They say that love is blind. Well, I say it's a fucking paralysis of the heart too.

Because you make sacrifices. You compromise your feelings. You share a deeper part of yourself that one rarely touches. You back up that apparent love you have with tangible evidence.

And you dont resent it.

But after a while, you begin to. Because in every innate human nature, you need appreciation. It's not an expectation, it's a need. It's a crucial element in continuing all that you've managed to do all the while.

But sadly, people think that appreciation is all about smiling and saying thank you. Well that only extends to a superficial relationship.

The best appreciation is to reciprocate whatever that have been so willingly given to you.

Many argue that it's the thought that counts. But there has been a reason the cliche of action speaks louder than words was enunciated. Each apply to different situaitons right?
So which is suitable now?

That doesnt mean the love is gone.

It's still there, probably will always be.

It just means that it has been forced to be tucked away at some far lonely corner of your heart.

It's a vicious chain of events. That could so easily be avoided, if people just had a little heart for the loved ones around them.

No wonder they say Man is selfish.

Well, perhaps I am selfish too.

*shrug* but it isnt within my means to repair that anymore.

Look at everybody around you. Everyone plays a part, some more involved than others. They say life is about priortising, everything weighed on a balancing scale. Most of the time, the power to control those scales belong to you.

So you are part of the cast on this big stage. You rally around people, people rally around you. But you only have that much energy to invest, so it's only inevitable that your stocks on certain special people are higher. But due to circumstances, sometimes you have to do a trade, so that at certain times a certain someone gets a higher investment.

But then, you screw up. Because of own selfish desires, the relationship between the two of you sour. Because you didnt do what you were supposed to do, it became bitter. Because you let negative feelings ruin you, it becomes bile.

Maybe the other party may not be that innocent. Maybe the other party made mistakes before. But it is definitely outweighed by your mistakes.

So if you keep making the same mistakes repeatedly, there should be something wrong isnt there? And if you cant give to the other, there is something wrong too isnt there?

Yes, there's something wrong.

But the wrong lies within you.

And instead of making that wrong right, you made that wrong a gross reversible error.

Notice that I said reversible. Because if you are genuinely apologetic, amends can be made.

But due to your continual stubbornness of swallowing feelings, that gross error leads to the fall of the relationship.

But for some insane reason, that mistake remains reversible.

Happy Birthday to Me...

I deleted my last entry, for those who caught it.

I love myself. That's what matters.

Had dinner with my VIPs at Al Dente last night. Great ambience, but more importantly, great company! I had the cutest array of presents ever.

Will put up the pics soon.

I am still unable to disentangle the strange logic behind the instructions of parking.

Park one metre away from the left curb.
Reverse gear.
When the outer pole touches the rearscreen, ....
When the pole touches here, do that.
When the pole there, do this.
When the pole when the pole when the pole.
Good! You parked.
Whatever.
I do not have perfect eyesight.
But for the life of me, I dont see any poles in any of our carparks.

Instructor: Haha I know why dont you bring your own pole and place them properly before you park.

.........................................

I didnt even deign to reply.

At least my attempts at being lame carries much more substance.

Went to the NATAS Travel fair. Deciding between Korea, Taiwan, and Beijing.
Much deliberation, we settled on Beijing. Till my parents learnt that the temperature was -7 degrees. Brrr...
So we decided on.....
More deliberation.

ps: The Laksa at Suntec Convention is pretty good.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free.
And then you discover the prisoner was you.

It isnt about compromise, and it isnt about losing the fight. It's not about convincing yourself that what happened to you was alright, it's not about looking at the angry welts that have been left behind.

You look at the wounds and see the scars, and you are reminded that the pain has never gone away. Scenes playback and you shudder from the mere memory of it, allowing it to consume you all over again.

The bile of bitterness has been stuck in your throat-- you can neither swallow it nor spit it out.

But through self talk therapy and with time on your side, you start to realise many different things.

You realise that harm is self-inflicted, and you desire to learn from it rather than to be eaten away. You realise that you are big enough to endure the duality of human experience. And then you awaken one day to a wholeness that you receive when you are able to let go.

When you feel so much, it usually means it means a lot. You realise that it's not worth a single dime, let alone anything else.

