tonight, i found myself thinking. too many thoughts.
i remembered people, the ones who came and left, the ones you left behind without a second glance.
well, perhaps here is my second glance.
and tonight, i think about how important contentment is, and how we cant move forward without it when we keep looking back at the past.

do we settle for second best, or is perfection, or soul mate , moulded by you. not given by God, but chosen by oneself.

today, i realise what it is to ache for things that might have been. and today, i give thanks to things for what i have.

perhaps these dramatic and meloncholic thoughts have been fuelled by a night of alchohol, but ah well, better to have a catalyst to make you square up to things previously avoided.

how do we know for certain something that we have will forever be with us. perhaps faith, a belief in the unknown, a hope that keeps you going continuously even if the odds point otherwise.
or maybe it's God's grander scheme of things, but maybe that again, is a convenient excuse to not face things but leave it in His hands, so that we can point fingers and say it was His way for us.

why do people act and speak the way they do, and how we make excuses for them, or search for whys for them, when perhaps the ultimate truth is that there is no reason at all. we do what we do, because we are afraid of change, afraid of what the future holds.
fear , is such a strong word, a strong emotion, to keep us where we are, because there isnt anywhere else to turn to.

how easily we put others down, how scathing we can be in remarks, how quick we are in judgement. perhaps we deserve it, or they deserve it, and screw us, and screw them should they contradict.
life is short, we can only be so lucky to recognise those who stand by us unwavering, sincere.

the blessings God has given us, we take for granted, the opportunities opened to us, we never seize. yet how easy it is to blame Him, and how quick we are to turn to Him when life is confused, when we are sad, when something affects us.
and how we do all that to God and to the ones around us too.

we have ties that bind us, strings we pull, connections we make use of. anything to keep us in that safe haven because we are all such cowards to step out of the circle. how i despise, look down, rage upon these, yet guilty of as well.

i like to think myself as invincible, magnanimous, but perhaps i am the greatest sinner of all.

i think about you, and how grateful i am to have life opened to me in this manner.
i think about you, how you stand by me through it all.
and i think about you, how you were the sweetest ever but i gave it away due to arrogance, pride and sheer immaturity.
i think about you guys, how thankful i am.
i think about you, and how i would like to punch you. and about you, about how i'd like to slap you.
and i had better stop thinking, before violence gets the better of me.

i can only pray, and pray and pray. that God keeps me safe once more, and speak to me for now i am listening, i am all ears. anything to keep me sane.

sleep doesnt even seem close. i beckon it but it edges away.

so i have naught left but prayer once more.

teaches you a lot.. when the push comes to shove, the only one who is by your side 24/7, is God.

i feel so blessed that more and more of my friends are buying insurance from me.
and u know im growing up when my life insurance agent is now my business associate!

yippee! life looks good. wait. life is good!

some say closure is overrated, but sometimes you kinda do need it to feel a little more settled.

i dreamt of a lot of people last night! it was a very crowded dream!
the setting is my sec school ( again ) and i was on the highway because i was late .

i was riding a really cool motorbike ( i think i;m living my fantasies) and i got pulled over for speeding and the traffic policeman was jo teo... :S
as if that wasnt enough, she confiscated my bike too.. ( just like old times huh )

speaking of that, my lime green memo jazz is still somewhere in her drawer..

but no worries, because joanne came to the rescue! and she came in a red mini cooper! ( sorry la jo i know you like white but maybe i was colour blind or something ) and she rushed me to school. in the car i kept shouting at her to go faster! and when we finally reached the school i leapt out of the car and left her to find parking, which there wasnt any, so she told me 'dont worry i know magic' and proceeded to make the car and herself thinner and skinnier until she could squeeze in between 2 pillars..

so we went to the big hall for my table tennis gathering and there were a lot of people! alll my team mates were there, as well as faces ive never seen before. so i looked around for my familiar group and found S ( not sue! the ex S :P )and a few others crying in one corner. ( apparently they lost a match....)
i wanted to go comfort them but i got distracted by someone who just walked in.

