the greater the physical exhaustion, the more delirious the mind gets.
and that's when it starts playing all its crazy games.
and i conclude that depiste the urgency for reprieve, it still remains unrelenting.

so it may be a little to early for typical meloncholy, but the mind knows not the time.

i decided not to club, and turn in early instead. but i was transported to a time not so very long ago, and unexpectedly faced a confrontation of denials that i have previously turned away from.

so i was expelled to that time frame which i shut and bolted and marked XXX all over it. but tonight, i opened it, albeit a tad cautiously, and forced myself to face the shadows rationally.

i pride myself in having no regrets in life, but of course there are a few which i would have done differently could i reverse time, and this is one of them.
perhaps one day, i can look back and say 'ok what happened was shit but without it i would never be the person i am now and im glad it happened in a way.'
but for now, all i say is,
'it involved a certain person, who to this day, i wish i had never known.'

i shant go into detail, but i lived my days in darkness, and experienced what it was like to live in a world full of lies and fear.
whenever i tried to talk about it, or mention it, a gloom overcasts and i hv to put in many stern reprimands to myself before i could shake it off.

in fact,all this time i told others what happened, it was always a gloss over, as if i was afraid of the repercussions if i ever were to tell someone what exactly happened. so i just touch on the subject and change it.

anyway, the person did me wrong.

maybe critics out there may reprove and say i am in no place to judge what is right or wrong.
maybe. but in this instance, i dont care.

there were many theories following me after this episode. some said this was what changed me. some said the minute anyone else did anything similarly wrong i would run forever.

maybe.

but im not ready to think about it now.

change has its pros and cons though. because i view things in different perspectives now.

i learnt that what you may feel so intensely at that point in time, may only last for that point in time, and thus it is very important not to get carried away.

though it may sound a little cynical. shrugs...

anyway.. somewhere inside tonight, the hard side of me melted a little.
every once in a while, that happens. when i find in me a little courage to let go of what happened.
and i did.
a little bit more.

i even allowed myself to think a little about the good times, where before i would shudder and grimace in disbelief.
maybe i grew a little, and i know that in spite of all that happened, there were good times.

and in my bid to be fair, i gain...

and then i am a little bit more at peace.

forgiveness really helps the soul.
cheers.