there's only how many times you can do that. sometimes, the damage is irreversible.

2 people extremely wrong for each other and belonging to different worlds can actually make a right and find a common foothold with each other. and that's really very special.

a virgin holiday trip with close friends, is one of those memories you hold within forever. and each time its remembered, nothing can beat that genuine smile that emerges from you.

it's crucial to keep in mind that you're one of God's kid. we all have soldiers of our own cross, but He will never give you more weight than you can carry.

with every goodbye, there's a hello.
with every hello, there's a goodbye.
choose one.

may you all have a blessed year ahead.

you know ppl,

life is full of S-H-I-T.
damn well it is.

but sometimes, out of shit, you can actually produce something that's pretty worthwhile.

yea.. tt's the beauty of it all.

*pauses to think*

everyone has problems. it's just a matter of finding its location.
i guess everyone always wishes that they could swap problems.
and sometimes, it's good to remind ourselves that tons of people would fall on their knees and beg for our problems if only they can be released of theirs.
but that doesnt make your problem any less significant, because you aint supposd to weigh problems.
as long as they cause you grief, it becomes a problem.
it isnt about your right to feel.
it's about how you learn to carry on.

although a new year approaches, there are certain issues you have to carry forward with you. things which you fervently wish you can leave behind.

but a fresh start doesnt always mean everything is new.

it just means you begin with a zeal that's untainted.

and you know, this year IS gonna be better than the last.

amen!

merry christmas all you lovely people out there.

and let us not forget the significance of this day, and remember the fragility of relationships.
time to start treasuring life!

i dunno if you'll read this, but christmas is extra special this year simply because you are around. thank you for dt and that very lovely msg. i love you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY!

may you be blessed with spiritual growth, and find what you've always seeked and yearned for!
you're the best.

meet up real soon ok?

is pessimism my nemesis or is realism to my advantage?
i cant decide.

it's wonderful in a warped way how you hold tight and savour every moment with something when you are certain that one day it's going to be taken away from you.
because you have now taught yourself what cherishing is, yet you reaffirm to yourself how everything is ephemeral.
gives an addtional meaning to the term bittersweet.

it's like how you are walking along a road, with the end nowhere in sight, yet you know (whether you want to delude yourself or not) that the end exists.
so meanwhile, you stroll along and marvel at the sights, hand in hand with the person next to you, stopping for sweet kisses, hugs ets.

how hopelessly romantic.

yet deep down, it's unspoken that at the end, you 2 will go probably go separate ways.

how hopelessly cynical.

romantic cynicism. is there even such a thing? or is it just another irritating oxymoron.

knnbccb.

----------------------------------------------------------------
anyway, i miss my VIPs.

i dunno why.
but i get all warm and fuzzy when taxi drivers, or people in general, wish me merry christmas.
and i say merry christmas to you too.

it just feels like christmas when that happens.

try it!

they say every relationship you encounter changes you.
you grow with every new person that you meet.
how true that reigns.

i started looking inwards., and almost forced to be made aware of certain things.
and in that awareness, i started to understand what i never could ever for the life of me comprehend before.

i came to terms, and i learn acceptance and tolerance.

views change. reactions will change.

you can say im beginning to figure it out.

im growing up again.




sureen looks so happy here.

you know? the art to contentment is really about finding perfection in imperfect times.

i searched, and i think i found it.
life is good.

because of you, and everyone else in it. wow.

Follow Through
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mena?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I'm holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
(For) you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you'll have to follow through
With every word you say
An I, all I really want is you
(For) you to stick around
I'll see everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow
Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?


sometimes i wish, that when i look at her, my heart doesnt skip a beat.
sometimes i wish, that when she looks at me, i dont have to look away so she wont see the fear i feel so real that this may come to an end all too soon.

but always, when im with her, i wish time came to a standstill, because i never ever ever want to let her go......

it was a sudden realisation that im in too deep.... ive fallen. and this time, ive fallen hard.
i love her.
so much. too much.

must it always take an event to realise that you no longer love a person the way you used to?

or do you just wake up one day and in an instant know that everything has changed.

we always say that there will always be a special someone whom you remember for all time.
and the memories will never vanish and all that crap.

it's true.
but memories do fade, and some become unimportant. and the general feeling is different.

that's the word.
different.

you wonder if she has truly moved on.

i wonder.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
my piano teacher actually suggested i take an mc and skip my piano exam. yup.. that's how unprepared i am.

but i have decided to go for it and fail, and receive a slap on the face.
i think i need to wake up.

and maybe pray for a miracle.

good things come to those who wait.

even for impatient me.

:)

in spite of all the shit, today is a happy happy day...

fantasies are unlikely. but how beautiful they can be.

gaze into space and day dream about the eutopia which you can submerge yourself and surrender your whole being.
stretch your hand reach out out for it, put a foot forward and walk towards it.

only to remember that the oasis in front of you is but a mirage.

how many times must one remind oneself that delusions exist before we convince ourselves?

but dreams are the antidotes for life's poison.
they stir up hope in us, they make us remember that life isnt as bad as we make them out to be.
because we live, we look as oxygen as a drug, just to treasure every single breath.

but like all drugs, dont get an overdoes. you dont keep that balance, no one but yourself fucked it up.

so many thousand times, the sense of loss, displacement, and all of life's negative emotions threaten to overwhelm you. it leaves you listless, restless.... and nothing seems to be worth fighting anymore.

how can one be contented when you dont even know what makes you contented.

then it is the moment to take time off. seek peace, search for it.
within yourself, and the people around you.

think about how life would be different if one of your friends/family/aquaintance/imporatant figure/ lover/partner/ whatever did not exist.

that's a pretty scary thought, and you sober up pretty quickly.

learn to smile. after all, there is no substitute for a healthy smile.

life sucks. but it can be great too.

