so there's this saying.

how does one cope with a tragedy? such as when you heart gets broken into so many pieces that it's impossible to put it back together again?

easy. you just become someone else.

brilliance.

i could be indignant. i could be defiant. but really, i have no defence.
it isnt one of those things that i can say ' it's not what it seems' because what you see is what you get. it's truly happened the way it did.

i'd like to believe that there is a grey area in everything we do. and in the greater scheme of things that are out of our expertise to understand, maybe things to happen for a reason.

a God given? or is that simply the best excuse for irresponsibility? how can one be such a heartless jerk, and hurt someone, knowing that it was intentional, and still have the nerve to say, 'hey it happened for a reason'

well ive got a better one, listen to this.

split personalities. ok lest it sounds a tad psychotic,
let's put it another way.

alternative universes.

we behave this way in this world, and that way in that world.

if this makes sense to you, you're as lost as i am. but this is the only way i know how to comfort myself, and perhaps find myself a little.

im not a ghost buster. i sure do not know how to exorcise the demons of my past.
Yet there's something comforting chilling in the haunting lullabys.
Contradictions. Why is life wrapped around so many oxymorons and ironies.

you put on your armour, ready to go to battle. you've got the right mindset, the built up energy. the adrenaline ready to rush in. In theory, you are prepared. you think you can win. the white flag isnt even in your pocket because there is no question of losing.

but out there on the battle field, you get saddened by the lack of humanity. the thirst to kill , not literally, diminishes as you examine each face. Each face, who used to be an innocent child, a child of God who never used to know what violence is.
and that's when you begin to question, why has the purity of life been reduced to such a state where everyone is so suspicious, no trust, everyone is so busy watching their own back they forgot to look in front to see a future which could have been different, if only exercised a little humility.

what happened to the days when smiles were genuine and not put on to fit in?

everyone craves for a life of simplicity. a life with no complications. impossible, but everyone seems determined to ruin it for themselves.

so you take off your armour, and you want to offer yourself to your enemies. To advocate that sometimes you can get by life without being hard hearted, without being jaded, without being cynical.
and naive as you are, you think that others will remove their armour and embrace each other like brothers.

and maybe it could have happened. but because you are so afraid, you put ur armour back on and run from the battlefield. you dont engage in battle, but you want to save yourself. because you aint confident about saving the world.

at times,i feel like an angry tiger enclosed in a small cage, and i'm just pacing up and down waiting for an unweary victim to unleash my fury. it's akin to a restless teenager just itching for a fight.

but these times are getting minimal. not because it gets better, but it's simply too tiring to keep up. and what replaces the anger, is just shrugs, albeit a certain sense of unsettledness.
there's an air of resignation around, it seems like im perptually waving the white flag, and looking for a way out of this.

and sometimes i find it. the momentary happiness is still pretty unbelievable.

i havent quite got round to figuring it out yet, but im not going to bother.

im trying to clear the broken pieces, but im cutting myself again and again in the process.so i do the next best thing, i simply turn the other way so i dont have to view the mess i created.

escapism. arent i always the best at that.