last night i dreamt that there was something wrong with my teeth. again. but this time instead of falling out, i apparently had black sand-like particles on them, but i cant remember the name of the condition. it's fiction by the way. i was in a hotel toilet brushing my teeth and then i looked up and all these black particles were all over the toilet. i took the shower hose and washed them off.. but the particles on the ceiling, well, if you wash them down, they just fall on u right? and so they did.

after cleaning up, i peeped through the peep-hole of the hotel door to see this woman standing there looking at my door, holding a gun. i took up my handphone and called the police. ( i dont know why i didnt call hotel reception) anyway, the police took freaking long to take down my details but they would send someone over.

the policeman came. but of course when he came the woman was not there anymore. anyway i opened the door for him, and was urging him to look for this woman when the woman appeared and shot him. she then turned to me and shot me. twice.

for some reason i was still alive and i stumbled back into my room. she followed me and she said she wanted to make sure i was dead and she pointed the gun to my head. and shot. she was about to shoot again when i moved to place my hand over my head and so my hand got shot instead.

i cant remember what happened to her, but i went out of my room to get help for my wounds and ran into a doctor who looks suspciously like the doctor from back to the future. he took me back to his room and cured me.

throughout it all, i had no pain.

hmm.

last night, i also dreamt that i went to my uncle's house for dinner. at the dinner table, i saw my grandma sitting there and eating. translated from chinese, i said to her, 'grandma ure well!'

and she turned and smiled at me.

and i grinned back.

hmm.

let's talk about.... closure
a term which gestalt psychology describes as having completeness.

completeness. makes you think doesnt it? so debatedly, if we do not seek closure for certain issues, are we not a whole person? perhaps.

closure is a terminating a phase, bringing a conclusion. even the word itself acts as a finality, as if hearing or speaking of the word is your first step towards actually doing it.
i guess i'm a little confused whether closure is targeted externally or internally. outwards, it's easy to breeze through everyday, closure comes almost effortlessly because of the distractions that fall in place, or maybe distractions that you seeked to fall in place. but how does one actually seek closure inwards? therapy?

or maybe whatever happens is outside the realm of our understanding.
which made us wake up one day and suddenly you know everything doesnt seem that bad anymore.

religious intervening?

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i had one of my better sleeps last night.
probably because the lack of rest from the week's activities accumulated and finally crashed on me last night.
whatever it is, im thankful.

maybe what everyone needs is a good night's sleep.

so perhaps going out every night and piling on vices is the way for me, no?
well, actually, definitely not.
but as this is the only way i know, hmm i'll just take this way for now then.

anyway, ive decided.....
all the uncertainties and everything else that worried me, i cant be bothered with it anymore.

stoic is being indifferent to both pleasure and pain.
well, here's to the return of the mr stoic jem.

i'm addicted to dancing!

there's just something theraputic(is that e spelling?) about dancing for me.
havent danced like that for so long, and clubbed 3 times this week!!

great exercise.

i went to cheekys just now! been so long since i went there... but surprisingly, despite the initial reluctance, i had a good time! cause it was not crowded .. there was space to dance... so it was louey and i on the dance floor shaking madly haha while our poor friends waited outside.

work tmr. and cant believe i succumbed to louey's cajoling.

but then...

it's one of the best distractions.

many people wallow in their problems often right?

if i may say so, i never did.
never.

i never dwell in them. i always shrugged them off successfully.

i always fought. and i always won.

and i think ive gone through my share of shit.

but success isnt really my way at the moment.

so for now, let me make up for lost time.

what if you have to make that same promise continously because each time you dont keep to it, you have make it all over again.
how do u stop that chain?

by sheer force.

by literally physically breaking it.

what else is there to do.

the hardest things to do are the things we dont like to do. logic.

sometimes it isnt a matter of walking away. because in reality I never really will leave. i call it fading into the background.

and that has to do, for now.
or rather, that has to be done, for now.

you know, i've been through so many crazy stuff, went through so many experiences, have always prided on being the tough one.
but to certain things, people, whatever, gawd i'm as soft as......feathers.. ok.. well that's the first thing that came to my head. make that goose feathers. by the way, if you get your pillows or quilts or comforters, get them with goose feathers. you'll just want to stay in bed forever.

