Empty Your Cup

A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. "It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted. "You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup."

hmmm.

Cheryl,

In the time we parted, there hasnt been a day where I didnt wake up overwashed with memories and had to struggle to hold back tears, for Jamie doesnt cry.

There has been situations where I reach for my phone to tell you something funny or cute, only to realise that I cant readily punch in your number anymore.

I read your entries and your emails, and let myself succumb to the whole emotion of it in the privateness of my room.

I dont normally talk about what I'm feeling. I prefer to keep it to myself, handle it my own way. I guess right now, Louey is still waiting for my call.

Time to time, I just gaze away from what I'm doing and wonder what you are doing now.

Time to time, I give in. When I'm not strong enough to hold back the tears. When I simply cant take the whole gamut of emotions one has to experience at a time like this.

But at the end of the day, I am always in control. Because Jem doesnt cry.

But there will come a day, where I'll break down and cry for us 2.

I'ts been 9 months. 9 trying months. But all the arguments were ok, because we both felt in us to carry on. To relish the thought that we have managed to come so far despite all that. But it has been draining. I asked myself, to be brutally honest, if we were going anywhere. Were we just hanging on for the sake of it. There are moments in between that we both wondered if staying together was the best thing to do. But no one took a step. I'd like to think it was love. But it was also stained with fear.

yes, it's over. Just saying the words or hearing them is just simply indescribable.

You see it as how I portray. Well, this will be the rawest letter to you yet. Away from the angry and bitter entries that I blogged after I needed an outlet.

Only time will tell what happens. Love might remain, love might fade. But memories never leave you. Unless you develop amnesia. And those memories, can still bring a painful smile to my face.
Life goes on. We had a stage in life together, but our story has ended here. You might choose not to see it as a fairy tale ending, but to me, there are only happy times. And we have to part, because of how we are. And we should never be sorry for the way we are. We can improve, but dont apologise, or feel lousy about yourself. If you were different, we might never even have had a beginning.

Maybe right now we still are not in the same frequency level.
You think I proclaim to her how tired I was. No I didnt. I might have said I was tired, but not tired of you. nothing was said against you. Why you sprung up that sort of relevation on me and what exactly happened doesnt change a thing. It doesnt matter. Not because I dont care, but because it is time we let go of all our conflicting issues.

I'm sorry. For the times I lost my temper. I'm sorry for that one particular time I lost my temper. I'm sorry things turned out this way.

You hurt me before, and made me angry. But that's not why I'm leaving. That's not why I made the decision. You know I made the decision because it was time to choose a path for us. And given who we are, we cant walk that path together. It is better to leave with happy memories, than let the love die out.

I love you, no matter what you did, no matter what you said.

And that, is my unconditional love to you.

Yes we dont understand each other.
yes you dont understand me.
And yes I dont understand you.

But just because there is lack of understanding on your part doesnt give you any grounds to form your own conclusion or your own assumptions.
You think that everything you feel is only on your part.
Well that's a bloody fucking opinion.
So yes, just because you dont understand me, keep those remarks to yourself.

I dont understand you. I know. But then, I dont go around accusing you of feeling or not feeling anything either.

You want to be bitter? fine. you want to be angry at me? Fine.

But let me tell you.
You're so damn bloody fucking unfair.

I thought better of you.

I always believed that love can last forever.
When love dies, or when it fades, it usually occurs cause things happen, and the weight of those things which happen override that love.
But with the absence of those, love can last forever. Even if you meet someone new, that love doesnt vanish, instead it is tucked somewhere in a little minute pocket.

That's my belief. oh well to each his own.

Maybe I'm someone who just doesnt believe in the ideals of love.
Maybe I'm someone who turns away the notion that love conquers all.
Maybe I'm so overridden with flaws that I begrduge myself these wonders of love.
Maybe I'm someone who gives up too easily.
maybe.

Maybe this is what she thinks of me.

played tennis today.
It was satisfaction, to whack those balls, but it was only temporary. And sadly, I dont have the stamina to last.I lasted 2 hours of running. And that is hell of an acheivement for me!

Relationships are complex, even though they shouldnt be. The whole rationale behind who gives more shouldnt even be put into existence.Yet sadly, there is no such thing as unconditional love in romantic relationships. Or maybe I just never let myself believe in it.When people get tired, fingers are pointed at them, and they are seen as not loving their partner enough. Well, that's so quintessential.

