it creeps up on you when you least expect it. but then, doesnt it always?
i meant that in generic terms.

i allowed myself into sink into nostalgia, but the drawback of remembrance is that you begin that unanswered endless questioning of what ifs. life's paths take their turn for reasons, and sometimes your choices turn out the best way for you. but every once in a while, in certain unique situations, you are plagued with regret because you know that maybe things could have been different.
it's not even anger or bitterness anymore.
because at the end of the gawd damned day, you just feel ... sad.

and it doesnt help where there is more than one situation where you feel you screwed up.

there's this one situation though..

where you look upon ______, and the reality of what the situation seems to just enlarge itself and mock you in its face, wagging its stupid finger and telling you relentless ' see what you lost? you could have had this, but you threw it all away'

and then you argue. it wasnt you fault. and maybe genuinely it wasnt. but you had a part. you always have a part. because if you werent such a restless idiot, you may have seen more clearly.
or if you had more ounces of confidences......

defeat is in the air. you just have to throw up your hands and wave that white flag cause.. you dont exactly have anything else to do.

so you make the best of the situation. salvage what there is. and force yourself to be content with it. but now and then, you forget, and you want more, because you remember. you remember that unexpected moment where you're amazed you actually got it..that feeling... and you want to have it all over again..

but.... most of the time, in that forgetful moment, you also forget that defeat is in the air.

sigh. i guess i'm human. it's called 'de chun jing qi' and i guess maybe i wanted more because i remembered howit was like when i tried.... and when i didnt try.

but.. it's back to just making the best out of it.

but why do i feel that i settled for 2nd best?
because duh jem.. it's not called 2nd best for nothing. .. if you had it, it would have been the best thing that you could ever have hoped for.

yes... the best thing..

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enough of rambles.

was at chinablack last night supporting joey in her tri-varsity pageant! so preeng-ty my brother!
ok.. pretty bro doesnt exactly sound right. haha anyway you looked HOT! *its getting hot in here.. so take for all your clothesssss* ok. anyway bro, i'm glad i went. wanted to go anyhow!
and it's been ages since i really danced without restrictions..... good exercise... ahhh i love dancing. * smiles*

and cab rides never felt so worth it before. :->

bro! see you on thurs then we can talk properly and you can update me abt this and that and so can i! i have so many things to tell you and you must help me to get your old brother back instead of this cowardly whatever tt has taken over!