that's major digressing jem. yes yes.

i think i'm going crazy right now.
too many things are overwhelming and ive never felt displacement on such a scale as this before.
i shld throw myself into my studies, only prob is that it's one of the major issues that's givnig me this feeling.

but i thought to myself last night, ...you either sink or swim.
and since i have smartly ignored all the life jackets offered to me, it's up to me to swim the seemingly never-ending journey to shore.

shit happens. but you gotta do what you gotta do.

it creeps up on you when you least expect it. but then, doesnt it always?
i meant that in generic terms.

i allowed myself into sink into nostalgia, but the drawback of remembrance is that you begin that unanswered endless questioning of what ifs. life's paths take their turn for reasons, and sometimes your choices turn out the best way for you. but every once in a while, in certain unique situations, you are plagued with regret because you know that maybe things could have been different.
it's not even anger or bitterness anymore.
because at the end of the gawd damned day, you just feel ... sad.

and it doesnt help where there is more than one situation where you feel you screwed up.

there's this one situation though..

where you look upon ______, and the reality of what the situation seems to just enlarge itself and mock you in its face, wagging its stupid finger and telling you relentless ' see what you lost? you could have had this, but you threw it all away'

and then you argue. it wasnt you fault. and maybe genuinely it wasnt. but you had a part. you always have a part. because if you werent such a restless idiot, you may have seen more clearly.
or if you had more ounces of confidences......

defeat is in the air. you just have to throw up your hands and wave that white flag cause.. you dont exactly have anything else to do.

so you make the best of the situation. salvage what there is. and force yourself to be content with it. but now and then, you forget, and you want more, because you remember. you remember that unexpected moment where you're amazed you actually got it..that feeling... and you want to have it all over again..

but.... most of the time, in that forgetful moment, you also forget that defeat is in the air.

sigh. i guess i'm human. it's called 'de chun jing qi' and i guess maybe i wanted more because i remembered howit was like when i tried.... and when i didnt try.

but.. it's back to just making the best out of it.

but why do i feel that i settled for 2nd best?
because duh jem.. it's not called 2nd best for nothing. .. if you had it, it would have been the best thing that you could ever have hoped for.

yes... the best thing..

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enough of rambles.

was at chinablack last night supporting joey in her tri-varsity pageant! so preeng-ty my brother!
ok.. pretty bro doesnt exactly sound right. haha anyway you looked HOT! *its getting hot in here.. so take for all your clothesssss* ok. anyway bro, i'm glad i went. wanted to go anyhow!
and it's been ages since i really danced without restrictions..... good exercise... ahhh i love dancing. * smiles*

and cab rides never felt so worth it before. :->

bro! see you on thurs then we can talk properly and you can update me abt this and that and so can i! i have so many things to tell you and you must help me to get your old brother back instead of this cowardly whatever tt has taken over!

i'm no oenophile.. ... it's beer anytime.

but i think its effects are starting to show.

i bet my beer belly is going to show real soon. and is a depleting complexion a consequence as well?

sigh.

double sigh.

life is just mundane right now. no spark.

i wonder why.

i shall give my room a huge pack tomorrow.

so here's a little update..

caught Ray yesterday with the cj guy classmates.... the movie is a biography of legendary ray charles...
if you like jazz music, plus documentary... the show is for you.
because it's a bit art house.
for me the problem was that it was 2and a half hours... and because it isnt action, but lots of dialouge which requires concentration....
so dont catch a late night movie.. or right after you've eaten....

caught 'feng shui' just now with china apple!
it's a horror. the only time i turn cowardly.
enough said.
well.. it wasnt THATTTT scary.
haha
thanks for your jacket....

i maintain that it was solely ONG WEI ZHEN LOUETTA's fault that i cried.

no correction. TEARED.

i was in control.
my tear ducts were intact.