I dont allow Duey to hop on my bed because of some unexplained reason my bed makes him poo.

The scenario seems to be that 'you dont love Duey enough.'
I prefer to see it as , 'no matter what Duey does, I still love her'

When I gave it up, fingers were pointed, that I dont love her enough.
But nobody, not even you, saw it as, 'no matter what you did, I will always love you.'
Prove the love. Some might say.I already have, even right now.
She said she tried, but perhaps not the way I want her to try.
I love her, but perhaps not the way she wants me to love her.

Your trying was not enough for me. I wanted more.
And my loving you is not enough for you, for you want more.

yes, to each his own.
We have different sights.
Can they be compromised? I dont know.

I dont see why I have to listen to 'anjing'
After all, you didnt lose me to anyone else.
read the lyrics. They are totally irrelevant.
And your seeming insensitivity, as though I wanted this conclusion all along, was like an arrow through the heart.

It's so easy to say let's give it one more shot. It's so easy to say those words.
but when one party refuses, she is immediately seen as the one who has the lesser strength.
Maybe. But I thought you acknowledged that this has been hard for me, maybe even doubly so.

Everyone needs help every now and then. Everyone needs a listening ear. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on.
But not me.

I dont show it, but the grieving is right there, inside my heart.
And I grieve alone.

At the end of the day, the sense of loss still lingers....
Sigh.

We caught the 11.30pm show of Shutter. HOW CRAZY CAN WE GET!
All I have to say is... when you watch Shutter.....shut your eyes.

Shall reply all my tags here

Yun: Ahhh ok I understand but I'm still a teeny weeny bit disappointed. ok well make it quite a big disappointment. haha. Shall count the days till you return. Yay you're free now! I bet your exam results will be great!

Louey: hey Louey I miss you. :<

Ange: What nick?? With a banana? Gee well hey she's obsessed with fruits. haha will tell you on Monday.

Chompchomp machine: HEY! JO WOULD HAVE SO LOVED THE CONVERSATION! I'M SERIOUS! haha like really! Anyway this cant affirm that you are straight because in reality I dont think any lesbians really indulge in that fetish. Haha ok yes Shahnaz place on Sat... all of the rest played us out! And I think I have the same problem as Ange about your blog.
And I'm learning to breathe properly so that I can keep my temper in check. Let's see if that theory works.

Behind every flared temper, lay a plea to be understood. To wanted to put across the idea that there was frustration because of the inability to convey the innermost feelings. To hide, yet ironically display the shooting pangs of despair that cut with every continuing minute.

Time needed is essential right now. Not for selfish purposes, but for joint purposes. But instead, it's seen as lack of strength and indecisiveness. Which, from a certain angle, may have rung true.

When there is no display of expression, it's seen as minimal emotion felt.

Sigh.

Sometimes I feel so misunderstood.

but then, to be fair, sometimes I ask for it.

I'm not proud.. I was wrong.. and the truth is hard to take..

Random
I have this insatiable urge to play tennis.

Yoga......hummm...
I must learn how to breathe properly.
It was useful, in a certain way I guess. Though I nearly fell asleep at the end.
Cause I dont have discipline.
And my mind is so unfocused I couldnt get it to....focus.

oh well so Maumau is it bikramyoga next?

Meeting Joey and Zen to watch Shutter tomorrow. Mixed feelings. Bro why you wanna watch that show!!
But since the pictures are fake, again it's all about mind control right?

Still remember the time Jo, gerri jas and I caught Ju-on. The hollywood production. *rubs head in memory* haha ok inside joke.

Sigh.

Yunnnnnnn I miss youuuuuuu..............
I havent seen you in years~!
;p

Sometimes rage and anger are just sadness in another form.

I think last night's conversation over msn just reiterated everything all over again..

1. No matter how hard you try, it doesnt seem to be enough for me anymore.
2. That stupid bloody guy will probably try to make moves on you.
3. The minute we attempt any conversation, it ends up in an argument.

Sigh.

I never believed that as long as there is the presence of love, everything is possible. On the contrary, cynic as I am, always thought that love is not everything. But as time went by, a bit of me started to think that maybe those romantists who believe in this notion have very strong ground to believe in it. But now, even that little bit has gone.

Well, my conclusion is, love can be everything. But only for a short time.
But of course, time is relative.

I'm so tired.
So very very tired.

I'm.........

so sad.

