do you know why some people look so angry?

because sometimes, when you frown, and you frown really ferociously, you can actually stop the tears from flowing.

that's why.

you display respect, responsibility, commitment, stability, care, concern and all the other values which you automatically adhere to when you supposedly love someone.

correct me if im wrong.

i mean what's love without all of the above?

i guess love can definitely exist without all that, but then it kinda becomes a sort of selfish kind of love. isnt it?

and you know, loving yourself is very important too.
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february is approaching...
and all too soon march will come.
everyday, i'm still trying to put it into words the trepidation that's churning inside me. which is so irrational. or is it?

mau and yun will return to perth all too soon.
looking forward to 2nd december though. cant wait to go to perth!!
see yun.. for your sake i'd even put up with... damn i cant remember the flowers mau and gwen were talkg abt.

gong xi fa cai everyone...

"we all have our own sets of thinking. everyone's thinking is different. your thinking may make sense and are reasonable, but you also need to give people time to change.

it's like how some people litter. they know that littering is wrong, yet they still do it everyday. and you're someone who hates littering. so when they litter, you scold and lecture them. but to them, it's only littering. they need time to get rid of that habit. but there's no reason for you to lose your temper. "

my angry reply.
but underneath that anger, is frustration. it's almost a wretched kind of sadness. because they littered in my home. do they not have that basic respect for me, that i have to get show anger before they pick up the litter. i dont understand why i have to teach them. shouldnt they already know?

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great litter analogy.

but it made me pause to think about those words above someone said to me. and for a rare time, allowed those thoughts to contradict what i previously believed all along.

i realise that sometimes littering isnt such a big thing. and sometimes we over react. and sometimes, we have a right to get angry, but not a right to overstep that anger. which is what i am guilty of doing at times. ok fine many times.
i have my own rules and principles, and boy, am i ever stubborn. but there are times when really, the other person might be in the wrong, but that doesnt necessarily make you a right either.

should i really scold all the one who throws the rubbish all the time? isnt it better that i help them kick the habit, and instead of resenting picking up all the rubbish, request for their help in picking up what they have thrown.

the soft approach.

continual learning.

i'll remember that. i'll figure it out.

i seem to have all these theories and ideals about how one should behave when in a relationship. every now and then, whether it is a personal experience or the closed ones around me, all these fanciful ideas that i have just seem to weigh lesser each time.

i had so many different sides to me before i finally thought i settled down on one. classic case of split personalities? nah. just typical. quintessential of any human being. i guess i can say with a certain amount of pride that i have tried and perhaps found the balance of learning how to love.

is there a right way in loving someone? i think there is.

its just that what is a right way for you may be the wrong way for someone else.

we're just like 2 pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. sometimes, you meet another piece, and you realise that the two of you fit perfectly.

but then you turn each other around and realise that despite the fitting of the pieces, the picture totally clashes.

or you can have picture matches, yet different sizes.

so what then?
is there really a piece for you out there?

but you know sometimes, its just that one next to you. because you can change your size to fit each other. or simply tear of each others' pictures, and paint a new one together.

i still believe that.

how many of you have been gripped by paranoia and insecurity ever so often? i'm starting to wonder the root cause of it.
do we not have enough confidence? in ourselves? in the relationship? and where does it stem from? our wrong paths, or have we subconsciously stumbled across someone who made us feel this way?

have you ever looked at someone else, and think that your gf/bf is so much better of with that person than yourself?
have you ever swallowed your pride, to seek reassurance yet kicked yourself at the same time because you realise you could just be chasing the person away with all these irrationalities.

has someone else ever done something romantic/sweet (*fucking hell!*) to your gf/bf and you just stand at the sidelines watching it, your physical presence looming large but you're just simply invisible.

and you wonder if you should just remain invisible and let them get on with it.

ouch.

right and wrong. good and bad. happy and sad. everything in this world.
i have realised that they all exist together.

human nature is such that we dont often take notice of the little things because we assume that such issues in their sizes are of minimal or no significance. Time and experience thus proves us wrong, yet we repeatedly make that same mistake over again, taking for granted that each time we will continue to be forgiven.

till comes a day when you realise that second chances arent promised to anyone. and miracles, by their very nature rarely occur. and even luck, slowly begins to ebb out, leaving you with nothing to grasp onto by emptiness, and a whole lot of regret.


you either need to be given a lot of tolerance and patience as you being this slow and painful progress of cherishing. and sometimes, even though you think you've got it pat down, events occur to prove you wrong, and you realise that there is still plenty of room for character development after all.