THEN LOUEY LA!

haha
dont worry louey, save money ok? we'll see our perth ladies in just a few months.
btw gwennie, valuair as no entertainment so looks lk i have to do it!
guitar here i come.

maumau we all miss u.
but damn we support u lk crazy on this new exciting journey.
look at e collage i did for u often ok?

strange how words that people say unknowingly without reference to you can give you such a large insight on your own life.
irritating how certain pictures viewed makes you wonder about position.
jealous about others' life paths that they undertake.

i really hate it.

cause i now know what the hell is wrong with me.

and that is,

i dont know what i want.

but ...

i know it's not this.

lots of things in my life now....

i hate it.

i want to lead a life i enjoy again.

i'm going to rob a bank.

tt's a joke btw. lest i become a suspect for anoter posb break in.

oh gawd i'm not even talking coherently.
i doubt anyone can understand what the hell i am writing nw.

happy birthday to my darling mau
love you!

i had an early night, but awoke to a very strange dream.

everyone is familiar to the notion of knowing someone for a long time, but his very existence doesnt exactly cause much of an impact.
and contrary, someone you may have met on a brief, and hardly keeps in touch anymore, a hi from him makes you high. (heh!)

anyway, I meant him in generic terms.

only goes to show quantity is rubbish, no?
and significance is everything, yes?

anyway, yes back to the dream.

it is said that when you dream of being naked in front of a crowd, it means you actually have a big secret that you're afraid everyone will find out.

well, i dreamt that i was wrapped up in thick wollen clothing under very hot weather in front of many many many people.

so what does that mean??

and no i was not pespiring. ok not that you asked.

anyway, those many people, were people that i was never in close contact with, but did think about from time to time. and they were not necessarily liasons or anything.

ok la. it wasnt that many people. it was about ten?

one of them was my church friend. maybe god is trying to contact me! ok dumb. He doesnt need to go through all that.

there was also K, L,M and N. as well as opqrstuvwxyz.
haha ok no just the capitalised ones.
( I'm so amused by their letter names! I never knew it was so.... neat? )

there were random people. ex school mates, pri school friends.

so tell me my dream experts, kindly explain PLEASE! just try.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anywayyyyyyyyyy,,, the good side.... not of the dream.. but just generally good side...

i have a rabbit who thinks she's a dog.

she comes when she's called. well sort of.
she jumps up the bed and cuddles up to me.
she nibbles my fingers to attract my attention. ( OH MY! MY INITIAL ENTRY WAS SHE NIPPLES MY FINGERS. hahahahahahahhahaha )
she loves hugs and pets.
she growls and bites. but luckily not me.
she's litterbox trained.
when she's out of the cage, she's newspaper trained.

but best of all, when i talk to her, she actually listens.
and she hops up and rubs noses with me for comfort. literally.

i'm quite amazed actually.
i half expect her to bark sometimes.
but i hope not.
that would be wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too scary.

Sometimes we evade our eyes from sights we don't wish to see.
Sometimes we detach ourselves from situations we don't wish to be caught in.

Most of the time, its primary aim is simply to shield ourselves.

don't interfere, or get involved, because the emotional burden is too heavy.

And yes, this sort of protection is known as selfish protection.

It's even worse when you have to put up with the guilt of the above.

Let's have a rare dose of jem getting a bit personal here.
My grandma is ill. Has been for some time.Ok.
She's very ill.

I seldom speak of this. Because in a way I don't know how. Speaking of it wont change anything anyway.

Please pray for her comfort please.
It is very much appreciated.
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On a lighter note.
So the new year has passed.
A new beginning?

Caught 'the very long engagement' last night with joeybro. I LOVED IT!
Ok basic sypnosis is that this woman is trying to find out the plight of her finacee after the war.It's a French movie, war-themed. A little gruesome, considering some of the scenes. Well, its about the war so expect some gore.
Anyway, really glad I watched it. I don't know why, I cant relate to it whatsoever, but it's just… captivating.
Shant spoil the ending though.

I'M DYING TO GO TO THE UK FUNFAIR! Any takers?

inferiority complex. unfortunately, we all suffer that every once in a while.

we look around us, and then we belittle ourselves. suddenly, we dont seem so tall anymore.

we arent that good looking anymore.
we arent that rich anymore.
our cars are way too small.
our neighbourhoods arent posh enough.
you want that wallet.
you want that bag.
you want that height.
you want that smile.
you want those legs.
you want that complexion.

envy overwhelms..

and suddenly....

we arent good enough.
for whatever.

isnt this a sad sad world?

but you know, dwelling in some self pity is ok here and there.
but overindulgence... you're in danger.
cause that might leave you... i dont know.. bitter?

time to get things back to perspective....

