sometimes when i am driving, i gaze out of the window, and when i see the sky, it saddens me.

because sleeping underneath the same sky used to bring me comfort. but now i just think, so does everyone else. and i dont feel special any longer.

i also admit that im too contradictory for my own good, and now i think i became a little bit too warped for me to recognise myself.

but from the words of a wise old friend im only answerable to myself.

and who knows best but myself? if i am so confused and i dont know myself, how can others know. despite all those about outsiders knowing best etc, i beg to differ.

perhaps closure, is just to close this whole episode.

i'll know when the time is right and what to do.

yeah.. when the time is right...
sigh.

who can say who has it worse? The one that was taken away, the one who left, or the one who was left behind? Is it even right to do a comparison, has life really become such that all is a competition?
Grieving is such a complicated process. The word grief itself is so melodramatic too. Because it's such a personal issue. First you berate yourself, sink into your stupor of your misery. Search for the strength, ashamed of the dramatics. You get trapped in the abyss that you dont even have the energy to crawl out of.
How does one deal with guilt? Mastering the art of self forgiveness or the mastering the mockery of pretence? Stoicism beckons and waves gaily, only to rear its ugly head as you approach.
The cliche of time heals all wounds simply laughs a jeering laugh in times of trouble, only after we experience its truth do we hear its hidden melody. Yet can happiness or relief be truly be truly pure, or will a lost love or a lost cause be forever tainted.
We are all soldiers, carrying our own crosses, and God will never give us a burden too heavy to bear. As a child of God, we are taught that love conquers all. But to exercise its theory is to exorcise our demons. The ghosts haunt us, we see them everywhere, struggling to remember that God is omnipresent too.
A direction in life, a purpose, to prevent us from being lost sheep. To wander is to escape, but ultimately you want to go home to the warmth of the Shepard.
The freedom to imagine we have been blessed with. A sword given to us which we abuse as a weapon against ourselves. innate sadistic intricacies, or manipulation of the intricacies of life thrown at us.
The need to fly away from it all. Yet you cower down, because of the uncertainty.

The momentary happiness. The momentary escapes. How good it feels.
But the constant heartache never disappears. The remarks, the need to defend, but the helplessness at the situation.
Feeling like a fool, feeling like the biggest bastard ever.

tired. of it all.
e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.o.n.

But what matters anymore, who matters anymore.

some experiences make you a better person, others a worse person.
but for better or for worse, it really does make you a wiser person.

and being wise, i keep telling myself, isnt about being cynical. or jaded. or wary about all those around you, bitter around you.

it's about learning a lesson, that some things and some people arent what they seem. and if you play with fire, you're bound to get burnt. especially if you started a really large and uncontrollable one, till the firemen had to step in.
being bitter, being vengeful, hurts your soul.
i need to accept this lesson learnt, recognise my faults and where i went wrong, and not how others did me wrong.

it's just that i paid a very expensive price for this lesson.
some things in life are priceless. and it isnt only the good things. it's the painful ones as well.

when you least expect it, sometimes God sends down an angel to help you go through the difficult hours when you least expect it.

mornings are the hardest. perhaps it's because i have the most energy then.
therefore, the whole night of drinking and the morning cycling minimised the pain.

the great company. K and Y. i'll be forever grateful.

as i have reiterated, it's not about getting over it, or moving on. it's about simply getting used to the constant heartache.

that's all.

im a survivor.

i have to be strong, and have faith. for the sake of her.
this is my new mantra.

be strong, have faith, for her.for her for her for her.

dear you,

yesterday was without a doubt one of the most miserable days ive had in a long time. just when you think life is settling down, it has a cruel way of rocking the boat to capsize all on board. yet, we werent that good captains of our ship. Too careless, too complacent, too carried away by the sweet simplicities that we forgot about the compliations of our situation.
too late for apologies, no time given for any last words. just like that, you were taken away and i was told you were never coming back. how can i even begin to describe the impact of those words. the immediate pain felt, the tears of sadness not cried in a long time.
to have to struggle to be strong, to put on a brave front, i couldnt do it. until i was given the thought that if i appear too upset it may affect your investigation. using that, i tried. i tried so damn hard. and im sorry if it was not enough and you still would get into shit because i cldnt do it.im so sorry for so many things. im so damn bloody sorry. i took so much away from you. things that i can never replace or give back to you. im sorry... baby im so so sorry.
i thought i was all cried out, but why do the tears keep flowing every time i think ive gained control. why i cant i stop these stupid tears even now?im supposed to be the strong one. im supposed to be the mr cool who would never give a damn about anyone. but help me, for i am not strong at all.
i wonder how you are, what you're thinking. you must be feeling so bad, perhaps you are thinking and missing me too. do you know how i feel, and the things i want to say to you too? i think you do.. but i hope you remember it everyday for the next 4 years.
is god helping you? i pray for miracles, but at the end of the day, i pray for your welfare. it's the most important thing to me, so ironic...
i keep thinking of you, the letter you wrote to me the day before, is such a source of comfort. the words i needed to hear from you..
at work, i dont know who to turn to everytime i run into a work related prob. i got so used to my dependable PA. who is going to help me, and plan business strategies over much laughter? who am i going to scold each evening for laughing too loudly.? who am i going to nag at about wearing jackets at the table? how can i work on sundays, when it was our favourite day.
im so thankful that ive etched our times shared together into my memory. made sure that every sweet moment shared i told myself it could be the last and i made myself savour every moment.yet, i miss you so damn much. miss you with a heartache so deep i dont know what to do.miss you with an intensity i hope you still can feel it through the stupid walls and bars.

4 years.. can our love actually stand? i want to be able to do it. i want to be able to tell you that after all the years there was no one but you. and for once in my life, i think.. maybe i can.

where do we go from here?
im just so lost without you...

i cant even put my finger on what exactly i am going through right now.
But that's how it's always supposed to be aint it?

Fear, mingled with anxiety, plus frustration.

i am going to go on my knees and pray that all goes well.
and everything is being hyped up like how it always is as usual.

can i make a bargain now and say let me get lucky and i will know the precautions to take from now on, which previously i was flighty about.

Why is always like that? The fear of losing makes you treasure.

I cant lose it. i really cannot.

world,pray with me.

I havent logged in for what seems like ages!

No idle time left over after work and all the other issues to be settled.

Life is pretty much not bad.

I have always been an advocate that some things can be straightened out on their own. No point rushing because the bigger plan is not ready yet.

I'm glad that my life has affirmed this over and over again.

Laters.