That's how I let go. Because I decided that to be ruled by emotions harbouring such strength takes up too much precious energy, and it's better invested somewhere else. Indifference comes in, simply because it's not worth a single ounce of my care.

Blaming everybody else doesnt end the torture. Accepting responsbility doesnt begin the game. Stepping away wins.

And then you rise the head that has been drooped and fearful, and intake that fresh air that has been available to you all along.

Congratulate yourself.

For you have discovered a whole new meaning of sunny days...

Jem's Update

Friday
Miracle number 1: Incessant wake up calls pulled me out of bed by 8.40 a.m. , vast achievement by someone who usually doesnt see mornings. Of course it helps if your ringtone is 'hey ya' It's irritatingly chirpy!

Miracle number 2: Jem endured a 45 minute journey by BUS to Harbourfront interchange. See.. no cabs this time!

No more miracles of Jem for the day.

Spent the morning and early afternoon at Siloso beach with darling Cher, Pz!, Shiyi, and a couple of Shiyi's friends Audrey and Sheena. Played frisbee, where Shiyi and I got cut, basketball, where I couldnt run, and er.. water wrestling. Involves sitting on the shoulders of someone else and trying to pull down the other team. Yeah needless to say I make a very bad base.
Played around in the water, pulled Shiyi in as the wave came and we both toppled heavily and oops, blue-black for her! Not my fault.. *shakes head*

Badminton was next.

Then dinner. We skipped lunch! The rest skipped breakfast too. Horrifying man.. How can they do so much without eating?

Then it was movie. Dodgeball! It's hilarious. And it was my second time watching. Ah.. the things that amuse me.

Home sweet home...

Saturday
Zzzzzzzzz........

Lunch.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Over and out.

Walking is theraputic.

Nothing like a good walk to gain a clear view of your life. And today, I took a good look at it and thanked with deepset emotions that life is smooth sailing right at this moment.

School: Well, attendace is still a little shaky but at least I'm starting to get into the swing of things.
Room: Cher patiently let herself be dragged to Ikea and assisted me in carrying ridiculously heavy DIY shelves. ( gwen! they're heavier than pythons! haha)
Love: Cher and I just had our 7th month yesterday. :)
Finance: Ok this has a lot of room for improvement but the situation isnt that bad. For goodness sake Jem start prioritising your finances and cut down on your damn cabs! Dont even mention saving...

So well, a little choppy water maybe but no storms, no hurricanes. It's just nice right now.

I caught Amazing Race and ahhh! My bowling mums got eliminated! ah....

SYLVESTER IS MINE! YOU CAN HAVE THE CAT.

yes as you probably guess, I caught Singapore Idol and both Maia and Syl got in! (wow now he's Syl to me -- by the way did you guys see? Someone was holding a banner in the audience and it was misspelt as SLY) Yes so anywayyy, as Cheryl puts it, he really grows on you! Ahhh.. my parents like him too and my mummy sms-ed in to vote!! haha and she claimed that if he has a concert she'll buy his front row ticket. Right. haha.

Stayed at Maureen's house last night with plans to cycle to East Coast but due to natural interference, (read: NOT OUR LAZINESS) we had to change plans but it was really fun nonetheless. I mean, how often do you get to do these kind of things?

Headed down to Cheryl's place after that. Conveniently left my bike at Mau's place. Go check out the pictures in her blog! Cher cooked me my favourite fried rice and I had 3 plates! All my cycling down the drain..... *sings*Cher's fried rice is really great... yummy yummy yummy, yummy yum yum ( McDonald Hotcakes song)...

MY MUMMY ROCKS ! not only rocks~... pebbles, gravel...

BOULDERS!
My mummy gave me my early birthday present. *grins from ear to ear* She gave me the iPod mini.. and she flew it in all the way from States cause she wanted it to be personally engraved. Wow. The engravement is printed on at the time that the print on the Apple logo. Wow. An ipod in the world made just for me. Wow. I dont deserve all this. God Bless her.

Size does not equate to value, magnitude does not equate to significance. Therefore, appreciate the little things that appear almost worthless.