1. you dont have to find your cane each time you leave the house because you're blind.
2. you can hear your loved ones voices clearly, or and favourite tunes.
3. you dont have to go into prostitution because your family has no money.
( do you know, in a certain country which i shall not mention, girls as young as 6 are introduced to the world of prostitution so as to cater to paedophiles)
4. you dont have terminal illnesses.
5. you are not an orphan.
6. you dont have to drink ditch water
7. you dont have to dig through dumps to find shirts... dont even talk about kenneth cole..
8. you have mummies who love you.

hmmm.

you know, when you think this way..

i think each of us will feel more than blessed.

how about using this train of thought for a new year huh?
gong xi fa cai...
hong bao yi ge lai...

:->

Birthday note to one of the top ladies in my life... : DELE!!!!!! happy 21st!! ok this entry is a bit late but didnt get the chance till now. Hmm... well let's see.. you can legally watch RA... ? Haha bet you're dying to watch one right?? Sexual dependency right???? haha wait for me man. oops! kidding haha
Anyway reminising about old days last night made me realise how much you've grown... and no.. not physically... ok well maybe a bit.. *wink* okok... I digress. But you've really achieved so much.. and it's obvious to us all that you're gonna go far too. I'm reallyproud to call you one of my VIPs... you're really one of a kind you know that? stay that way yeah... you've very much loved by
Me.

On another note...
Reached home last night at a shocking 4 +... well not shocking.. but a bit dumb.. considering I have a full day's work on saturday.. working from 9am -830.. at a faraway land in bukit batok.. but oh well I needed the cash PLUS I wouldnt have missed dele's birthday for the world.
So needless to say.... I am f*** (toot toot toot) exhausted.. but I was reading the papers just now... well the tv page actually.. and I saw that 'ghost' was showing on ch5.. so I headed outside to watch.. but 20 mins into the show I realised it is not a good idea to watch with my parents....cause.... that show... is one of the few shows.....really few shows....

THAT MAKE ME CRY!
WEEP! SOB!

And so, I headed back to my room and out my Vcd and smartly watched it with the privacy of my room...

contrary to its title... it is not horror. It's romance. haha sounds cheesy but take it from someone who really really doesnt cry at movies... this is one worth all the tears....

*wipes stray tears*
*blows nose*
*flesh flood of tears*

ok.. tt's going overboard. haha

time for bed.

NB: to val: I dont know if you'll get to read this.. ( ahah I sound like your mr D) but I wanted to tell you that your entries are a joy to read. It's just.. I dunno.. different... a very val style which is totally fab! ( say it the bimbo way and do the hand thing) anyway, i hope your daddy is ok now.. will continue to pray for him k.. take care my fellow hpb gang member aka the breast association.

ok so my last few entries were a little bit off.
I 'm not a complicated person. I just complicate matters.
but that's ME! I know I think too much and analyse too much and look into everything too much... but hey it's better than being superficial right?? see.. must look at it that way...

so ANYWAY,

I FEEL FINE NOW!

cause you know why??

I went to Friendster! been some time since I actually went in there to surf. And I was amazed at the connections I discovered! Like.. Singapore is so small! Way too small!

ok yes. I'm slow. I just realised how Friendster shows all the connections and when everyone is done exclaiming at the coincidences I begin.

but that's not why I feel fine.

I feel fine because I re-read all my testimonials.

I was smiling through each one. Laughing at some even when I was reminded of some situations that they mentioned.

And it's so comforting to know that despite all my nonsense people out there still love me.
not shy. Haha but just let me brag about it for now. I need it!
boast boast boast boast boast....

Anyway....
this really is a perfect remedy.

So people, IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE SHIT, READ YOUR TESTIMONIALS!
IT'S A GUARANTEED MORALE BOOSTER.

Cheers.