That once again, I choose to run....

I choose not to feel anything. for anybody. for myself.
Detachment.
Here we go again...

Sorry is just another lonely word...

I hate the word sorry. Because it has been given so freely, and it's a word that has been reduced to a state of casualness, that people just use that word so often, it takes more than a word to actually depict the remorse behind it.

The consequences behind the mistakes people make are sometimes heavy and regrettable enough to serve as one of the hard knocks of their life, which make them reflect on their own character, and resolve to improve. But as admirable as this is, the one deniable flaw is that sometimes when you make mistakes, you are not the only one who bears the brunt of it. And even though mistakes are a part of growing up, in that course of your own learning, someone else got hurt as well.

I dont deny I'm bitter.

If the person loves you, he should be able to help you through the learning. I say bullshit.
Especially when the improvement is a bare minimal, or you make the mistakes repeatedly.
Your actions point out that you dont really want to learn, or you want to learn only when you're not feeling upset, which just totally defeats its purpose.

I know I wasnt the perfect partner. I know I had my temper problem. But I actually did do something about it.

I chose to go. Because I couldnt stand being taken for granted anymore.

And yes, good for you that you are finally learning. But bad for me, because I helped you, I taught you,I gave so much, but I never saw my harvest. Some call it selfish. I call it bitter. I call it anger. I call it heartache. Cause it could have been me if you had just had a bit of foresight. And i cant stand the thought of you being a perfect girlfriend to someone else.

And you go out with some guy whom I dont even know who the bloody hell he is. And yes, I have no right anymore. But the difference between this typical situation is that I never forfeited that right on my own accord. I was forced to give it up.

Yes I read your blog. And yes it made me cry.

Finally it did. After controlling for so long.

But day after day, you continue to think how easy it is for me.

I did love you. And I do love you. And part of me wants to go back to how we were before. But the mistrust is too huge. There's lack of faith.

You hurt me.
And it really hurt.

I am so tired.

In every aspect of that word.

I cant wait for Yun to return home.

Mostly accurate.. I'm quite impressed I must say..
This is what my handwriting claim I am..
This is quite me. :>

Jamie has left lots of white space on the right side of the paper. Jamie fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion. If this is true, then Jamie has an unhealthy relationship to the past and has a fear of moving forward. The right side of the page represents the future and Jamie seems unwilling to face the fear of getting started living now and planning for the future.Jamie seems to be clinging to past events and spending lots of time thinking about what happened.It would be best to leave the past behind and move on.That's not true! I protest! I think Ive come a long way, and I'm not the kind who looks back. *indignant*

Jamie has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Jamie is very selective when choosing her inner circle of friends. She excludes all but a few from her fellowship. She limits her intimate friends to one or maybe two people. She tends not to trust the masses of people but chooses only a few to trust.And you guys know who you are.. :)

Jamie is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth.This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned.Jamie basically feels good about herself.She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success.She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. (Yes!! Haha)However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach".She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals.A good esteem is one key to a happy life.?Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her perception is better than average.Ok actually I dont understand this paragraph very well. It's like praising me in a bad way.

In reference to Jamie's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Jamie slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Jamie can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.:>

Jamie is secretive. She has secrets which she does not wish to share with others. She intentionally conceals things about herself. She has a private side that she intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in her past. What's with this past issue that keep coming up!? I am an open person.. no secrets man..

When Jamie expresses an opinion on a issue she will stick to that opinion, and probably will not change her mind. In other words... Jamie is stubborn. When she is wrong about something that she has decided upon, she will have trouble admitting she is wrong. Changing Jamie's mind can be very difficult. Once Jamie makes up her mind, she doesn't want to be confused with the facts! oh.. this is so true..

Jamie uses judgment to make decisions. She is ruled by her head, not her heart. She is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see her as unemotional.Yeah but I'm not~! She does have emotions but has no need to express them.Exactly! She is withdrawn into herself and enjoys being alone. The circumstances when Jamie does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. no wonder I need anger management.. oh by the way people I'm going for yoga!! If someone gets her mad enough to tell her off, she will not be sorry about it later. She puts a mark in her mind when someone angers her. She keeps track of these marks and when she hits that last mark she will let them know they have gone too far. She is ruled somewhat by self-interest. Yes I think for myself..All her conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. She is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, she has poise. that's why I should be a fireman!Jamie will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. No group work for me!She would rather not be surrounded by people constantly.Yes.. I am an missanthropist.. In a relationship, she will show her love by the things she does rather than by the things she says. Cher darling read this! Haha Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because she feels her mate should already know. The only exception to this is if she has logically concluded that it is best for her mate to hear her express her love verbally. That's why I do tell you that I love you. oh this is so accurate. HahaJamie is not subject to emotional appeals.yeah I kinda feel that emotional blackmail. If someone is selling a product to her, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of her sound judgment. She will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. She will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and she will always ask "Is this best for me?"