Be thankful for each new day that you've been given and that you or your loved ones didnt expire in your(their) sleep. Slightly morbid I know but some have faced that particular unfortunate situation before.

Be thankful that you didnt meet with an accident.

If you did meet with an accident, be thankful that you were not seriously harmed. (if you were, you wouldnt be reading this)

Be thankful for the good food that you have the opportunity to eat.

Be thankful you can just reach out so easily for a glass of water.

Be thankful you have the luxury to choose what you wear to school/ work.

Be thankful you have a family, and a place you can call home.

Be thankful for the bed and sheets that you have, no matter the quality, some people out there are sleeping on cardboards and newspapers.

Be thankful that you do not live in absolute loneliness, like erm... a shipwrecked sailor.

Be thankful that you do not live in constant fear of threats.

Be thankful for this comfort zone that you lie in bliss right now.

Conclusion: No matter how bad things may be, it could have been worse.

Remember this everyone remember!

Woman calls into a radio show

woman: I just bought a Nissan, and my teenage son seems to be having an unhealthy obsession. He keeps stroking the car and looknig at it lovingly.

radio host: Oh dont worry perhaps he just really likes your car...?

woman: you think? This morning, I caught him making love to the tailpipe.

radio host: !?!?!? Oh.. well nevermind I'm sure he's exhausted by now.

Edited version taken from 'The horse whisperer'

hahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahhaha!

Jem's Update

Transformed into Li Jiawei(s) last evening at NUS for a couple of hours. I am so not in sync with my table-tennis bat anymore. Damn. But it was vigourous exercise nonetheless. I feel fit! Haha ok playing around with table-tennis might not deem much of exercise but trust me, I needed it.
Next fri will be transformations to Ronald Susilo(s). Hmmm.

The olympic fever rages.

Haha nah it's not that at all. Met a couple and made a couple of friends for a game and we ended agreeing to badminton next week. Looks like some weekly exercise regime huh?

Did not expect to pespire, but eneded up dripping. Took a quick shower then headed down to meet Jo for like 5 mins haha. Cher and I went back to her house after that for me to have a quick rest and await my friends to pick me up. THEY WENT TO SEE GOH CHOK TONG'S HOUSE WITHOUT ME! haha but it's ok I still love you all.

Dele brought us to this apartment at Beach Road to take a look at a retro-designed house. Gwen was taking pictures of it and accidentally the flash came on! And we all ran helter-skelter back into the car lest the owner thinks we're a bunch of stalkers.

We went on some other excursions (hurhur) and by the time I got home it was about 4.

It was an exhausting day.

But a great one.

Is there ever an existence of a right reason for an affair which makes the adulteror's actions excusable?

Affair. Adulteror. Such dreaded words, and such ugly ones too. After all, it is the nightmare of every relationship. An affair is socially incorrect, but maybe we judge too fast. There is a circle of right reasons that can negate the ugliness behind it. For example, if the woman was forced into marriage with a wife beater, I fully encourage her to go seek happiness.

I was reading this novel 'Big Cherry holler' by Adriana Trigiani, an international bestseller which began promisingly but left me disappointed at its conclusion because its main character, Ave, told this man to choose his girlfriend over his wife because one should always seek to make his heart happy. Which is true. But she forgot about the presence about the woman who has looked after his kids for many years -- not to forget looking after him. Therefore, choosing selfish desires over responsibility and shattering someone else at the end of the day.. there just seems to be something wrong about it. Yet he should choose happiness.

Or shouldnt he?

I feel that ultimately, he should choose happiness but he has to exercise certain obligations over his wife first, I dont know how, but he shouldnt just leave abruptly just because one day he makes that sudden decision by that spurt of sudden courage.

Maybe sometimes other peoples' happiness should take priority.

I'm really confused.

Hmm.

Jem's Update
Acknowledgements: See that monster I am holding? it's orange by the way. Gwen uploaded it for me! Thanks gwennie poo!
And to raine, who spent a very long time teaching me about background songs and putting a song up for me. *sheepish* It really was very long!! So sorry Raine! Thanks very much yeah?

If life was stagnant, we would lose its meaning and lead an aimless existence. Yet changes sometimes occur far too often, but ironically, the more things change, the more things remain the same.

