The inward wreckage of the driver of my brain train is headed right for a derailment.

Maybe it wouldnt be a bad idea to develop split personalities. At least I can blame everything on automatism. But alas, I am in control.. or am I? It's beginning to dawn on me that perhaps I have been rather self-centered, and perhaps letting someone else take control of my life is supposed to be an obligation that I have to fulfill, and isnt life revolving around commitals and responsibilities? And perhaps sacrifice? And happiness.. both you and others?
I feel like taking flight now, put on a cowardly act and run from it all. The evanescence of euphoria is getting to me, and the transition between the ups and downs are becoming more like a prolonged train ride.. and those who know me, I get motion sickness really easily. ha... sigh sigh.
I should be pulling myself together, but what if it's not me that needs the pulling yet it affects me? and you know chain reactions? someone gets hurt... then another .. then another... and imagine if it was you who started the whole thing.maybe one day I'll wake up and realise that it's all a dream. Cause right now, I get momentary notions that I am in the middle of a nightmare.
ok.. I know all this doesnt make sense.. I'm just raving away to myself..

I had a relatively good day today. Was happy... a feeling that I would be needing for a long long time.. yet.... arg. nevermind..
I'm sorry.. words borrowed from jo. ' I need an outlet, and this happens to be the only one.'

to you: There are so many words to put in a sentence, but I just want to say this.. ' Thank you'.