Jamie doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

No. 1
I dreamt that Mau went back to this ex boyfriend.. called Jiale. ( Btw do u know that Jiale was one of Christopher Lee's screen name once?) but because he was actually a girlfriend abuser or dunno what.. we didnt want Mau to go back to him. And so.. the VIPs were all having Chinese class.. and we skipped Chinese class (!?!?) and forcefully dragged Mau away from his house ( he stays at Clementi street 11) but when she didnt want to listen to us.. we slapped her! we hit her! we beat her!

SORRY MAUMAU NO HARD FEELINGS HUH?

I bet it wasnt me doing all the beating. ;p

No.2
Sue and I were in a car... I was driving.. (ok sorry just had to add that detail cause since I dont have a licence yet I have to live in my dreams.. and the reason why I havent got a licence yet is cause I failed my damn advance! And my test is on the 3rd and I think I'm gonna fail again. okok digress) and then Sue started crying.. no.. wailing.. and telling me how stressed she was....

AND MY DREAM IS REAL!
I HAD A PREMONITION!
I BET I AM PSYCHIC.

Well, ok make that half psychic. Cause Sue actually IS stressed!
ok Jem what a big prediction.
Poor thing...
Nevermind Sue I'll buy you a coffee when we meet ok?
Cause that's what I did in the dream. Haha

Anyway...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOEYBRO!!
:>
please study hard.. you havent had an easy time.. but hey things can only get better right?
Hugz
We'll meet soon.. after your exams... And in the meantime, just do your best k?

I caught Incredibles just now....and it's INCREDIBLE!

Can anyone recommend a good form of anger management.

Yoga.. pilates...?

Anger management classes dont sound appealing!

It takes a VIP to appreciate a VIP joke.....
*sticks out tongue to all else who dont appreciate JEM'S JOKES*

ESPECIALLY JEM'S ORIGINAL ONES.

But seriously I was tickled by the broom joke.
Although I shldnt say so, seeing I CAME UP WITH THE JOKE.

it was dead in the middle of the night... we were restless... needed entertainment..
And what is more entertaining than a dose of Jem's Jokes!
Trouble is, Jem couldnt think of any.
And so, never say die Jem came up with her own original jokes.

1.what did the fridge say to the ice cubes?
EH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SQUARE??

* everybody roars with laughter*

2. what did the witch say to the maid?
EH, WHY YOU TAKE MY BROOM!

*everybody shrieks with laughter.*

*wipes tears from eyes* oh Jem.. you are so amusing!

Maybe I should do stand-up comedy, where everybody will stand up for me.. and sing stand up for singapore...

Faith in faith...

I do not practise cynism. I always thought that the glass was half full. I always looked at the silver lining. I always believed that people are born good.
And when something happens, albeit good or bad, I firmly affirm that there's a bigger reason behind it and maybe we are too small to understand the reasons behind it.
Because in the end, it all works out. Or maybe it doesnt, but you get over it. And if you continue to dwell on it, perhaps the problem actually lies in you.
People scoff at hope and optimism. That they are redundant elements, only succeeding in temporary relief, only to have your whole world tumbling down again when it is.. well.. as I said.. only temporary.
But that's where faith comes in, isnt it? Its residing period is all within you control. You can choose to believe repeatedly, or you can choose to feel that everything is just a waste of your time. It's all within yuor control.

But the trouble with people sometimes is that they lack faith. Or they dont give it due respect. Or sometimes the idea of faith doesnt even cross their mind at all.

have faith people have faith!
It's a miraculous thing, if you only give it a chance.

It's a world of laughter a world of tears
It's a world of hope, it's a world of fears...
The world can be such a sad place, when you look at the blotches that ruin the masterpiece. And you wonder how people have the heart or the humanity to say or do certain things. It's not a matter of ' it's not your place to judge', but it's definitely 'hey I behave this way, form your own opinion of me'. And the opinion formed is not very er... to their favour. To put it mildly.