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my once smooth flawless skin (yes yes not shy i know) ... well.. to put it plainly.. sucks. and sadly, this isnt an exaggeration made often by hapless females, although for once i highly wish i was one of them so that my current skin condition is but a highly dramatized condition.
due to everything., it's beginning to show on my face. pimples, small dots whatever they are, worry lines, frowns, eye bags, i guess i should just be thankful that i dont have acne.

how do you explain to the people around you including her that you react or act the way you do because you're so convinced everything is going to fall apart really soon.
and because of that conviction that time spent is limited, how can you tell everyone that you wish to spend almost every waking moment just for the few months because that's all you have.
how do you try to analyze and explain that very conviction when it sounds so baseless and ridiculous even to myself?

how how tell me how.

sometimes, i really dont understand myself. it's almost amazing how i am when i am with her, but it's even more astounding how capable i am in fucking things up for myself.

why why tell me why.

the return of the jem.

:)

ok yes people im back. roll on the red carpet!

bring on the cheers!

:)

i am in danger of sulking away actually.
no im not feeling displaced like how my perth trip made me.
i just enjoyed and relished my temporary escape.

and i'll miss a lot of things. esp the sleeping and waking up.

ok i shld just shut up now.

so anyway,

DID U GUYS MISS ME!

what a duh question. of course you all did.

:)

happy birthday dear.

hi guys, i'll be heading to genting tomorrow night, returning friday evening.

if there are any emergencies, you know my number!

and yes, as usual, just remember you all are deeply loved by

ME.

you cant play with nature's way i concede but destiny can be taken in your own hands. and sometimes even fate can be tempted, or encouraged.

nothing like a reminder of your past for you to look back and realise how far you have come.

there are beautiful things out there. things that only happen once in a lifetime. things that are there under our noses all the time.

life. curse it if you must, but dont forget to embrace it.

talked to the past today.
it's strange how you can measure a man more accurately when you've been apart for years. because the differences are all the more obvious.
and i nod in approval at the changes.

it's been a long time and everyone's come a long way.

im trying to erase that incessant frown on my face. sigh. anyone wants to spare me cash for my exam fees? *gloomy* i dont feel good taking from my parents at all.
i bless myself to strike lottery tmr.

sigh what the hell i didnt even buy a ticket.

im going to genting guys. leaving on tues ngiht. returning on fri.
shall i park myself at the casino? with any luck i shall have enough to pay for everyone's school fees, hp bills, credit cards bills and STILL have enough to buy a car.

dream big guys. if not, dont bother to dream at all.

*wink*

do you know what happiness is?
euphoria in its empirical form.

have you ever laughed with abandon?
pure momentary bliss?

do you know what happiness is?
do you really know?
do you really really know?

i do.

and because i do,
then i understand what sadness is.

they fit together hand and glove.

we smile at the same time we cry, and we cry at the same time we smile.

do you believe that they are one, or separate emotions?

not all smiles are upon our faces.

and you know,

some tears are cried inside.

all the time, even if you cant see them.

that's the price you pay. for.... everything.

do you believe in deja vu?
do you believe in karma?
do you believe that the past can repeat itself?

the hateful thing is whether i believe it or not, it slaps or will slap me in the face, so that i not only believe in it, but feel the full force of the pain they bring.

yes.

some tears are truly cried inside.

shorts and shouts.

post christmas cum new year with the vips was heartwarming. what beats a cosy sit down dinner? with great food and better company. absolutely nothing can top that.
arent u girls glad i made you shout merry christmas and hug? so nice right???????
what would life be like without you girls?
i definitely dont intend to find out.

year 1 and 2 were smooth years. but year 3 seems to be accompanied by politics, clashes with school staff and authorities, screw ups of time tables and messy admin.
goodness. cant everyone just do their part, do their jobs and leave us alone?
apparently not.

ange: hey! how are you? i'll be in school on fri will u be there? and im okay! im always ok! :)

looking forward to chinese new year dinner.

looking forward to genting trip. it has just dawned upon me how much i really need this holiday.
where i want to chuck every worry aside and just simply forget.

i received an LTA fine for illegal parking not long ago. 100 freaking bloody bucks. i just received one today. for insufficient cash card funds. only 10 bucks. but still 1o freaking bloody bucks. it is so not what i need right now.

special days coming up.

yun turns 22 on 8th jan.
princess turns 24 on 11th jan.
k turns 24 on 14th jan.

special days for special ppl. :)

life sucks. but life is good too.