and that someone was D! ( look D!! i dreamt of you!! ) and out of everyone D was the only one in school uniform. ( dont worry im not having any kinky fantasies of you ) anyway D told me to follow her because she wanted to drink water and she needed me to fix the water cooler...
( couldnt you have asked me to do something more exciting?? )

anyway i returned to the hall and tried to find the crying girls and i found S with a blotchy face and she gave me a tight slap ! ( it hurt even in the dream ok! )

and she said she waited for me to return but my attention was on some other girl so no worries she has decided she doesnt need me any more and she is going to move on with someone else so she will never have to depend on someone so unreliable again.
( gee! you werent even my gf in the dream ok! )

but so i proceeded to do the comfort thing and all the etc etc etc... and lo and behold! who should come along!

it was D... telling me to follow her because she wanted to sit but the chair was broken and she needed me to fix it..

( D am i like your handyman now? )

SO! before the dream went on any further, and before i got another slap from S, i awoke to the sound of an sms! and i was thinking, who on earth is messaging me so late in the middle of the night!

but turned out it was almost 9. time to wake up..

i woke up this morning to a phone call from office.

in my blur and sleepy state.
me to yl: wow, i wonder who is in office.
me: it's m*******! she's in office!
yl: it's already 10.
me: yeah but it's sunday. why she go office?
yl: today is monday.
me: omg it's monday??


imagine my dismay ! from thinking it's sunday and it's actually monday!

spot the rabbit! Spent time playing with Duey today and realised the fur on the top of her head is all totally gray. broke my heart. she's getting old :(

Bella !omg, Jo remember the day we went to pick Bella up together?

the tolerance thermometer. on a scale of 1 to 10, when they reach 10, it's time.
you can push and pull someone and highlight the way to number 10, but perhaps can only reach number 9. the final step is always up to them.

sometimes i think, giving advice is quite pressurizing. or stating opinions. because you never know when the power of influence lie in your hands. and let's face it? what makes me so sure i know what's best for you that i have to give my 2 cents worth.

i only meant to be a listening ear.
i dont know who it is that does the talking.

to you and you and you. i'd still like to say that things happen because of some higher plan that we arent aware of yet, and decisions made by courage and bravery will reward you in time.

losing my wallet almost sent my heart palpitations into overdrive.

thank god for friends like gwenniepoo who sent me all the way back there again.

if i had gone alone, i would prob lose my way, have a puncture, and zero reception on the cell, and all around me is just trees trees trees.

and a damn monkey.

but thanks gwennnnnnn!!!

looking forward to a hot shower, a nice dinner, followed by a relaxing night out to lobby bar.

i dont really feel that i waste time. maybe occasional minutes, but i do try to make the most out of time yet there doesnt seem to be enough hours to squeeze in all the matters and the people who are important to me.

it gets tiring sometimes. and a little bit sad, because the reward you get for something is at the expense of say, not realising that your parents are getting older.

i need to learn to put more things into perspective, and learn how to be more giving and learn to sacrifice more.

on another note, the intense feeling of wanting to punch you has passed because the clouds aint so grey anymore, but if you do anything the slightest bit out of line, im going to recall all my karate moves ! heh. and ive got loads of support, many hackles have been raised ok!

on another note, it's a thurs rainy afternoon perfect for sleep and im at home! yay!
parents are on leave today, maybe steamboat later??

i've got an airport of paper aeroplanes on my table.
back to work back to work.

the other night, i dreamt of a certain n. person, a person which if d reads this she will probably roll her eyes again, but hey d, i cant control my dreams ok!
anyway, i think i only had the dream because halloween was coming and i was just thinking the last memorable halloween i went to i ran into her.
haha.

last night, the dragon and i went to zouk. it was freaking crowded ! i swear i was on the verge of a panic attack at one point because i was sandwhiched between these monsters ( literally monsters. they were a group of big guys wearing these masks) and i couldnt move. i really couldnt move! i was just stuck and for a minute i felt so helpless! then i was thinking, omg! karate isnt helping me! i should have signed up for some contortionist class.

but having said that, it was quite fun looking at the different costumes. we saw a mario, which turned out to be a girl ( and an attractive one at that ) and turned out to be a really good dancer and under different circumstances it could turn me on too! hahah

:)

the last few weeks have been pretty exhausting. i hope to have a slight breather in the weeks to come. too many activities for the past week.