Yes yes cliche, no one is perfect. But what makes this disappointing is that people dont try. Not try to be perfect, but just try. To give their best to the others around them, especially the ones closest to you.

I dont think it's very difficult to remember that everyone has feelings.
And feelings do get hurt too you know.

remember people remember!

Jem's Rambles

Zzzzz....
remember a recent entry regarding my disturbing dreams? I'm happy -no wait. happier to note that it has mellowed somewhat. Sigh. Not that it has disappeared entirely, only it doesnt last the whole time but hey better than nothing huh.

I'm also a little ashamed to admit that school has been rather...er... well.. non existent for me. haha. But I'm not in the dark about what's going on so that's my bright spot for me!

Sungei Ringgit was yummylicious! It was seafood for both lunch and dinner.. Crabs... lobsters...
You'll see me growing a hard shell on back soon.. and joining the crustacean family.. hurhur..

I'm going to JB tomorrow! Yippee!
OK PEOPLE LET ME ANNOUNCE THIS.

I WANT
1. WHITE ADIDAS JACKET. with GOLD STRIPES. ok the description sounds a little off here but trust me IT'S SOOOOOOOOO.... *drools..*
2.I'M ALSO LOOKING FOR THE WHITE ADIDAS BAG...

AND GUESS WHAT!?
I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER SINGAPORE FOR IT BUT I CANT FIND EITHER OF THEM!

Let's hope I find them in JB.

My holiday weekend seems so packed. But when I look at my shedule book, there's hardly anything. So why do I feel so..... busy??

christmas is beckoning......
let's make this festive season a beautiful one this year ok everyone?

Jem's Update
Wed: Went to Little India with Cher, Gwen, Louey and Mr Ape for some authentic fish head curry! And there was some impromtu decision to go clubbing, and THEY decided that Zouk will not allow board shorts that I was wearing so we went to Mustafa Centre in an attempt to find something for me. It was my first time!
But I didnt find anything I like, not because I'm picky or they had a poor selection but shrugs.
Louey had to head home first so we all went over and I picked out a pair of jeans but I didnt really like the material. (my skin is very very sensitive)
I claimed that I could charm my way in through Zouk and refused to wear it, though no one believed in my charms.

:(

And guess what happened!

I CHARMED MY WAY IN

*swoons* oh prince charming.......

hahahahahhahahaa actually I didnt. They just let me in without saying anything. But hey in order to do that they have to like my face right??

ok a little shameless here.

Friday
I'm going to Sungei Ringgit with Jo and Gerri and Jasmine! Gonna have seafood and spent a bit of er.... rural village life? Haha I havent been there before so initially I thought it was like an island like Tioman, and the rest tried to correct me so now I think it's some sort of er.. kampung..

Anyway, should anything happen to me, touch wood! ( quick do the Louey impersonation!)
please tell Mummy that I love her very much..
and remember all of you are loved by
ME.

Duey's Update
DUEY IS OFFICIALLY LITTER-TRAINED!
My smart bunny knows how to hop back into his litterbox even when I let him run around free... so he doesnt do it in my room or anywhere he aint supposed to anymore!

yay...

And my brother was so sweet the other day...
Shaun: Eh you need money to buy his food all that you must tell me. I will give you the money.
Shaun: And I think he would want a bigger cage.. I'll buy him a bigger cage.
Jamie: A bigger cage would cost you $149!
Shaun: Wah really ah? Ok Christmas buy for him.

Sleep has been fitful.. plagued with so many awful dreams.

Not nightmares, the kind which you awake with a shock, but disturbing dreams.
Teeth falling out... fighting with crocodiles and sharks.. swimming away.. running away.. ghosts planted here and there..

But that's not the worst part.

The worst part is that it happens every single night.

WHY WHY TELL ME WHY

I am so exhausted.

:(

I'd like to retract my previous entry. Contrary to what I so-called realised, I was wrong! For upon reading info about holland lops, it is said that this breed has a massive looking shape -- its back is shaped like a horseshoe. Hence, it's just his shape! not his....erm.. weight?

DUEY YOU ARE NOT FAT ANYMORE!

duey hops back.. not offended..

:)

So here's presenting my so-not-fat bunny.

cheeseballs.. his snacks.. 

doesnt he remind you of Dumbo the elephant 

Duey!