EXCUSE ME. TYPING FEARS OUT MAY ACTUALLY DIMINISH IT AND I'M WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

granted, it's only once a week and thus not an incredible feat but it still doesnt change the fact that this is the only job that ive held onto for close to a year.

my sense of responsibility towards my students are definitely present, i more or less panic along with them when their exam approaches, im not indiferrent towards their progress ( or for some, lack of it), i stopped trying to conjour the strangest scenarios to generate an excuse to not going to work. (unfortunately if i am honest, i gave up)

from the sound of it, it seems like the strings of discipline has been tightened. ironically, maybe subtle or inner resentment/rebellion or god knows what seemed to have loosened it in other areas.

or maybe i've always been like that and i should be more or less proud that at least i am responsible in at least one particular area instead of drifting by like i always do.

damn. that hit way much closer to home.

*gloomy*

yesterday, during my break, i was taking a walk around the neighbourhood. and i found myself wondering what would happen if i never went back to the school to resume teaching. change my handphone number and disappear.
the scary thing was, disappearing proved to be to tempting, i was almost salivating.
and the scarier thing was, for a moment or 2, i was considering it.

i went back because i realised it wasnt realistic. my handphone was still in the studio. not to mention house keys.

*double gloom*

my results for year 2 will be out soon.

sigh double sigh.

ok yes some teacher-like people out there will probably thinking that if i had put in some effort i need not entertain these fears. well give up! IM the teacher around. haha
oops. i recognise signs of near hysteria.

like the time i lost a new pack of reds at holland v and was sooo amused when i couldnt find it.
haa i guess zen joey dele and gwen would remember that.
anyway it's almost akin to throwing ten dollars and the only thing i felt was amusement!?
see? i told u it was a moment of insanity.

omg. i threw ten dollars away? *appalled*

ok slow yes yes 56k.

anyway so yes where was i after the bout of terrible digression? oh yes exams. contrary to what some may believe, passing a law paper, even from a private institution is not easy at all. in fact i would go so far as to say it's more difficult to pass than our local unis. and no i'm not taking the piss.

when i entered in year 1, there were about 80 people give and take who took the exam.
4 subjects to be taken. 4 huge ones.
anyway let's see, about 30 people give and take passed all 4.

SEE! IT'S SO DARN DIFFICULT!

i only passed because someone up there decided that He reallly likes me. haha
i scraped by my 4 exams passing by the maximum of 3 marks.

sigh. and here i am praying ever night for Him to like me again.

so some may ask, why the hell didnt i seize the opportunity to study?? i ask myself that too.

what's that chinese proverb? the mind is wiling but no strength. or something like that.
well, for my case, IT'S BOTH! i cant study. nor do i know how to.

:<

i feel hysteria rising over me again.

cause i'm gonna be a drifter drifting all over again.

sigh triple sigh.