..........................
sigh.

dream a little dream.............

shirking responsibilities.

im just so darn good at it.

my piano exam is in 3 days.

god help me.

i just wanna hide under the blanket the whole entire day.

did i mention shirking responsibilities?

yup. ive finally figured out where the problem lies.

im just too busy feeling sorry for myself.

:(

do you know what it is to love somebody whom you know isnt right for you?
and you want so much to prove that love is about making the wrong person the perfect one.
do you know what it is to love somebody so much, that your heart aches yet smiles at the same time?
because you are starting to understand love is an oxymoron, and so full of ironies.

sigh.

love is shit.

do you know what it's like to feel invisible?

i dont know anything. and what's more, i dont ever want to know.

but why do i suddenly feel like the expert on all of the above?

knnbccb.

christmas is coming. let's spread the festive cheer and make it a good one for everyone yeah?

ive been trying to churn something out, but each time, i hit writer's block.
ive been typing, and deleting, trying different words, different angles to no avail.

are my thoughts so confounding that i cant even put it into words anymore?

apparently.

woe is me.

knnbccb.

oh.. and i ran into shiyun yesterday... (girls rem her?)

it's okay even if it's wrong, for the time spent with someone special is more valuable than anything else.

but what if someone got hurt in the process? what if love was at the expense of someone else?
everything has its price, and she paid your debts for you.

and then you begin to learn.

you learn that some of your actions, results in misery.
for every smile you created, you caused a tear to fall.

but you learn that we all live in different worlds, and hers is working out that way.
you learn that you are not responsible for her happiness.
and you also learn to live with the guilt.

*pauses*

you learn because...

how often can you lose yourself in a situation where the rest of the world dont matter, just for that little while?

yes.. it's simply.. live for the moment virtue.

even if it was a mistake, it's overrided.

by just that ache in your heart, and that look in each others' eyes.

even if it wasnt meant to last.

because maybe, just maybe, a miracle is out there.

and if it isnt, it's okay.

because you have understood one of the most important lessons of all.
you understood how to treasure every single minute you have in front of you, in case that person ever has to go away.
even the little things, you keep it close to you.

you understood that some things, though temporary, are more permanent than those which last forever.

you understood that tomorrow is not a gift given freely to everyone, and you cherish today as if tmr might never come.

and you understand that love can still be pure, even if it has been tainted by exterior circumstances.

we grow and understand more everyday. and i am no exception.
keeping my fingers crossed with you M.. for your J and for my.......
.................................
'tis a messy world we live in.

full of greatness, yet so full of shit.

ever had moments when you're gripped by the certainty of it all, or realisation smacks you hard, and you think you've finally woken up and come to terms with the truth...

only to sink back into deep sleep again.

it's a cycle. and i wonder why people put themselves through such motions.

just goes to show that even if though you think you stand tall, you're still down on your knees.

been talking to M recently.
seems like she's been in a bit of a predicament.

makes me wonder.
how do you walk away from something so wrong, when he makes you feel that all is perfect?

how do you turn your heart against someone whom you would willingly give everything to?

how can you hold on to someone who doesnt belong to you?

and as quoted ' how often do you meet somebody whom you think completes you?'

i dont know baby, i'm as clueless as you are.

w're all soldiers, and perhaps this is the cross to carry.

you always do this, everytime i get back on my feet...
you always know when to call...

oh yes, before i forget, crys i hope you read this but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

i tried to call you but i think i got a wrong australia number cause i cldnt get through at all!
when are you coming home??

people are strange .

sometimes when you get slapped in the face, you delude yourself by thinking it was a mere tender pat, and hell not only do you turn the other cheek, you do so with the most idiotic grin.

even when it's a vicious punch in the nose, you think its intention was still full on affection, so be it if it was a little too rough.

when truths are right in front of you, you may firmly state that you peered closely at it but cant see it, but in fact, all you did was to mess it up according to your own illusions to that it all becomes mosiac, and it's too hazy to be comprehended.

even when there are tingling doubts, you refuse to put a finger on them because you claim you dont know where their roots are, but it's only because you dont know how to extend your hand to point anymore.

and due to our insatiable appetites, we open our mouths begging to be fed, and even the crappiest food will taste like such 5 star culinary expert dish.

and when you're being taken for a ride, you're such a fool you just laugh and enjoy the ride.

................

my gawd, we all can seriously dream.

it amazes me, the way we can revolve situations till they are turned to our advantage.
my mouth hangs open at the extent at which we can delude ourselves till 'masking the truth' is more than an understatement.

i almost roar with laughter in ridicule.

yet, that laughter sounds so fake even to my own ears.
cant even fool myself for that.

because i know, at the end of the day, dreamers have nothing but their dreams to hold onto.
and dreamers, see what everyone else cannot.

fatal optimism?

it's called the threads of hope. the fragility of them cannot be seen. it's just a maybe, just maybe, if we dream hard enough, it may actually come true, admist all the scepticism, all the pessimists and cynics.

even if you're taken for a ride, ultimately, your patience and tolerance and utter stupidity actually pays off.

yes.. we all seriously know how to fantasize and dream.

even me.

the biggest dreamer in the world.

my head... hurts.

stupid hangover.