Outwardly, its exterior transforms, but its core can sometimes remain permanent. Great example would be my friend Yun, and too soon, Mau. She left and she will leave for down under to further their education, but it's the interior bonding that counts, so that even if tour physical beings have been forced a continent apart, perhaps we never left each other at all.
It is just mere acceptance, for to resist change would be to rebel against one of our oldest laws of the universe.

From taking full advantage of the calming effects tranquilizing piano melodies provide, it was overtaken by a certain meloncholy that we cant hold on to what we are comfortable with forever. And sometimes, when you know that change is coming, you cant fully appreciate your comfort zone till realisation sinks in.
Maybe that's where the cliche phrase ' treasure what you have now before it's gone' was enunciated.

But really, there is a lot of truth behind these cliches that we get so easily impatient over. They are wise sayings that many have claimed are overused but the reason of that overusage is also due to human error, and these are just precautionary gestures that others have tried to give to the world.

Jem's Current favourite
Jet- Look what you've done
Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view'
Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyoneA
fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND LOUEY!

MAY YOU STAY HYPER-LY EXCITED, CONTINUE TALKING LIKE AN EXPRESS TRAIN,

GET DISTRESSED OVER EVERYTHING, AND BEING SOO FUNNY!

AND CONTINUE TO GROW PRETTIER!! CHIO-BU! *WOLF WHISTLES*

GO SEE MY WONDERFUL LADIES AT GWEN'S BLOG! OUR PICTURES FROM YESTERDAY! GO SEE GO SEE!!

I am so blissfully happy for these people in my life.

Celebrated Louey's birthday yesterday and let me shout out I LOVE MY LADIES! haha
As Louey mentioned, it was really an adventure.

Let's see, after dinner at NYDC, we settled down at Dairy Queen for a while with some live Jazz band in the background..

Headed to Mau's house later on to pick up the car, Mau got into trouble with louey cause there wasnt enough pictures of Louey... and Louey anad I gave Mau our passport photos which she stucked on her bulletin board and looked like obituary photos...

Headed to Louey's house next. Louey's room is sooo big! Cant stand it! Took crazy pictures where we squeezed into her bathtup, actually it was pretty comfy fit.... Louey has cute Eeyore bedroom slippers.. Louey showed off her $2 ahems.. which she bought from Toa Payoh.. or 2 for $9.90.. and she says it's really comfy! Go figure. It's something you wear... around the chest area. Haha

Next we went on a car excursion! Went to see big houses at Queen Astrid.. which wasnt such a good idea cause I was.... house-struck? Some one had a tennis court in the garden! *faints*

15 years into the future

me: Hey my lovely women! You're all invited to my garden party this weekend. My address is 1 Jem's Road. As all of you will be coming by your own custom made jaguars or what not, I shall not send a chauffer to pick you up to save you the trouble of walking up my 10 minute drive. Oh btw this is a tennis party, followed by a dip into the pool. We can have our meals by the Cabana. Dont worry about the swimming pool containing chlorine because my swimming pool is filled with.. Evian. oh mind the dogs! I've got 4 big dogs.. one for each storey.. *merry tinkling laughter*

Right.

ok let's get on.

We shrieked at every house we thought was Goh Chok Tong's. Hmm. And oh yea! There was a police car and a fireman 'little truck too' and they went into a Muslim cemetery. ok I so do not want to know what happened.

Went to Changi village, Changi hangar. Saw aeroplanes. The road was empty so we lay down on the road and took pictures. Well we're 20 now we should have fun. Can you imagine a bunch if 50 year old women lying on the road? I dont think they can get up in time should a car come. hurhur.

This is pretty much what we did, among others.

I love my friends.

Mindless rambles...

Celebrating Louey's birthday tomorrow! Cant wait to see those familiar faces. It's been so long.

School officially starts next week. No tutorials for first 2 weeks though so it's still pretty relaxing.

Watched Garfield. It was not fabulous, but it didnt stink either. For all animal lovers, I recommend Homeward Bound and Good Boy. Must watch. Tears are a definite.

Watched 13 going on 30 a few days back too. Hmm. It was just too expected. It was just watching. Plain old watching.

Need to clean my room.

Hmm. ok shall do it now.